Saturday, April 17, 2010


I always say that I am not going to post for a day or so and I just cannot pull myself away. I am sitting here with two of my sleeping babies. But I want to be here with all of my babies. I did a stupid thing by watching the So You Think You Can Dance Melissa and Ade breast cancer dance. I would post a link of it, but I cannot find a good enough copy to give it the complete justice it deserves. I just wish I could know. I wish that I knew the outcome of our story. I wish that I could have my life back. I am so very thankful for all of the blessings we have received because of this trial, but I just want my life back. I miss taking him to school. I miss waiting for his cute little face to come out of class at the end of the day. It brightened my whole afternoon. I miss making after school snacks, and doing homework. I miss being together as a family. I miss worrying about the little mom things and not worrying about if he is going to make it through chemo, if his numbers are low, if people are staring at him, if he will eat at all that day. I just wish I knew that when I tell him it is going to be alright, that it really is. There will never be a way to give him this time back to be a normal kid, to have normal memories. I want to be able to give all of my babies equal attention, equal love, equal worries. I want everyone to be happy.


  1. Dear Gooches, A friend told me about your blog, I follow it when I can and my heart goes out to you and this is the first time I have written to a stranger but I have kind of a weird hobbie. I collect quotes from dead philosophers. I started this when I lost my son to drugs and alcohol when he was 16. You talked about watching the toxic drugs going thru your son's body. God, I so relate to how much you want everything to go back to the way it was. So I hope these 2 quotes helps you in some way. They are both by Kahil Gibran.
    "Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."

    I think this means try not to doubt your little boy's recovery. Don't waste your energy on something that may never happen.

    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

    I know its harder on the moms but regular school and stuff could never teach him the things he is learning now. But,Jesus knows that your son is going to be a great man someday.

    I pray for Spencer everyday

  2. Holly, I thought of you the other day when I was dropping my kids off at school. I savored the moment. I never again want to take for granted all of the sweet, normal, everyday moments that fill up my life. Thanks for teaching me so much. There a lots of prayers for Spencer at my house! I pray for you and Nate too. I love you tons and miss you!
    Hugs your way :)