Friday, March 12, 2010

Remember Me

My Melly is a supervisor at a movie theatre and we occasionally indulge in midnight previews of movies coming out the next day. Tonight was Remember Me. This is going to be a spoiler for anyone who is planning on seeing the movie but I relating it to my life, and my experiences. It is relevant. It is hard for me to watch movies about young twenties finding themselves. I lived that life. I experienced that depressing life of emptiness and mistakes before I was able to find who I wanted to be, and before I had the faith enough to be who I wanted to be. All of those things have made me into the person I am, the mother I am, the wife, and the friend that I am now. Those times were dark and sad and in the past. After about two hours of depressing family life, relationships and self reflection the movie ends on September 11, 2001. This day for me is significant in more ways than the obvious. This is the day that I was "one day" pregnant with my first child, my son, my Spencer. I woke up that morning to the phone ringing. My best friend, Sara, told me to turn on the television. It was 8:45 a.m. in Utah. My heart sank. Nate and I had been trying to get pregnant, and all I could think about was, "how can I bring a baby into this sad "at war" world?" I was terrified. I found out two weeks later that I was indeed pregnant. I remember buying "What To Expect When You're Expecting" for Nate. I wrapped it up and gave it to him with a "congratulations" card when he got home from school that afternoon. I thought my emotions were contained until he opened his card. I had the pregnancy test hiding behind my back. He looked up at me and we both started to cry. The excitement, the terror, the daydreams of being parents, first time parents, were now real to us. I remember the fears I had. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I have a miscarriage? What if there is something wrong with my baby? What if something tragic happens during the birth? What if my child is kidnapped? What if my child dies? The fears they never end when you are a mother. What if my child has cancer? What happens when we are really faced with these fears? Then what? I don't have the answer. I am still trying to figure this out, but until then I will get up in the morning and take Spencer to radiation, I will take him to chemo, I will enjoy my children and my husband and I will hope that I find the answer.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh Holly, you really know how to bring tears to my eyes. You are so right, those fears do run through mommy-to-be's minds. And everyone tells us that it won't happen to us. But that is not true. It can happen to us. I'm so glad that you found yourself, that you became the woman you are, and that you are such a wonderful mommy to Spence. We don't plan these trials. We don't want these trials. But when they are, if lean on Christ, we do come out stronger. Gosh Holly, I love your writing. Your way with words gets right to my heart instantly. We love you guys and will be up in a couple of weeks.

    --Theresa

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  2. You ARE a wonderful mother, Holly. I've always looked up to you as a shining example of how to love your children. I love reading your blog because the way you express yourself with words is like reading a book, a very touching, inspiring one that has a way of changing your emotions from one line to the next. I love you and I love your family and am so grateful you are all in my life.

    -Chels

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  3. Between this post + this song I can't help but have tears well-up in my eyes. I love ya Holls!! You + Spence are two incredibly amazing people!!

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  4. Between this post + this song I can't help but have tears well-up in my eyes. I love ya Holls!! You + Spence are two incredibly amazing people!!

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  5. Oh holly. I can't imagine. I have felt all of those fears like most parents and I still feel them daily. You are such a strong, amazing person and you are such an example to me. We keep you all in our prayers. Call me when I can help. Love you!

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  6. Hi, My sister found your blog somehow. I've been touched with what I have read so far. I'm so sorry for this journey you and your sweet son are experiencing. I can't even imagine.
    So, I am a Gooch. Gooch is a rare last name. I love it. We (your husband and I) must be related somehow, somewhere. My dad is Glen Gooch, son of Belton Gooch from Burley Id.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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  7. YOu have a beautiful way of writing!

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