Sterility

It is ironic to me that the hospital, a place where warmth and comfort are needed the most, is so sterile and cold. As I sit and wait in an unfriendly, empty corridor, waiting for Spencer to be done with his bone marrow aspirate I think of this life we live. Life in general, my life specifically, and have to remind myself that this is not a dream. I feel like I am lifeless sometimes, so tired, and everyone around me just floating, flying past us. I have to remind myself that this is only a short period of time, this treatment, and this life. Someday we will all look back at this and marvel at how we were even able to do any of it. I did not have to sit long in the cold, sterile hall until we were greeted by familiar faces and warm smiles of our ICS "family". This is not the way to make friends but we are lucky enough now to add more people to our list. Yesterday Spencer had an MRI to check the "spots" on his spine that were faint at the beginning of all this, part of the metastatic disease (metastasizing-when the cancer spreads to other parts of the body). We found out today that the MRI was inconclusive because it was not done correctly, not by any one persons fault, just miscommunication. Usually with the contrast they give you for the MRI will show up any spots that may be concerning. With the spots on his spine, last time they showed up pre contrast and lightened post contrast, which is completely abnormal. Missing this bit of information they only did an MRI post contrast finding a completely normal looking spine, not spots at all. Let's hope that there really is nothing to find. He is going to be scheduled for another PET scan which specifically spots cancer cells shortly to follow up on the potentially cancerous lesions. Also, the MRI showed that the tumor stable, no shrinking since the beginning of April. This could mean a few things, one being that the tumor could be completely dead and just scar tissue. It may also mean that the tumor just is not reacting as quickly to the chemoes as we hoped. I am praying for the first reason. The PET scan will also be able to tell us these things. I bring in luggage, collect urine, eat, read, blog, collect more urine, pretend to sleep through the night, and do it all over again. It is a daunting road ahead of us and quite frankly behind us as well. I do not wish these things on any soul. It is only 2 pm and I cannot keep my eyes open.


Waiting for the MRI and the one in the corner is a groggy Spence waking up from sedation.



Playing DS in clinic today and waiting patiently in bed for bone marrow aspirate. You can tell how tired I am by this pictures. You can see the dark circles. Blah.

This is Me

I have had a few friends ask me to blog on myself. Blah. It's hard to blog on yourself when you have forgotten who you are. Maybe these friends were inspired to help me get back to Holly. I sometimes forget that my name is not "Cancer mom" or Spencers mom, Belle's mom, Gooch's wife. I am Holly somewhere. I love being all of those other things BUT I had to be something else to get me to who I am now. I will make a list of some "interesting" things about me to help me remember myself and acquaint you with me, if you don't know me personally.

.I am a quarter mexican. I know it is not much but I love that I have Mayan blood, and that I can tan.
.I say "totally" and "like" more than anyone you know
.I was born and raised in Southern California and I miss it and love the beach beyond comprehension.
.I have won several writing contests back in the day, and have written over 500 poems.
.By the time I graduated hs I had read the complete works of Shakespeare.
.I have read many, many books, most of them classics in my lifetime.
.I use exclamation points WAY more than I need too. It shows my passion.
.I L.O.V.E. sushi, and sashimi. >
.I am a CNA in labor and delivery (well on hold for now) and maybe going to finish nursing school when this is all done.
.I talk A LOT. Just ask my husband.
.I have had a breast reduction
.I have had my tongue pierced twice (totally ghetto I know! It was back in my "punk rock" days)
.I LOVE Shakira's Spanish music.
.I have been called Punky Brewster my whole life!
.I love boy movies, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, etc.
These are just a handful of things that make me who I am. I love being Spencer, Belle, and Gavin's mom, Gooch's wife, etc, etc and am thankful that my "Hollyness" has gotten me to my complete happiness of being a mom and a wife! I would not want anything more!

