Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Today has been filled with many blessings. I am not quite sure where to begin. I had the opportunity to scrub my house. It felt so wonderful to do normal things. Spencer has been feeling well the last couple of days. His personality is him. That is a huge blessing. I cannot even explain to those of you who do not know him personally what an incredible boy he is. Cleaning the main level of my home gives me joy. Bleaching, scrubbing, mopping, dusting, these are therapies. This is the first time in three months that I was able to clean for myself. I have had many lovely friends clean for us, and I have been able to do surface cleaning, but today I got to go into another world. I turn my music up (Jack Johnson is my house cleaning music of choice) and I scrub my way into a different world. I love, love, love when Nate gets to come home to a sparkling house. It makes me feel strong, it makes me feel womanly. These things may be sexist and demeaning to some but for me have a "house of cleanliness" is an accomplishment beyond comparison. After Nate got home I jumped in the shower to get ready for my Girls Night Out. I feel blessed to have a husband who does not complain (much) when I need to get out. He is very generous with sharing his time with my girlfriends, and I try to give him that same "freedom" with the boys. It is Nate's sister's, Melissa, birthday so we went to Red Robin and a movie, Date Night, which was hilarious. It was good to laugh. Nate was watching the Jazz game with his friends and so Melanie, Tiffany and I decided to stay and watch THE LAST SONG. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that the father dies of cancer. I knew it may potentially ruin the positivity of the day. I felt ready to "conquer" the movie. I have cried so many tears that commonly fail my emotions and I oftentimes have to search for them. Tonight was no exception. I was the only one not crying. The movie helped me to recognize even more blessings in my life. Miley's character, Ronnie, was out of the ordinary, she did not quite fit in. She was unsure of her femininity, and her trust of people. She was a little "punk rock" but with a bookworm twist. All of these qualities are traits I have always perceived myself to be. Watching Ronnie deal with the degression of her father's health to his ultimate death, gave me more blessings to ponder. I think that losing a parent may be more difficult than losing a child for different reasons. Right now in my life, losing a child, losing my child, is the most heart wrenching trial that my poor soul could fathom. Although, this circumstance may be my worst fears made alive, I would endure. My faith allows me to be with my child again someday any my maturity of life experience gives me the ability to understand and reason life and God and heaven, but I think as a young child to lose a parent would be devastating. The lack of life experience, of previous heartache, does not give consent to reason. The movie was set on the beach. Although, on the East Coast, i felt thankful for the blessings of growing up near the ocean, on the West Coast. The ocean, for me, is medicinal. It has always been able to calm my soul. Its vastness has always confirmed my faith and sparked my wonder of life. Love, of course, was the underlying theme of the movie, in every form, and I became very aware of all of the love I have in my life. I love my Nate. I loved him from the first moments I met him. I love the way he values loyalty. I love his face. I love his body. I love his work ethic. I love his hands. I love his "not often enough" kisses. There are many things about him I love that I do not tell him "often enough". It made me aware of my love for my friends who fight with me. They are what my friend, Heather, calls "trench friends". They, you, are with me now, fighting in the trenches. I became aware of my love for music, for writing, for reading, for academics. I became even more aware of the intense love that I have for my children. I love them beyond all comprehension. I have so many dreams and wishes for them. I love every hair, and in Spencer's case,every peach fuzz, on their bodies. They are my purpose in life, and were created in the most intense kind of love. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for the opportunity to write. I am thankful for another day with my boy, with my husband, with my daughter, with my funny baby guy.


  1. This is such a wonderful post, thank you for sharing your feelings and helping me to try and be a better person by reading this. I lost my dad to colon cancer when I was 20 years old, just 6 years ago, and now that I am married and have children of my own I cannot fathom what you are going through, even though I have done it in reverse. I hate cancer and how it takes away the people we love, but the experiences you have when going through cancer with your loved can be more faith strengthening and allow you to live closer to the spirit than any other time in your life, at least for me. I will continue to pray for your family and pray for the Lord to continue to comfort you.

  2. You go girl!! You are so inspiring to me! I also need to count my blessings everyday. Thank you for being such a strong wonderful woman worrior!

  3. you are amazing! an amazing writer (just like we talked about last night), an amazing mom, wife and friend! you are the strongest woman i know! you have a gift...
    the movie was good... my sniffles were sniffles of sadness and heartache, much of what i feel for those who have to go through heart wrenching life changes! i think of you often and keep you all in my thoughts and prayers! thanks for the night out, it was good to see you smile! xo :)