Tonight I feel vulnerable. I have not let my guard down like this in quite some time and I do not like feeling this way. Nate talked to one of our doctors today. She said the same thing she did last time. She did not think there was a lot of improvement in the tumor overall since radiation but she said that there are good signs or improvement in his face and in other parts of his body. This got me down. I do not know if it was just the anxiety of not being able to hear her myself, and sense her overall body language, or if it was Nate's anxiety not quite picking up all of the optimism, but it makes me feel vulnerable and I really do not like feeling this way. I started to have those thoughts again, the thoughts of losing my son, of a life without him. I was sitting on the couch with Belle and Gavs thinking, "is this it?" Is this how it is going to be? My two children. I think, could I have any more children? It is not like I could ever replace my first born child, and would I up my risk of repeating this horrible illness to my family by bringing another baby into this world? I do not like to be a downer but this is me, raw and this is what I am bringing right now. On a more positive note this is the awesome email I got from Gina, our wonderful friend in California who heads up Team Spencer L.A. and who is in charge of all of the shirt orders. Let me tell you, this woman is going to be getting some big old blessings in the next life. This is what the email said and the pictures to go along with it:
Thanks to Farmers Insurance and one awesome super hero 62 envelopes and 13 boxes went out to 25 different states today to 85 different locations!!! All in the name of Superspence!!!! How awesome!!
We also want to thank Farmer's Insurance (Nate's employer) for all of the support given to us by the staff nationwide. We are overwhelmed by the all of the t-shirt orders and the donations that still keep coming to us. You are all such wonderful people with fabulous hearts and we appreciate all of the love and support we continue to receive from you. Nate is lucky to be employed by such a great company and surrounded by good people.