Monday, April 19, 2010
I am sorry to write solemn posts more often than not, but sadness takes over more often than not, these days. As we end our five day chemo treatment I am so thankful for the miracle wrought on by prayers and faith. I was expecting a bad week, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, but none of these things occurred. I sit and watch my sweet little boy in all his baldness, in all his paleness fight the war of his life, quite literally. I wonder why he has been chosen to be this warrior, and what he may have to endure. Please endure. I have always wanted to know. I need to know things before they happen, how things work, what people are thinking, how things will end so that I have no surprises. I need these things. I need them in all of their truthfulness and rottenness. So many days I just cry, begging to know the answers, begging to know the outcome of all of this. A good friend reminded me, once again, that the journey makes the man. We develop character and hope and love and life changes because of our journey. We all make them. Some of us climb steeper hills than others but we all make them. I was given a wonderful piece of advice today by a kind stranger sharing her strength after losing a son from drugs. As I made known my anxieties of needing answers to the ending she told me to "try not to doubt your little boy's recovery. Don't waste your energy on something that may never happen". I think this is the most simply terrifying, yet truthful admonition that I have received thus far. Instead of fearing a dread outcome I need to appreciate every single moment with my son, with my family, with those who love me. I want every moment to be a cherished one with memories of happiness and love and not filled with fear and anxiety. In these two and a half months I have been learning the sheer importance of ONLY the important things. With them, I can endure anything, any outcome. I will have sad days. I will having doubting days. I will have angry, sick and miserable days, but today I will endure. Today I will love and today I will be thankful, and today I will smile.
Posted by Gooches at 12:11 AM