Monday, May 10, 2010
Breakdown: Part 100
I was not intending on writing tonight, but I am having a moment. I feel like screaming tonight. I feel like grabbing a vase or anything glass and throwing it against the wall. I want to kick and I want to punch and I appreciate you all listening while I rant. Spence is pretty sick. The infection he has makes him have these mini tremors from his fever. He shakes so hard and it takes awhile for it to stop. He breaks out in a rash and pretty much his eyes roll back into his head. There are moments in every mother's life that she has a "freak out" over her child's health. These moments are the worst for me. I feel like "is this it?" As I am stroking his sweet bald head my heart races and I think "is this going to be the last time I do this?" His whole short childhood goes racing through my mind as I thank God for every moment I have had with him and silently pray and beg for many more moments. "Please do not let this be the last one, please." I think how will I deal with this if we ever come down to it? It seems like only yesterday that I watched and felt his sweet spirit enter into this world PLEASE do not make me watch it leave. To all of the mother's who have lost a child, my soul cries for you. I do not know how much more suffering I can watch this innocent, little boy endure. ARRRGH! I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs! I wish that I could tell Isabelle and Gavin that I will be home, that I don't have to be gone days at a time. I wish that I could tell Spencer that it will be alright, but I cannot even tell myself that. What happened to my healthy, rambunctious seven year old who always had a new story to tell. Why him? What is in store for this strong spirit? How can I find the same strength? Don't leave me.
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im in tears reading this....i cannot even imagine....our prayers are with you every night and day! love you lots! :)
ReplyDeleteYou can do Hard things...
ReplyDelete"The Lord shapes our back to bare the burdens that have been placed upon it."
Hang it there!! You are in my heart and prayers. I felt the same way last night as I sat up with Collin for four and half hours as he screamed in pain. It is hard.... BUT you can do it!
BIG HUGS
We are thinking about you and your cute little family
ReplyDeleteOh no you don't Holly! You scream, kick, yell, cry, ask why and wonder how as much as you want, but you keep fighting. I know you will. You and Spence will find strength in eachother and in HIM. xoxo
ReplyDeleteGo in your car Holly and scream and scream and scream!!!! Then go back in and fight the fight with Spencer. We love you! You are in our prayers every day!
ReplyDeleteHolly our thoughts and prayers are with you and Spencer.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you and Spencer and the rest of your family are going through. I pray for you. The strength you will need will be there.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for quite awhile now....and I must say you are amazing! All of you!! The strength and the courage you show is beyond words....and Super Spence is definitely a fighter!! You touch me with your words and you inspire all those around you to be better and to love more. Cancer is a thief....a thief that doesn't care that it steals....but you are the calvary that mounts up and attacks this thief! My children and my hubby and I pray for you every night. May the Lord continue to bless and keep you at this most difficult time. You are a Warrior Spence....and so are all the members of your family!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there mom..Make sure you let somebody hold you too! You take your time to scream and kick and throw you have earned it, it will refresh you. Our prayers are with your family.
ReplyDeleteholl, you're one of the strongest people i know. you are entitled to these moments--REMEMBER that they don't make you less strong, just human. kick, scream, and do whatever else you need to until it makes you feel better than you do now. you can do this; God wouldn't put you through this if you couldn't. you're stronger than you think. i love you.
ReplyDeleteDear Holly and Spencer: Holly, I don't mean to be too nosy, but haven't you & Nate asked for or received a blessing of comfort telling you that Spencer is going to be OK through this horrible process? I got the 1st one, Dale got the 2nd. If you haven't, GET ONE. Also, the pictures truly show that Spencer's eye is getting better. That's fantastic. It's working. Be of good cheer.
ReplyDeleteHe's beating the cancer. By the time he's 10 he'll be 100% back as the Spencer you know and love. That's a lot of wonderful life left for all of you. We love and pray for you all every day. Uncle Kevin, et al
Let it out! Do what you have to do, but don't hold it in!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't tell anyone I'm checking your blog while I'm at work :)
ReplyDeleteYou guys are amazing!