Sunday, March 13, 2011
Drowning...again.
I don't even know where to begin today. In my last post, I spoke too soon. The next day we headed to the hospital for a fever. Spence started the day at school and ended up coming home early, saying that he felt like he needed a blood transfusion. Low and behold, what do ya know? The kid was right. His hematocrit (red blood cell count) was really low. We spent the day there getting antibiotics and blood but were lucky enough to go home since all of the other blood counts were great. Since then he has had terrible headaches every day. The start in the late afternoon and debilitate him for the rest of the night. We had a fun filled weekend and he did not get a chance to enjoy much of it because of his headaches. On top of the headaches he is having anxiety attacks over them. He was sobbing in the car the other day and I asked him what was wrong and he said "I do not want to go through this all over again". Right before Spence was first diagnosed he was having horrendous migraines. He would scream and cry until he received comfort by falling asleep. I assume this is a repercussion of the pressure of his tumor. Now that the headaches are back he is so worried. It makes me heart sad. I on the other hand do not feel worried about it. Usually I would but I just don't. Nate started to worry as well and I told him I felt peaceful about it and he told me he trusted my intuition. Let's just hope it's right! I feel that after a LONG year of chemo and going back to school full time has worn the kid out. So now I am in this dilemma. Do I cut out some school time? Do I just let him go part time? I am a wreck. I don't know why I am such a wreck but I am. Today I am sick of it all. Today I just feel like crying myself to sleep and kicking and screaming. Today I want a normal kid. Why does he have to go through this stuff? Why can't he have a normal life? Why can't I get my house in order? Why do I feel like I am drowning again? I can't get it together. Today I just don't know how to do it all.
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You can't do it all, don't even try. You do have order, just not the one you want. You are probably right, the stress of all day school is likely wearing him out. Recovering from the chemo and all that he's been through is going to take time. We'll pray that he is a quick healer. He will learn to listen to his body and you are in tune to his needs. Uncle KR starts feeling pretty good and then over does it and his body let's him know by getting sick usually, sometimes just plain tired and he knows he needs to take it easy to store up more energy. Together you'll learn, one day at a time. Spencer look how much you have survived. You are so brave. You are made of stronger metal than most. You are very close to the treatment finish line and at the start of the healing. You will get there. And so will you Holly. You are in my EVERY prayer. I love you Gooches!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the first few sentences in my Google reader, my heart sank! I'm glad you guys are back home again, though. It's so heartbreaking knowing that even though you may be through the worst parts, there will always be worry and anxiety. You guys sound like a great, tough family, though. I'm sending good thoughts your way. <3
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher I'd recommend half days. And if he is to tired for that, don't worry about it. You are his mother and you know best. Most kids can bounce back academically within a year.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are doing great! Just keep nurturing your family and all will be well, even if there's clutter.
Don't do it all. Let go of things that aren't necessary and take care of yourself and your baby. You'll never regret procrastinating a load of laundry or dishes knowing that you built relationships and nurtured your family in that time. They grow up so fast and you'll have so much time to clean. Your kids won't remember how clean you kept things, they'll remember how much you held them. I love you Holly. You are not alone. He carries us just when we can't take another step. This I know. I was looking at photo albums with Ruby last night and who could have guessed all that we'd go through when we were covered in grape juice and dirt at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Give everyone a hug from Hawaii. We love you guys.
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