Sunday, March 13, 2011
I don't even know where to begin today. In my last post, I spoke too soon. The next day we headed to the hospital for a fever. Spence started the day at school and ended up coming home early, saying that he felt like he needed a blood transfusion. Low and behold, what do ya know? The kid was right. His hematocrit (red blood cell count) was really low. We spent the day there getting antibiotics and blood but were lucky enough to go home since all of the other blood counts were great. Since then he has had terrible headaches every day. The start in the late afternoon and debilitate him for the rest of the night. We had a fun filled weekend and he did not get a chance to enjoy much of it because of his headaches. On top of the headaches he is having anxiety attacks over them. He was sobbing in the car the other day and I asked him what was wrong and he said "I do not want to go through this all over again". Right before Spence was first diagnosed he was having horrendous migraines. He would scream and cry until he received comfort by falling asleep. I assume this is a repercussion of the pressure of his tumor. Now that the headaches are back he is so worried. It makes me heart sad. I on the other hand do not feel worried about it. Usually I would but I just don't. Nate started to worry as well and I told him I felt peaceful about it and he told me he trusted my intuition. Let's just hope it's right! I feel that after a LONG year of chemo and going back to school full time has worn the kid out. So now I am in this dilemma. Do I cut out some school time? Do I just let him go part time? I am a wreck. I don't know why I am such a wreck but I am. Today I am sick of it all. Today I just feel like crying myself to sleep and kicking and screaming. Today I want a normal kid. Why does he have to go through this stuff? Why can't he have a normal life? Why can't I get my house in order? Why do I feel like I am drowning again? I can't get it together. Today I just don't know how to do it all.
Posted by Gooches at 7:05 PM