Monday, April 5, 2010


I am the mom who uses glass bottles, lathers her kids in sunscreen, checks them atleast three times in the middle of the night to make sure they are breathing. I try to stay away from processed foods, foods with lots of preservatives, and I make them "green smoothies" often. I worry about everything when it comes to my kids. I worry about cancer. I worry about depression. It is amazing how perspectives change when all of your anxieties come to life. I was holding my little Gavs last night and Nate was cuddling with Spencer, and Isabelle looked like a beautiful princess in her bed, soundly sleeping. I was looking at my boys in amazement at the extreme beauty they hold in my eyes. Maybe I am biased because I am their mom but these kids are truly the most amazing beings on the earth. I sat there wondering how we got to this point and how abundantly blessed we have been through our adversities. I fear the loss of my son. I fear the loss of my children. I fear that my other children will have to go through these almost unbearable trials. I fear that Spencer will go into remission and then have it come back. I fear so many things but through all of these afflictions I am happy to have every hour and every day together with my family. When all of this happened I had a hard time thanking God for my day, like I usually do. I would think, I am NOT thankful for the events of this day. Then I had a change of heart. Of course I am thankful for this day. I am thankful that I am alive. I am thankful that my son is alive. I am thankful that I got to spend the day in the company of family and friends and all of those that love me and love my family. I am thankful that I had one more day with my son. I try to stay positive but with cancer we know that a dreaded ending is possible, so to that I am thankful for one more day. I am thankful that I am the mother to Spencer, Gavin, and Isabelle and that I have one handsome, wonderful husband, and a zillion wonderful friends and family!


  1. You don't know me but I came across your blog and I just wanted you to know that I'm so very touched by your strong spirit. I'm praying for you and your sweet Spencer. No child should have to go through what he is. God is there. He loves you and is looking out for you and him. I have a boy who is 9, and I plan to show him your blog and have him read about Spencer and what a fighter he is! Just know that there are so many people out there that are praying and rooting for him!
    God Bless you!

  2. thank you Holl, for the reminder of having these days with our kids. I've been struggling with my mothering abilities lately and haven't felt very grateful for anything...but you just helped me to gain some perspective. We love you guys!!!

  3. Hello!

    Let me introduce myself. A friend of mine (who I honestly can't remember who it was) put a link on her blog to your blog a couple months ago. I clicked on it and was so touched by your post that I added you to my google reader and have been following your story.

    I graduated nursing school 9 years ago and for a few years after I graduated I worked on the hem/onc unit at PCMC so it really drew me in to be hearing from a parent of a child on that unit. I loved that unit. I loved those children. They were such fighters. With a strength and integrity beyond any children I'd ever known.

    I wanted to tell you that I am touched over and over by your honesty, your faith, and your strength. Especially the character and determination of your sweet boy. I have a daughter who is 7 and a son almost 5, and a little baby, so I often imagine what I would be like in your scenary. How anyone could possibly survive, or manage.

    You are doing an amazing job. You are inspiring me to be better. To cherish every day with my little ones. And to have faith and trust in the Lord. Thank you for sharing it with me. I am praying for your Spencer and with all my heart.



  4. Holly - You are an amazing writer. I am so touched by your posts. This post in particular is one that I feel like I can relate to. I am the type of mom who checks on her kids 3 times or more a night and makes sure everyone is in a seatbelt in the car, I worry while they are at school or dance or whatever. My biggest fears are your same fears. I think about them daily. My children are my life. I think sometimes we take our children for granted. Reading your blog has really helped me put things into perspective. I take more time to enjoy the tender moments that I am given with my children. Recently, my daughter came to me with a huge project that was due the next day. We were up all night trying to finish it. The next day my husband asked if I was mad at her and I just started to cry. I was so thankful for the opportunity I had to do this project with her. I should have been upset with her, but I was just thankful. We are given these sweet children without any knowledge of their true mission on this earth. They are here with a purpose and we need to have faith that it will all work out in the end. As hard as that is to do, Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. We need to trust in Him. That is how I get through my day without going crazy. I think Spencer is a true hero of our time. He is so strong and amazing to me. We will always continue to keep him in our prayers. Thank you for your wonderful blog and for sharing your journey with us.

  5. You are inspiring! I so much appreciate that you made the comment you made on my story on my website!
    I cried as I read through this blog. You made me realize how grateful I am for every day and how thankful I am that I had the chance to spend one more day with my husband. Spencer is truly my hero. I have never been so touched by a story as I am by his. what an amazing little guy! Thank you so much for your help with my fundraiser! Your journey is amazing and I'm thankful that I got to read about it! Please give Spencer a love from me!!

  6. totally got all teary is such a precious gift, i love that you are so positive and how you can tell how much you love your family! the photos are amazing as well!

  7. I love how honest you are--with the good and the bad. It was so neat to see you all at Chic-fil-a yesterday. I totally got teary-eyed seeing Spencer and your family and thinking about all you've been through.

    My 7 year old son wants a Super Spence t-shirt and I think he was really touched as well just learning what Spencer is going through and realizing they are the same age.

    You're right--each day is a gift and every one of us needs to live in the moment and not take a single minute for granted.