Last night was a hard night. There was a lot of sobbing and I had to determine if it was from my sweet boy or from my heart. "Mom, I want this tumor to shrink more than anything in the world" came the gasps from my weeping son. "I know honey, I promise you that is what I want more than anything too." Finally at 2:30 this morning it was calm. I am alone with Spencer today at the hospital. We are waiting to see the ENT in regards to his drooping face. I talked with him on the phone this morning and he said that the original MRI showed that the tumor was also pressing against his facial nerves and that he is not surprised with this outcome. I am anxious to kill this thing. I miss Nate. I have been tough so far but without him I am bearing all of the emotions we have kept balanced between us. He will join us today before we start chemo but he has to work until then. After the ENT we will get a bone scan and an Echo of his heart, both prerequisites before starting chemo later today. One of my oldest, dearest friends, Keri, who, herself has experienced major heartache in her life as well, reminded me of a song that has always come to the front of my mind during hard times. For those of you who do not share the same faith, or who are not familiar with the song, I urge you to appreciate the power of the lyrics. The music for the song is #11 on our blog playlist. It is a beautiful rendition.
Be Still, My Soul
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897