Monday, April 19, 2010

Endure

I am sorry to write solemn posts more often than not, but sadness takes over more often than not, these days. As we end our five day chemo treatment I am so thankful for the miracle wrought on by prayers and faith. I was expecting a bad week, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, but none of these things occurred. I sit and watch my sweet little boy in all his baldness, in all his paleness fight the war of his life, quite literally. I wonder why he has been chosen to be this warrior, and what he may have to endure. Please endure. I have always wanted to know. I need to know things before they happen, how things work, what people are thinking, how things will end so that I have no surprises. I need these things. I need them in all of their truthfulness and rottenness. So many days I just cry, begging to know the answers, begging to know the outcome of all of this. A good friend reminded me, once again, that the journey makes the man. We develop character and hope and love and life changes because of our journey. We all make them. Some of us climb steeper hills than others but we all make them. I was given a wonderful piece of advice today by a kind stranger sharing her strength after losing a son from drugs. As I made known my anxieties of needing answers to the ending she told me to "try not to doubt your little boy's recovery. Don't waste your energy on something that may never happen". I think this is the most simply terrifying, yet truthful admonition that I have received thus far. Instead of fearing a dread outcome I need to appreciate every single moment with my son, with my family, with those who love me. I want every moment to be a cherished one with memories of happiness and love and not filled with fear and anxiety. In these two and a half months I have been learning the sheer importance of ONLY the important things. With them, I can endure anything, any outcome. I will have sad days. I will having doubting days. I will have angry, sick and miserable days, but today I will endure. Today I will love and today I will be thankful, and today I will smile.

6 comments:

  1. Maybe that Lady came at a time u needed her to come..So sorry you all have to go thru all this.With your Blog u have had alot more people praying for all of you..If there is any Plus that might be it.God Bless u all

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  2. im the same way, with wanting to know how everything in life will work out....that is some great advice she gave you.
    love you and praying for you!

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  3. Its wonderful how the Lord works! I believe he sent her right when you needed her insight. He loves you - he knows what you need. Don't loose hope, sometimes all you can do is breathe and endure another day. Thank you for sharing with us - we pray for you daily!!

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  4. She's right. As a control freak I've had to let go of it all. You do the best you can and remember that Heavenly Father will do the rest and that he loves us infinitely more that we can fathom. Remember that He will only allow us to suffer that which we can endure and as He told Joseph Smith, 'All things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good...' Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and He will bless you with peace. I know these things to be true!

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  5. I think the biggest gift cancer (or any life-threatening illness/trial) gives is the knowledge that life is fragile. it will forever be a reminder to you to always enjoy the moment, don't look back and don't look too far in the future. you can't predict tomorrow... a year ago, would you have predicted spencer would be sick? so you don't know what life will be like a year from now. don't even bother trying. that sweet woman was so right. love every minute you get to share with him and though this journey sucks... try to find the joy in it.

    although cancer may kill the ones we love, it also teaches us to LIVE.

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  6. I'm so uplifted every time I read your blog. You are all so amazing. thanks for being so real.

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