I do not have anything profound to say tonight. I just have a whole bunch of feelings in my heart that I cannot really get out. I do not even think I really know what they are. I think I feel something. I think I feel too much, but then I wonder if I am feeling numb. Is it possible to feel too much? So much that you start to not feel at all? I have had some new life changing experiences with this trial come about in the last week or so. I want to say that I have new priorities but that is not the right thing to say. My priority has always been my family but it seems now, nothing else matters. I have this "refound" deep love and appreciation for me husband. I miss him when he is gone and I get excited to see him when he gets home. My heart flutters when my baby girl signs she loves me while walking into class, and as she blows a million kisses my way. I get so excited to see my babies first thing in the morning. I love to smile at them and show them how happy I am to see them. I just love to be with my family.
Spencer's hair is growing back. His eyelashes are almost fully grown, along with his eyebrows. His head is fuzzier than ever! It is fun, but makes me a little nervous. I don't know why. I feel like when his hair grows back, he will just look like a normal, skinny kid. Strangers will not be able to see him and know the trials he is facing, the strength he has, the war wounds. It was hard for me at first to get all of the stares when we would go out but now I feel honored to have people be touched, if only by a glance, by this giant. This hard year of ours has been so emotional that our lives are forever branded and I feel like it is so hard to move on, I feel attached to this bald guy. I think I am afraid of falling back into the comfort of normalcy only to have to go through this again. I almost feel as emotional about the "end" of this as I was when we were first diagnosed. The difference is experience. There is much more experience on this end. In the beginning the emotions stemmed for the unknown. The end of this ride is just so much more than I thought it would be. It is not a smooth transition. My friend said that it is like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we got through the crisis but its the aftermath that brings so many emotions and acceptance of how we have been changed. I think she is soooo right. I am so exhausted and sometimes wish I could just sleep for days at a time. I think I am hoping to catch up to reality, or wake up from a very long dream. But for now I will continue to do some major damage on a very unlucky punching bag.