Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Moment of Panic

It was midnight on May 28, 2002 when my water broke. I got up to go to the bathroom and I just stood there staring at myself in the mirror thinking "I am going to be a mom." It was like time stopped for me in my little bubble but Nate was a whirlwind around me, bags in both hands a big smile on his face, "are you ready?" he said with more excitement then I have ever heard from him. I was still standing there staring. Finally when I had caught up with reality, i took a quick shower and we were off to the hospital. NINETEEN hours later my 8lb 7oz baby boy was born. It is a surreal moment to hold your baby for the first time, especially the one who makes you a mother. In those first few days and weeks of sleepless nights and adjustments to parenthood you have a lot of time to reflect on who these beautiful gifts from God are going to be. Throughout these 7, almost 8 years of his life, Spencer, has determined who is going to be. Since he was about2.5 he has wanted to be "a chef and a daddy". He has refined his goals in the last year to a brain surgeon (so that he has enough money to open up his own restaurant where he is the chef,) and still a daddy. My little boy has such an amazing feel for who he is and who he wants to be. He has always had a connection to Heavenly Father, like no other little boy I have seen before. Yesterday he and Belle were watching cartoons and he tells me that we need to change the show because it is "not appropriate". I have been blessed with prayers and thoughts by everyone and have had the strength to get through most days, but last night for just a few minutes i had a moment of panic. In that moment the thoughts of his future of medical school training, culinary arts training, his missionary farewell and homecoming, his wedding, his first child, caved in. For a moment those thoughts became very foggy and I gasped for breath, and cried my eyes out while pleading to the Lord and watching my baby sleep and dreading the moment we get biopsy results back. I am only human. I have much faith, but I am still a mother who has so many dreams for her son. Luckily this moment was only that. My sweet husband consoled me and brought me back to my faith. I love him. I love my babies.

8 comments:

  1. Spencers circumstances never fail to bring me to tears! Sometimes it's being overwhelmed with sadness & other times with hope & love for you & your sweet family. I hope all my friends & family members know that I feel the same way about all their kids...any child with such a journey ahead of them deserves as much love as we can give them. Can't wait until Spencer is a brilliant brain surgeon & I can tell people that I was his primary teacher once upon a time! :)

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  2. I remember my mom sharing with me her moment of panic and the HOly Ghost whispered to her, "She's my daughter,too."

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  3. You are amazing Holly, my heart aches when I read this. It's ok to be human. Good thing we have spouses to help us keep it together when don't think we can. Spencer is strong and an example to everyone. Team SuperSpence!

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  4. Holly, I love you SO much!! We wouldn't be mothers if we didn't have those quiet times of reflection and worry. It's just who we are. It doesn't mean your faith is wavering. Just like you said, you are human and you have emotions. You are amazing, Holly. I have so much respect for you! Reading this post makes me cry only to know of the love you have for your sweet Spencer and how much heartache and hurt you've been feeling. Please know how much he is has been in our thoughts and daily prayers. He is such a special child and you are such a special mom. Love you guys...

    Jodi

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  5. I keep thinking back to when you lived in our basement, you all preggo with Spence and how excited you and Nate were! Please know that you are in mine and Hal's thoughts and prayers. What an amazing little man you have there, it reflects on what amazing parents the two of you are.

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  6. Wow! What a powerful post! You are amazing! I am hoping constantly for you all to be well.

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  7. Little do they know that you are the one who has been having to console me when I break down and cry. I am crying again just reading this post.

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  8. yes, what wonderful parents Spencer has! Praying for you all!

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