Saturday, May 29, 2010

Donde Esta....?

I lead a glamorous life. I shower and dress and get ready for the day. For a day, and for days of sitting in my chair in the corner as I count down the hours. Facebook, iPods, books, magazines, none take my mind and my eyes off of the ticking clock. Waiting to leave. Waiting for a year to pass. Waiting for a minute to pass. I dress for the few occasions I leave the room to go the bathroom, or grab a bite to eat. I count down to 7 p.m. so that I can get in my pajamas and pretend that we will go to bed soon. I sit and watch long movies. I am just about done with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, while I play the same game over and over on the iPod Touch trying to beat my score. Spencer is moaning. He moans in his sleep when he is on chemo. I think it is mainly from the anti-emetics, especially Ativan. I understand his moaning, although maybe in a different aspect. My soul moans. Some days I have this inner dilemma with my spirit and my mind. Fatigue, and sorrow try to run over my sun shiny soul, thus leaving me with apathy. I have so much passion in me, and it feels so weird to not feel at all somedays. It is better to have a moaning soul than an empty shell. Feeling anything is much better than not feeling at all. My sister sends me pictures of the cute things Gavin does and it makes me jealous. Feeling something. Why don't I get to be with him? Where is he? Where is Belle? Where is "me"?


  1. You are changing so many lives. We have nothing to complain about. Keep your spirits up!

  2. Thank you for posting REAL life. You amaze me (us). I am only going to post on this one but so proud of you for deciding to take some time for yourself. You will have more energy and more to give.