Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Resentment
I am sad today. I think a lot of it is because I am more than tired. Gavin has not been sleeping at all during the night and with the emotional exhaustion, my body and mind are screaming at me. I am going to be completely honest on this blog and I don't want to offend anyone. I know that other people still are living their lives and that their problems are real to them. I have a hard time reading everyone's status updates on Facebook. I see complaints about teething babies (i have one of those too on top of all of this), friends praying for Spring, or for the snow to go away, complaints about sore throats, hangnails and disappointments in the Bachelor. I wish these were my only problems, but instead of praying for Spring, I am praying for my son's life. Instead of hangnails and sore throats I am hoping that my son's excruciating headaches from his tumor, and his nightmares to go away. I wish that I could enjoy the Bachelor, and all of the shows we have tivoed but all I care about is spending every moment with my sweet boy. I don't want to invalidate any of your lives. I have left many status updates about So You Think You Can Dance, or my toilets being clean. I think I feel a resentment and not towards anyone in particular but just a general resentment that everyone else gets to continue on with their "normal" lives while I beg and plead for the comfort and longevity of my son's life. I wish a million wishes that I can just be back to normal. I don't want to readjust my life. I don't want to hate Facebook.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi, I've been reading for a couple of weeks now. My aunt is Karen Wilson, she passed on your blog to me. To make a long story short, my husband has been battling stage IV cancer for over 2 years now. Although watching my child go through this is not something I have had to do, I can relate to the emotions you are having! I hate Facebook for the same reasons you mentioned. I deactivated my account because anything I had to say was too heavy for a forum like facebook, and the things others wrote caused me to have strange feelings that I didn't like. I must say that after 2 years I have finally stopped thinking "If they only knew what we were going through" about every person I passed in the grocery store.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to leave a huge comment about me, just trying to say I can totally relate. You have a whirwind of some ups and some very down downs coming your way. Don't feel guilty about feeling what you feel. I would dare guess you will even hate your blog for a while and wish you never started it because words can't do justice the feelings you are feeling. Hang in there, I'll hate facebook right along with you, OK? Praying for you and your family and your sweet little boy.
I know what you mean. But like it or not this is our new normal. I too enjoyed doing laundry, dishes and cleaning toilets because it was 'normal'. I know it's infinitely worse going through this with a child and having two young healthy children who need you too. Accept one of the many offers to help and let them stay up with Gavin while you sleep. I'm worried about your health. I have been miraculously blessed with health, but I've had it much easier than you. I wonder if there are online support groups for parents of children with cancer. They are the ones who would know best how to cope with such insurmountable stress. I just feel bad for you. Hang in there, remember a multitude of people are praying for you. Cast your burdens at His feet and He will carry it for you.
ReplyDeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you would feel about this, but I was wondering if we could take Gavin for a night so you can get some sleep? Drew doesn't sleep well either, so it really wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. I know how things seem even harder than ever when you are sleep deprived and I would be more than happy to do anything I can to help you guys out. If you don't feel comfortable with it, I totally understand, but really, consider it and let me know!
We still think about you all and pray for you daily if not more. Please let me know what else we can do.
Cancer has changed the way you think and feel about life... probably for the rest of your life. At some point (and it may be in a year or not for 50) you will probably go back to complaining about life's little irritants and finding release in silly things - like the Bachelor and SYTYCD. I have... and I'm grateful I have. That means I don't have cancer right now. But you will treasure the life you've been given and your perspective will be different. You know that you'll get through it and that eternity gives us much to look forward to. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of the face book status updates about weather or snow or minor illnesses. I think about you and your family 24/7 these days. I think some of us do it (dumb status updates) to forget about some of the trials and things we are going through. Your trial is something that isn't easy to hide or keep secret but we all have things we are going though. I am so proud of you for being so open and honest on this blog. I love you Holly and remember all the fun time we had working together. I wish so bad you didn't have to be going though this. bad things should not happen to people I know and love. You are normal to feel the way you do. I don't blame you one bit. I know you feel alone. I wish I was closer. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly!
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm a friend of Jodi Bennetts, and I am now a follower of your little "superhero". I just had to say something. I'm so thankful for your resentment....is that okay? Because it's your resentment that makes me remember how precious life is, and how facebook, the bachelor, and teething, mean nothing. We all need reminders, and I appreciate yours. I pray for you and your son and your family. For strength, and I'll also pray for sleep.
ReplyDeleteFrom a stranger and a Sister,
Jamie
hi, this is one of leslie's friends again... i too am guilty of those lame fb status updates (but not the bachelor ones!!)... i blithely write them with whatever happens come to mind not thinking what others may think of them. while i have no idea what you are going thru, i can only imagine how those make you feel... and i know that you are absolutely entitled to all those feelings!!
ReplyDeletei hope that i'm not completely overstepping bounds by reading your journey... but it touches my heart. i live in chicago and there is an organization called imerman angels. it is run by a fabulous guy (johnny imerman) and it offers one on one cancer support from individuals of the same age who have gone thru the specific cancers and can give advice from their own perspective and answer questions. they also have mentors/match ups for caregivers, family members, and just about anyone who needs someone to talk to. they are absolutely amazing... their website is http://imermanangels.org/... it's totally free... maybe this might help a little bit?!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi, this is Amber, I'm Lindsey and Logan Helms cousin.
ReplyDeleteHere is a CaringBridge post from an amazing mother whose daughter has had Neuroblastoma twice, and is still battling against it. I loved what she wrote and wanted to share it with you.
Praying for a miracle for your family.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/maryevelynking/journal/2
I can totally understand your resentment. I feel guilty knowing my children are healthy and that I get frustrated because my baby doesn't want to go to bed until midnight. They are si insignificant in comparison. I think of you daily. I pray for you all constantly. I cry for you. Don't forget to take care of yourself too! I love you Holly!
ReplyDeleteThis is Bergen I'm so sorry I'm praying for him every night i hope those blessings ALL come true and I'm saying this from the heart!! Tell him he's so strong and he can make it and I have TRUST In him.
ReplyDeleteAMEN.... we NEED to talk. Seriously. What is your email so I can send you my phone number?
ReplyDelete