Sunday, January 16, 2011


I didn't have time today to put together a fancy blog with pictures, but I had a couple of thoughts I wanted to record. I realized that if all goes well, Spencer's last chemo will be two months from tomorrow. TWO MONTHS! Is that even a real statement? It makes me nervous to say it out loud, but I am thinking it may be really, real. Regular school and church attendance may be in our near future. Bike rides and playing at the park, SWIMMING, among many other activities may really be in our near future. Really real. Was there life before this cancer? I don't even remember. If there was, it feels like lifetimes ago. I also realized today that in four months Gavin will be two. This thought made me feel guilty. He was nine months old when Spencer was first diagnosed and I feel like I have not had the time or the opportunity to watch him grow up. In fact, he is 20 months today. I had another "take your breath away" moments this evening. It was more like "knock the wind out of you" but nonetheless, not enough air. I found a big stack of pics from over the past year, mostly at the beginning of treatment. There were a few different elements causing this lack of oxygen. The first being the severity of the physical damage from the tumor. Second, his sweet little baby face. He doesn't even look like the same kid. He is so much older now. And third, the pain you can see on his face, translates the pain I was feeling in the very depths of my soul. It is like opening old wounds. Old wounds that really aren't that old. And for a few moments I realized there was no air. I had to gasp for a breath, and be thankful for the present moments I have right now, with my son close by. Tonight Spencer had a break down. I am not going to go into the details of his bad choices, but I will say that he was unhappy with the consequences and decided he was going to leave. He put on his boots and his coat and headed out the door. I sat and watched him as he contemplated how far he would go. After about 15 minutes he decided to go farther than I could watch him from the window. A few minutes later I decided I would go and find him. As I walked out of the front door he came walking up the driveway sobbing. I walked to him and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and he said "mom, I made the wrong choice" referring to the mistakes he made to get him into this predicament. I gave him a big huge hug and knelt down to his level I told him "sometimes we make the wrong choices, but I will always come for you". I wanted him to know that I will ALWAYS be here for him no matter his decisions. Isn't that how our Father in heaven works? How awful would it be if we were abandoned during our darkest times, in times of shame and guilt? When we walked back into the house, we were cuddling for a little bit and he looked at me with quivering lips trying to hold back the tears. "Mom, I am sorry that I kicked your car". Oh my Spencer. It took everything I had not to burst into laughter. I love this kid. I love his deepest understanding of true repentance, and his rational thinking and lack of pride that enables him to apologize. Life is too short and too precious to not apologize. Do not wait for the other person to make the first move. Show love, character, and mercy, just as our Savior does for you.


  1. Beautiful post, Holly... what a tough and wise kid you have. Always in our prayers!

  2. Oh, Holl. That's such a sweet story. What a precious boy. I love him so much. You are a great mother.