Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Imposter

I apologize for the abundance of negative posts, and tonight's is no exception. I am kind of stuck here in this emotion of anger and don't know how to get out. For those of you who don't know me let me do a little introducing of the "pre-cancer" Holly. And I am by no means tooting my own horn or patting my pre cancer self on the back, I am just describing the girl that I worked my whole life to be. I was a happy person. I tried my hardest to smile as much I could. I loved to help others. I loved to serve others. I would come to your aid no matter the situation, I would drop all that I had to help you. I loved a clean house, and a scheduled home. I worked, I went to school, I was a mom, I was a wife. I loved to cook, I loved to craft, I loved to be full of life, full of friends, full of love, full of wisdom. I am not using the past tense because I am not these things anymore, it is more for the effect of my "imposter". I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I don't care that my kids are up at ten playing video games, I don't care that my nine month old is drooling on my cell phone. I don't care that my upstairs is a disaster. My bed is not made. My laundry is not folded. I don't care. I am moving in slow motion in a whirlwind world. I cannot catch up. I don't want to. I am going through the motions of a life that is not supposed to be mine. I have been fighting my whole life. I just want to breath. I want my son to be restfully sleeping for a normal day at school, playing on the playground, riding a bike, doing all of the other things that normal seven year old boys without cancer do! I want to be able to enjoy the first year of my little Gavs. I want to have fun with my daughter this last year before she starts kindergarten. As I am not caring about all of these things in my crumbling life, I fake a smile and figure out how I am going to console my nine month old baby who is screaming in pain from teething and how I am going to find time to let my five year old daughter know that I still do love her, all the while trying not to lose one second with my Spencer. My house is a mess, I am chubby, my hair is turning silver, yes Sara, it really is, and my face is broken out. I am rambling. I am a mess. Who is this imposter?

11 comments:

  1. I love you, and despite what you may think or feel, I know that you are doing an AMAZING job at being the "cancer" holly! Is there really a norm for this kind of thing. You have been blessed with an ability to be strong in the face of adversity. So fight not only for sweet spence, but also for the incredible wife, and mother that you are. Who cares if your bed is made!?

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  2. a couple of blogs to stalk (if you want to) - my brother and his wife - http://presleyfam.blogspot.com
    http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com

    These are two amazing families that are learning to survive and thrive during extreme hardship.

    You're gonna be ok. Just get through one day at a time.

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  3. all i could think of the whole time i read this post was the words to this song, check it out....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTXl61lBEw0

    also here is a wonderful site about grief that i thought you might want to check out...
    http://www.agoodgrief.com
    it was put together by molly jackson, you can read her story of her and her daughter here.....
    http://www.jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com

    love ya! :)

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  4. Hi Holly, this is Vicki Zuniga, Sal's wife. I found your blog because Ili found it on facebook. I just want you to know that you are in our prayers and we are thinking about all that you are going through. You are one tough lady and someone to be admired.

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  5. Love ya Holly..Hang in there we are praying for you everyday

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  6. The other day (I was having my first ever anxiety attack or something) when I didn't know how to calm myself down, I actually googled...how to calm down. I really began to think I couldn't handle life anymore, at least the things you're describing...minus the cancer part. (huge I know). after sitting and staring for over an hour, my mind came up with a solution. There are things you can control, and there are things you cannot. You cannot do everything. Right now, all you can do is live in the moment. You WILL be okay. You WIll make it. One funny thing the google entry said...on how to calm yourself down..... repeat out loud: LIFE IS CRAZY, I AM NOT. Do this over and over.....and at least you can laugh at yourself!!!!!!

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  7. Holly, just remember that there are more important things in life than laundry, dishes, and a clean house. Yes those things are nice. But they should never take a priority over your children, especially now. Give this some time, it is still new and it will take time to sort out how cancer and your family will co-exist. No one can take it all on, no one!! So let it go if you have to (and yes you will need to at times). And if someone complains to you about your laundry, tell them to do it for you, or tell them where to go and how to get there.

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  8. HOlly- I love you for being real. This imposter is life, and sometimes it's a bitch. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are still all those wonderful things and most importantly you are a mom who loves her kids. Hang in there and that Jessie she has some good thoughts. Don't be so hard on yourself. I love you!!

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  9. I left a super long, heart-felt post on here Holly. Words of empathy and encouragement. But there was an error after I posted and I lost everything. Apparently, it was meant to be shared. I want to come back and post what I said again shortly. In the meantime, thank you for being so honest and transparent on here. I admire your strength and am very moved by this blog--your stories, your fears, your strenght. The pictures of your family and little Spence.

    God bless you and your family Holly. Cling to Jesus and He will take you through this fire. He promises that in His Word.

    love,

    Theresa Hemsath

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  10. I feel EXACTLY... EXACTLY... the same way. I wish we lived closer.

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