Curvature

I am a believer in miracles. We were looking through some older pictures this weekend and we could not believe how much better Spencer's face looks. In three short months, with the help of radiation, chemo and most importantly and ultimately, God, his face is fully functioning. Even without smiling you can see both of his cheeks. And when he does smile we get the whole dang thing! He even has the cute curvature that the corner of his lips do when he smiles, just like his daddy! Oh how I have missed that curve. We ask for special prayers this week as he undergoes evaluation of the lesions on his spine and the metastatic disease in his bone marrow. Both of these things were in small amounts when we began this journey and we are hoping for miracles. We know that we have been able to contain and maintain the destruction of his tumor, let's not put anything else on our plate. I would also like to ask for prayers of comfort for the sweet Bollschweiler family who recently lost their sweet three year old Seth to leukemia. Our hearts go out to your family.

Pocket Full of Sunshine

June 2nd marked four months since diagnosis. I am exhausted. It is a different kind of tired that I have never experienced. A fatigue I hope to never have to experience again. So many things and events in my life collectively have made me strong enough for this long journey. This past week has been good for us. Spencer is smiling, laughing, and running for heaven's sake! We have finally had a "break" without fevers, or infections or tummy aches. He has been getting tutoring from his wonderful teacher, Mr. Davis, going to parties and special events. He is my tough kid. He IS Superman. I am still trying to "cozy" myself into normalcy, but my lack of sleep only triggers emotions and a lack of enthusiasm. I smile everyday. With every ounce of energy I can muster up, I smile and I listen as my kids talk about anything they want to talk about. On Saturday morning I stopped at a garage sale. There was an older man sitting in the garage and he asked how I was. I told him I was well and responded by asking how he was doing. "It has been a long month" he said. "Tell me about it!" I said back to him. "You are just a baby, you couldn't possibly know what a long month is" he replied back to me. Oh how I wish my "youth" had only given me a lack of "exciting" events in my life. Oh how I wish that I didn't know what a long month, a long day, a long minute or even hour was. I am hoping to recover during this break before we go back for only two more chemo admits until we have a TWO MONTH summer of only "gentle" (haha) out patient chemoes! I cannot wait to enjoy the warmth and sun and the giggles and smiles of all of my babies!

My Home Health Nurse is Better Than Your Home Health Nurse

In the early afternoon of Spencer's birthday there was a knock on the door. Our home health nurse, Dylan, stopped by with a present for Spence. He brought over this awesome skull cap and a big fat jaw breaker. And this is reason 120 why our home health nurse is better than yours!

Ummm...Yeah....

So I have TOTALLY been a slacker on blogging. I did not realize how much of one I really am until today and I have over 100 pictures that have not been blogged about! Crazy! I am so sorry. I really am working on that all weekend! I have taken a long enough break. I will start with today and then work my way backwards. I feel like this break has been weird. I am so tired all of the time. The last two hospital stays totally kicked my butt and I am trying so hard to recuperate. I got up at 5:25 this morning to go walking with a friend at 5:45. It was a beautiful day. I really did not know how amazing the day is that early. Especially after the nights rain. Things were calm and normal for these moments. I got home, cleaned up the kitchen and then did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for the rest of the day. Wonderful Jen of Fauset Photography willingly took pictures for Spencer's baptism announcement. We first went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple and then to the Daybreak beach. She was so fabulous and even snapped some pictures of the other kiddos. She truly is amazing. It was a nice day just hanging out with my babies. Afterwards we enjoyed some lime and cherry rickeys from Artic Circle, SYTYCD, and lego Ben 10. I then took some pictures of my sleeping beauties because it was a perfect ending to a slack off, but normal day.

"Loved"

Nate's boyfriend (as I like to call him) came by an kidnapped him for a much needed boys night this evening. I knew in advance that this was going to happen and I was excited that he could have some time to himself. The kids and I got into bed early (I should be asleep by now) and I let Spence come into my bed. The window and the blind were open letting in the setting sun and the fresh spring air. Spence grabbed my hand and we just lay there talking. Talking about fun things, about life. I asked him if he really knew what cancer was before all of this. I said to him "even though life is crappy right now, we are lucky to have received so many blessings." He nodded his head and then said "Loved. We are loved, I don't know if lucky is the right word for all of this." I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I got to sit here with my boy tonight in the perfect ambiance. I am lucky that he is mine. We indeed are so loved. "This too shall pass" my boy and we will still be loved.