Kiss 'em Hug 'em Love 'em

All around me I hear, "did you hear {so and so} has cancer", or "{this person} died" or something of the likes and it is just too much. I am guessing some of you that read this were friends with Bunny, and I am so sorry for your loss. I didn't know her but I read her story, and I saw pictures of her with her beautiful family and little babies and my heart aches for them. For those of you who didn't know her, she was a beautiful 29 year old mom and wife who was taking a bike ride and was hit by a truck and she died the next day. There are sad stories everyday. Sometimes I wish it could just be "the end of the world" and I can begin living in eternity, happily, perfectly with my family. I just started this new paranoia thing. I swear I look into Gavin's eyes or Belle's eyes and their pupils are different sizes. My heart drops and I think I can't do this again. Of course their pupils are completely normal and symmetrical but it freaks me out. What would I do? My kids and my husband make me so happy. They totally complete me-Tom Cruise did not know what he was talking about. It would be a drab world without them and I am thankful for my faith that continues to give me hope. I have a friend whose nine year old boy has terminal cancer. She posted that is MRI results showed no more growth but his physical symptoms are worsening. What would you do? Your sweet little boy is suffering and his life is slipping through your hands, and it takes all you have to enjoy every last minute with him. My prayers, and my pain, and my tears go out to her. I have done a lot of really hard things in my life but being a mother is the hardest. I am sorry if this all seems so jumbled. I am just having all of these random thoughts. To sum things all up: Life is sad, but I am thankful for great family and kids to make it beautiful. Just a little update, Spencer is doing really well right now. He has to wear his leg braces continuously now, which he DOES NOT like at all. We had to buy new shoes 4 sizes too big to fit over them. It is kind of cute looking, his HUGE feet. His face looks so good and his spirits are so high. I do panic that we are going to wake up and his face will be droopy again, but then I collect myself and remember my hope and thank God for the miracles we have seen thus far. He has a five day clinic chemo starting next Thursday, along with a bone scan that day. The testing is always so nerve racking! I also found out that we don't have to go to clinic all of the days they will let him do the rest of the chemo at home, which is FABULOUS! I hope this really happens. I have the best family. I hope you all feel the same way about your family. Don't forget to hug and kiss your babies (and your husband) everyday and tell them that you love them as many times as you can because you never know what the next minute will bring.

So.

So. I have a lot of pictures to blog. I know that I have them and I have not been doing anything about it. I thought maybe I have been exhausted from my boot camp but really that is not it. I was thinking about it this morning and I decided that I am relishing this break. I feel that if I blog about cancer, then we have cancer. Does that make sense. Things are at a balance for the time being and I like it this way. We are feeling kind of normal. You know because feeding tubes, line flushes and bald 8 year olds are normal! We have adjusted things to our functioning and are doing quite well for the mean time. I am really learning to slow down and that has been a great blessing to all of us. I was able to make dinner for a friend's family this week, who was having a bad day and it felt so great to do something for someone else again. Especially for this friend who does so much for me everyday! I will work up the mind power, emotional strength and acceptance to start blogging again. I will make it a goal to post pictures this weekend. Today I am thankful for my health and my strength. This boot camp has built up my strength and makes me thankful for the ability to move and use my body.

Beautiful Boy

This last weekend was wonderful. The whole thing was great. It has been a spiritual, emotional and fabulous few days. I have pictures back and will post them in the next few days. I just wanted to keep you all updated. Spence is doing well. His numbers are pretty low today. Of course we were in the middle of a movie, in a public place, with lots of germs when I got the results of his blood draw. We rushed home and are now quarantined for a few day until his counts begin to rise. His first scout day camp is this weekend and I am beginning to think that he may miss it. Life is definitely full of one disappointment after another but hopefully he will forget a lot of these little details. I am so thankful to be a mom. I love each one of my children for their differences and their quirkiness. I am thankful for life even when there are disappointments. I am thankful that my son is so brave that he can shake these disappointments off without too much heartache, because MY heart aches watching his disappointments. He is growing up. There is a lot of difference in him from the last five and a half months. He looks so grown up. His face is different. He is so beautiful. I watch him play video games and think about how good he looks. How lucky we are to see him look this good. I decided that I am going to change my banner on the blog because these pictures just do not look like my guy any longer. I want to update it with new "beautifully bald" pictures. We have this week off and then at the end of next week we will start up our clinic chemos. It feels so nice to be moving on in the treatment plan. Next week will be week 20, 7 weeks shy of our "half way point". This is a long road, but it is moving.

Baptism Day

Wow. I did not realize that I had not blogged since Monday. I started a weight loss boot camp this week and it has been pretty intense. I have been going to bed early because it is at 5:30 in the morning, so needless to say, I have been exhausted. Today is baptism day. I am filled with many emotions but have been suppressing them so that I can stay focused and get things organized. Tonight I will let go. I am so pleased with my son and his choices in his life thus far. He is filled with faith and a deep understanding of the healing powers of the Atonement. I strive everyday to be worthy to be his mom. I have a friend who is taking professional pictures tonight, so it may be a few days before I blog this wonderful day. I am thankful to all of those people in Spencer's life who have taught him and who have been wonderful examples in his life. I am filled with much happiness today for the life that I have, for my children and for my husband. Nate and I are so blessed to have such a beautiful family.

