Friday, September 24, 2010

Glass Box

Quite honestly, I am much too exhausted to blog. My feelings, however, are much too raw to let them go. Today was sucky. Plain and simple, sucky. Spencer's fevers are not going down. In fact it has been doing the opposite. On my way home from the hospital today Nate calls me to tell me that his temp is now 104.9. Um, excuse me? 105? It has been awhile since I have been hit with these realities. I have become so comfortable to a normal, healthy boy and here I am again mentally preparing myself. What would I do if I lost my son? If I lost my first born baby? How do you move on from that? Have you ever been surrounded by so many people but felt so lonely. I feel like I am in a different dimension. It is like I can see what is going on but I have no connection, no communication. I am stuck in this glass box and I cannot get out. I am screaming but no one can understand me. They can hear me, but the words do not make sense. It was so nice to have a break from it all this summer but the normality of it all has made the real life situation a lot harder to accept again. Tears are hard to come by these days but today I haven't been able to turn them off. What if's and anxieties keeping me awake and distract my thoughts. We have been through this before and we can do it again. My guess is that his line will have to be replaced once again. Please pray for my Spence that his fever will break, his heart rate will go down and that the bacteria will clear up. A few moments ago a friend commented to me "may you feel the presence of Angels surrounding you", and I feel them. " Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27. We can do hard things and with God we can do impossible things.

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