Someone recently told me that cancer is not the worst thing that can happen in life. I have two things to say to that: tell that to my son, and maybe it isn't but watching your child suffer so intensely, is. Today is the worst day we have had. Crying, diarrhea, throwing up, crying. "This is the worst day ever" he cried to me as I wiped the diarrhea from his legs because he was too weak to wipe it. He can't even stand without help. I just keep thinking what am I going to do when there ARE worse days than today? There have been so many times in his life that I have said "Spencer, settle down", what I would give to be able to say those words to him. He can't even walk without screaming. He has lost even more weight. He just right now said to me "I wish Jesus was right here on the earth right now" "Why, honey?" "Then he can come and heal me." "He is alive baby, all you have to do is close your eyes and ask him to heal you." "I have lots and lots of faith mom". I wish that I could have his faith. His lips are the same pale color as his face and his hair is almost gone. He looks like a cancer patient. I am sitting with him now in the oncology clinic. Dr. Afify came in and was not happy with the way he looks. She panicked me. She told the nurse that she didn't want a regular fluid bolus drip, that she wanted it set to gravity so that it gets into his body faster. She said he needs it right away. We will skip radiation today and be admitted here for at least the day so that we can "perk" my dehydrated little boy up. He was trying to sleep and she shook him awake. She was worried. When the doctor is worried that is not a good sign. We decided that his outake (diarrhea, vomit, urine) hasn't been horrible, it is his intake (eating,drinking) that has not been so great. I looked up "NG (nasogastric-nose and stomach) tube insertion last night and it is not a fun thing. I sooo don't want to have to watch him go through that but he needs to fight, and he is not fighting. He needs as much nutrition as he can. If they are going to admit us then I may ask for it to happen. Please pray for my guy. Pray for him to eat. Pray for his comfort. The nurse just came in and said his lab results look good. He is a little dehydrated but his blood counts are fine. He is just feeling cruddy.
I just said a prayer for your son and his family...I hurt for you. We each have our "hand picked by Heavenly Father" trials and we handle them with His help, but, oh my, you are going through every mother's nightmare. "Be still and know that I am God", He is in control...everything will work out according to His plan. He loves us, tests us and strengthens us. He hurts with us, but knows the whole picture. We don't, but through faith, we know things WILL be okay...regardless. Please know that prayers are being said in your behalf. Thank you for sharing your experience. Through sharing what you are going through, the good, the bad and the ugly, you are blessing me and countless others.
ReplyDeleteHolly we're praying! Be strong! I love his faith. Tears are in my eyes! He just strengthened ME and I've never met him! By small and simple things, great things come to pass. He can do this! We're holding so many good thoughts for you. Love love love.
ReplyDeleteMy sister sent me a link to your blog. My maiden name is Gooch. Not sure if somewhere down the line we are related, but already I have a special place in my heart for your son and your family. I love his faith!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give him a big hug and you too. I will definitely keep you all in my prayers.
Bonnie Gooch Smith
oh Holly. I am so sorry for everything that you're having to endure, and even more for what sweet Spencer is going through. Max needed a haircut last night but we decided to wait until Saturday so he can shave his head for Spencer. We're praying for you. We love you!!!
ReplyDeleteThe feeding tube that Kristoffer had was a life saver! We tried TPN twice but he never gained weight. It kept him alive but barely. It is very hard to put them through another procedure but it made him stronger and gave us a way to give him nutrition without having him admitted to a hospital. I am so sorry you have to go through this. We are praying for this time to go by very fast and his little body to get stronger. Take care!!
ReplyDeleteAudrie Flack
I'm so sorry that he has to go thru this and the rest of your family..I continue to pray for all of u...I pray that the Lord may rap his arms around all of u right now and u may fine some comfort..Even if it's for a little while.....I'm always thinking of u from down South.
ReplyDeleteWe are praying for Spencer. Give him a big hug from us.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you and Spencer are going through this. I heard about Spencer from my friend Heather White. I will be praying for Spencer and your entire family. Sending hugs and prayers from Colorado.