Bring it On

Throughout my life, and more now than ever, I hear a lot about trials. Trials make us stronger. Trials are here to make us grow. I believe whole heartedly that trials do these things but I do not believe that these are their only purpose. All of us have trials. Some people do indeed need to grow, and gain strength, but trials do other things as well. Trials, tribulations, afflictions, sorrows, have done many things to make me who I am. I have had some pretty big "trials" throughout my life beginning as a young child. I have definitely brought on some of my own afflictions but most have been God's "strengthening" exercises. Trials, now for me are not strength builders. They reaffirm, they testify and they prove my strength. I think that the Lord sometimes wants to double check this strength or maybe Satan likes a challenge. There is no challenge here because there is NO OTHER way for me. I am deeply rooted in God. These words are not meant for me to show you "MY" strength. I want to testify to you that the Lord builds us up, molds us, strengthens us if we allow ourselves to be sustained through Him, to root ourselves in faith and to build our foundations upon Him. I have times of vulnerability, sadness, and even anger, BUT NEVER doubt. Life is ever changing, unstable and full of surprises, but the Lord is not. He is constant, and solid, and warm. He has never left me and always gives me the peace I seek. I am me because of my trials. I don't want to open myself for more "strengthening exercises" by saying this, but I feel privileged that God has given me these experiences to prove to Him that I am ever-faithful, unwaivering, anchored in Him. I have been feelin that I didn't blog enough on my faith and who I really am. This is me. Through my sorrows, my tears, and my vulnerability I will remain this way. I may be making myself an easy target for Satan and for more trials but to this I say "bring it on, I am a daughter of God!"

Vulnerable

Tonight I feel vulnerable. I have not let my guard down like this in quite some time and I do not like feeling this way. Nate talked to one of our doctors today. She said the same thing she did last time. She did not think there was a lot of improvement in the tumor overall since radiation but she said that there are good signs or improvement in his face and in other parts of his body. This got me down. I do not know if it was just the anxiety of not being able to hear her myself, and sense her overall body language, or if it was Nate's anxiety not quite picking up all of the optimism, but it makes me feel vulnerable and I really do not like feeling this way. I started to have those thoughts again, the thoughts of losing my son, of a life without him. I was sitting on the couch with Belle and Gavs thinking, "is this it?" Is this how it is going to be? My two children. I think, could I have any more children? It is not like I could ever replace my first born child, and would I up my risk of repeating this horrible illness to my family by bringing another baby into this world? I do not like to be a downer but this is me, raw and this is what I am bringing right now. On a more positive note this is the awesome email I got from Gina, our wonderful friend in California who heads up Team Spencer L.A. and who is in charge of all of the shirt orders. Let me tell you, this woman is going to be getting some big old blessings in the next life. This is what the email said and the pictures to go along with it:

Thanks to Farmers Insurance and one awesome super hero 62 envelopes and 13 boxes went out to 25 different states today to 85 different locations!!! All in the name of Superspence!!!! How awesome!!



We also want to thank Farmer's Insurance (Nate's employer) for all of the support given to us by the staff nationwide. We are overwhelmed by the all of the t-shirt orders and the donations that still keep coming to us. You are all such wonderful people with fabulous hearts and we appreciate all of the love and support we continue to receive from you. Nate is lucky to be employed by such a great company and surrounded by good people.

Ray of Sunshine

I have not cried over cancer in awhile ( in the world of cancer moms awhile means like a week!). Spencer is doing well and is feeling healthy, I have had lots of reasons to smile. Yesterday I cried for the first time in "awhile". We had barely got settled into our hospital room when our nurse came in and told us about Ray. She said that there was a boy that was Spencer's age across the hall and he just barely shaved his head. He was soooo sad about shaving his head and was absolutely sure that there was not another kid around with the same "head style". He was not feeling well but she asked if we could just wave through the window so that he could see Spence and his cute bald head. Sometimes Spencer is hesitant about stuff like this. I was not sure how he would react, but with a big full smile, and nod of the head he said "yes!" We walked over to the room and cute little Ray feeling nauseated and all tucked under his blankets looked up and gave the sweetest smile when Spence waved to him and when he caught site of the identical head! Oh my heart. I have always known that Spence was a special kid. A different kind of special. The nurses here have shared with me that they will not work anywhere else because every single one of these kids possesses this same kind of "different special". I can testify to you that what I saw yesterday between those boys, even in the short moments it happened, and the feelings I get around these kids that this is most definitely true. I started welling up right there in the hall but I composed myself. I thought of his mom who was there with him and all of the things going on in her heart and in her mind, and in her soul over this new diagnosis. I wanted to tell her that things do get better, or at least that things feel more normal over time. I was telling my stepmom last night about this sweet little scenario and we both starting crying. How lucky we are to know these boys. How lucky we are to experience things like these in our lives even through yucky trials. I am thankful to have a son who can recognize his strengths and have the ability to serve even through all he is experiencing.