Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bring On The Rain

I can't sleep and I feel sad tonight. Spencer has been throwing up and is pretty much bald on both sides of his head. He will not let me shave it. I suggested a mohawk. He declined. I even told him he could paint it green. He declined. Cancer is setting in. Last week we could go out and nobody would know that he had cancer. Today it is obvious. A woman in the elevator was with her daughter who was bald, she looked at Spence and said "You going to the fourth floor?" Oncology is on the fourth floor and she was assuming that was where we were going just by looking at him. I told her yes, she looked at me with all the sadness and all the empathy a cancer mom could give to another cancer mom in one quick glance said, "good luck today". It is hard to describe this sadness that we are all going through right now. It isn't a depression, it is just this underlying sadness that keeps tears close to the surface. It is hard to be sad all of the time when I have such wonderful friends. Every time I begin to feel sad one of my friends pops up somewhere, like they knew I needed them. They, you, fuel me and give me the energy I need. Beautiful gifts from God filling my life with strength. I keep thinking of the lyrics to JoDee Messina's Bring on the Rain
"Yeah I might feel defeated and I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, tomorrow's another day, and I am thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain". (but not too much rain!)


  1. Holly hang in there! If I could I would hug you right now! YOU CAN DO THIS. I pray for more happy days on your horizon.
    Love you so much

  2. The honesty of your blog is refreshing and heart wrenching. You are a strength to not just your family, but everyone who crosses your path. Keep your head up. Forge through this trail. You will come through this. There will be better days. We love love you so so much it hurts!!!!