ReplyDeletelinda miller
Holly, we've never met, though I went to the same high school as you. I'm so sorry for the trials you and your son are going through right now. Please know that yet another stranger is praying for Spencer's suffering to ease, and for our Heavenly Father to send you strength so you can continue to care for yourself and your family through Spencer's treatment and eventual recovery period.
ReplyDeleteI cry every time I read your blog. Today, I sobbed. Prayers are coming from Cache Valley as well.
ReplyDeleteI think you may find a bit of comfort by reading the story of Daisy, a 5 year old going through cancer. google Pray for Daisy Love. Her mom keeps a blog and you may find at least commonality.
ReplyDeleteMay HE wrap his arms around your Spencer and bring him strength and comfort tonight.
Holly and Nate, Chels was telling me about the experience this morning with Papa Thayne and the blessing. We are so blessed to have the knowledge we have and that Heavenly Father knows us and loves us. My heart breaks for your whole family and the hurt you have. However, for every negative there is a positive. Maybe you can make a game with Spencer and Belle and have them think of something good each day that has happened.
ReplyDeleteJust know the love you have for Spencer, Belle and Gavin is many times multiplied by the love Heavenly Father has for us. Stay faithful and prayerful and we'll do the same in your behalf.
Loves and hugs to you all. Kelly Bowyer :O)
I'm so sorry. whoever said that "cancer isn't the worst thing in life" should get kicked. HARD. =) Tell him I know how he feels and I know that Jesus is with Him ALL the time. Make sure he gets a priesthood blessing... whenever he wants it.
ReplyDeleteI knew a lot of kids with NG tubes and they loved them as much as they loved their broviacs. They knew how to put them in all by themselves, even. =) I never had one. Too stubborn and vain.
My heart aches for you and little Spencer. Stay strong.
I agree--watching your child suffer IS the worst trial!!! My daughter had that same wish in those exact same words when she had some surgery done & it was nowhere near as big of a deal as Spencer's cancer. The faith of children is amazing. We are praying for Spencer and hope he gets feeling a little better soon.
ReplyDeleteI would love to hear what that person considers to be the worst trial because I can not imagine anything worse than the fear & suffering Spencer goes through 24 hours a day. Spencer is an example to us all of courage and strength! Go Team Spencer
ReplyDeletePraying constantly for our little Spence....but sending EXTRA prayers for him. He is a fighter. Even if his little body is a little weak to fight right now, his spirit still has a so much fight left!!! We believe in him...and know that Jesus CAN heal him. We love you so much!!
ReplyDeleteI think he will start feeling better in a few days. Irinotecan for 5 days plus radiation is tough. After he gets rehydrated and the poops get under control he will feel like eating again. A feeding tube isn't needed quite yet. He just needs a couple of days to work it out of his system! Hang in there, I think you will notice a big difference tomorrow. My family will say extra prayers for him tonight! :)
ReplyDeleteTiff
We love you Spence, we pray hard for you everyday!
ReplyDeleteI just got the worst stomach ache reading this post. I'm so worried. I am praying for you guys. Poor Spence. I pray he will fight and feel better soon. I can't imagine your pain.
ReplyDeleteHolly- i only knew you for about 6 months while we worked at LDS CP together, but it didn't take long to realize the love you had for your children!! You ALWAYS talked about them!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe your family is going through this. It absolutely breaks my heart. I've been reading your blog with my 2 oldest kids and every night they ask, let's read Spencer's blog. They both cried tonight. Karson (8 yrs) said "Mom, it makes me so sad that he wants Jesus there with him. I hope Jesus will come to him here on earth and that Spencer doesn't leave his family to go meet Jesus." Taylorann (12 yrs) "Mom...Spencer is not even 8 and I am 12. His faith in Jesus Christ...I don't know if I could do that."
Holy, please know that although I am sure it is not easy to be so public with your trials and heartache, the faith of you, your Spence and your entire family is inspiring!!
As another sister in the Gospel and another mother in zion...my prayers are with you and your beautiful family!! And from one UTE family to another, WE LOVE YOU!!
Sending prayers and love to you guys!
ReplyDeletek- that SOMEONE... needs to seriously shove it!! I love you guys! Wish I could give u a big hug.. and kick someone in the knee caps.. where it really hurts!
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