You know how you feel when you are sitting there with your two year old holding them down as they give you the look of terror as the nurse gives them their immunizations? You know that you are doing the best for them but you want to cry because of their fear. Now times that feeling by about 10,000 and you may begin to sense the anxiety of watching your baby boy waiting in agony to have a chemotherapy port placed underneath the skin in the subclavian vein. Last night was sleepless. I wish that I would have waited until this morning to explain the procedure to him. Tossing, turning, wincing, headaches from anxiety. We know life is not fair but why does it have to be heart wrenching? So many times my kids say "but that's not fair" and I respond with the typical "life isn't fair". Not once has Spencer said "mom this isn't fair" but last night as I tried to comfort him he said "I am so afraid of all I have to go through". Oh my son, if you only knew the agony, the "heart wrenching" pain your dad and I are feeling for you. If you only knew.