Wednesday, February 17, 2010


So I have been informed that from the looks of the MRI that there is some "suspiciousness" in his T9 and T12 vertebrae. Most suspicious spots on an MRI are faint until the contrast hits it and then it shows up very bright, well not in our case. It was bright and then the contrast made it lighter. Weird. The Radiologist thinks that is something to keep a close eye on. The Oncologist is not worried about it now but says we may need to check up at first evaluation and maybe think about radiation if future scans show no progression. He said that the focus is the main tumor. If his body responds well to chemo we will see the improvements in his face first. His bone marrow aspirate shows small amounts of metastatic cells but only about 10% and he seemed to not be too concerned with those numbers. I feel like I am in a whirlwind. I feel so confused about "why" part of all of this. I know that there is a greater plan and that Spence is part of that but seriously, why DOES HE have to be a part of it? Why can't he just be a normal kid? Why can't our lives just be normal? I want to be able to fast forward to three years from now, all of this past us. Why has my life never been normal? Is there a such thing as normal? I am I being selfish for feeling this way? I have never been patient. I have always been understanding but never patient. Why do I have to be patient? Why can't I stop eating? Why do I have to be away from my babies? Why Spencer?


  1. Oh Holly, it will get better. Right now you are in the discovery process. We had so many close calls in the beginning. We have been so very blessed in so many ways that we could never have experienced any other way. I will always cherish those experiences. Would I chose to go through this? Of course not! But this is Heavenly Father's plan for us now. Drop your burdens at His feet and He will carry it for you. I promise. Know that this is in His hands and He alone knows what is best for us. He never promied that it would be easy. He obviously thinks, knows, that you all are prepared for this growth opportunity! I know this doesn't help much now, but peace will come. Know you all are in our every prayer and our whole prayer network is praying for Spencer and look how many miracles they prayed for us! I love you Holly!

  2. Oh Holly!
    I am so amazed at your Super Hero and his spirituality. I know why isn't the question, but I can say, he clearly has the spiritual strength and support to get through a trial like this, and no doubt Heavenly Father, know the end from the beginning has blessed him as such.

    You too have been prepared for this less than "normal" trial. You are amazing, always have been. Hense you are blessed to be the chosen mother of such a child as this and the faith to testify to him of truth.

    Larry and I will pray and fast for you regularly.

    Love, Sister Gassin

  3. Because if your life was ever normal, you would not be the strong, charismatic, lovable Holly that you are and that we all love!

    A constant sea never made a good sailor.And you are one heck of a sailor my dear Holly.

    I too would give anything to take Spencer's place. Seeing someone you love suffer is never easy.I remember you telling me once that we can not envy others or wish you had their lives, because that is not going to give you the experiences and knowledge that Heavenly Father needs you to have. He trusts you Holly, and you are doing a fantastic job of showing him you can walk the walk!

  4. I linked to your blog from Keri's blog & Sara's blog. My heart hurts for you and I am amazed at your strength. You are one incredible mother! I attended the Provo temple last night and added Spencer's name to the prayer roll. I continue to remember your whole family in my prayers. I have a little Spencer, too. :)

  5. You know, we all have the same lesson to learn... to trust in the atonement, have faith in the Savior's love and know that we chose this plan and these imperfect bodies to experience mortality with. I could never imagine Heavenly Father giving me cancer so I could learn this. I don't think a parent would gift-wrap something so awful. But, I think, we KNEW what we were getting into when we made our choice to follow Him and we said, okay... bring it on. And He said, "but you might get cancer. You might have to deal with temptation that is more intense than anyone you know. You might have a faulty heart. You might be born into a faithless family." and we said, "okay... bring it on." because, we knew, ultimately, that it would all be worth it.

    There are many stages of this horrible disease. You'll get through this and probably come back to these feelings several times... i know i did. I would look at my fellow young adults with such disconnect, wondering why they would think any of their shallow, petty 'problems' were actually any sort of trial.

    The good news - cancer changes you forever. it twists your perspective and makes you grateful for everyday because you never know if tomorrow will be the day when the other shoe drops. it makes you infinately aware of your own mortality and how fragile it is.

    Hold on to the hope of eternity while you tread through the mud. It's a tough road you're on. And for the most part, it really sucks.

  6. "peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you,not as the world giveth, give I unto you."
    John 14:27

    My dear little ones, I testify that God's promises are sure. His peace alone can see us through the darkests nights and make the daybreak that much more glorious.

  7. Oh Holly, how I ache for you and what you've all gone through these past weeks. I was thinking about you and Spencer today and I was left wondering why just like you. You are strong and I admire you for the zest you possess and the energy you put into everything. You are being carried through this difficult time and I'm sure Heavenly Father has sent every available angel your way. You are all loved.

  8. I can't help but think the same thing you are. It just doesn't make sense to me why children have to go through things like this. I know it's hard on adults, and I can't imagine how heart breaking it must be watching a child go through it. Especially your own child. My prayers are with you. I know he'll strengthen you all as you work through this. I can see it happening already. I love you and think of your sweet family all the time.