Remember Me

My Melly is a supervisor at a movie theatre and we occasionally indulge in midnight previews of movies coming out the next day. Tonight was Remember Me. This is going to be a spoiler for anyone who is planning on seeing the movie but I relating it to my life, and my experiences. It is relevant. It is hard for me to watch movies about young twenties finding themselves. I lived that life. I experienced that depressing life of emptiness and mistakes before I was able to find who I wanted to be, and before I had the faith enough to be who I wanted to be. All of those things have made me into the person I am, the mother I am, the wife, and the friend that I am now. Those times were dark and sad and in the past. After about two hours of depressing family life, relationships and self reflection the movie ends on September 11, 2001. This day for me is significant in more ways than the obvious. This is the day that I was "one day" pregnant with my first child, my son, my Spencer. I woke up that morning to the phone ringing. My best friend, Sara, told me to turn on the television. It was 8:45 a.m. in Utah. My heart sank. Nate and I had been trying to get pregnant, and all I could think about was, "how can I bring a baby into this sad "at war" world?" I was terrified. I found out two weeks later that I was indeed pregnant. I remember buying "What To Expect When You're Expecting" for Nate. I wrapped it up and gave it to him with a "congratulations" card when he got home from school that afternoon. I thought my emotions were contained until he opened his card. I had the pregnancy test hiding behind my back. He looked up at me and we both started to cry. The excitement, the terror, the daydreams of being parents, first time parents, were now real to us. I remember the fears I had. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I have a miscarriage? What if there is something wrong with my baby? What if something tragic happens during the birth? What if my child is kidnapped? What if my child dies? The fears they never end when you are a mother. What if my child has cancer? What happens when we are really faced with these fears? Then what? I don't have the answer. I am still trying to figure this out, but until then I will get up in the morning and take Spencer to radiation, I will take him to chemo, I will enjoy my children and my husband and I will hope that I find the answer.