Monday, May 17, 2010


Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we willingly put ourselves in these situations? We choose to make our hearts and our souls vulnerable the moment we decide to become mothers. "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Is this debatable? No, I do not think it is. As I left my scared, crying Spencer to sit in the waiting room, as he was wheeled into surgery to have his line replaced, I passed parents with babies, kissing them, smiling at them as they proceed for surgery, one was coming out of recovery. What makes us so insane that we purposely decide to give our whole being for these perfect angels? Did we ever even imagine in our wildest dreams that by having a child we would feel so much, that we would discover feelings we never had. And then when something happens to that child we find that there is even more to feel, feelings so raw that they literally hurt. I feel this way every time I send my baby to surgery, every time he starts chemo, every time he throws up, or cries and even laughs, because laughs are so priceless these days. It is indeed better to have loved and lost then to never have experienced the love of being a mother. Every pain, every smile, every tear is worth every single moment I get with these flawless babies." Babies are bits of stardust blown from the hand of God. Lucky is the woman who have felt the pangs of birth for she has touched a star" Oh how lucky I am to have birthed these beautiful stars. I am thankful every day to God to be a mother, to feel all kinds of emotions. To feel the pangs of birth and life and death as I get to borrow these special spirits. Spence will be fine. He will be done shortly. I am lucky to feel peace these days. He will have on small dose of chemo tomorrow and then we will be able to go home! Home!


  1. motherhood is truly a special blessing, it is amazing that we get to teach, love and hold these amazing spirits!
    im so happy you will be going home soon!

  2. I hope it went well :) Sorry I wasn't there when you all got back! You guys are in my prayers. Three cheers for home!!!

  3. This post should be featured in a book about Motherhood. The way you put it is eloquent and perfect. It's so true--every bit is worth being a mother, even if experiences rip you raw down to the core. How much closer to God can you get than when holding one of his sweet spirits he's entrusted you with? Well put, Holly. I love you. It was a pleasure to be a part of your experience yesterday.

  4. Holly,
    at my mom's funeral, my dad read a quote that talks about a woman's trials, i'll get it for you, i don't remember the whole thing, but at the end of it she says that she would go thru it ALL again because in the end it's all about love and the lessons learned. i know that our experiences make us who we are and the kind of people Heavenly Father wants and needs for us to be. i MARVEL at you. i check your blog periodically throughout the day because i draw strength from you and your sweet, sweet, innocent boy. i hope you are doing alright. xoxoxoxox