A State of Consciousness

Last night was not easy. At about one in the morning Spencer was crying because he had thrown up all over. All over the floor, his bed, himself. We had to strip his bed and change his clothes and have one of the housekeepers come and clean it all up. That took about an hour. I held him on my lap and stroked his hair, his hair that will not be there for very much longer. If you know Spencer you know, that since he was born his "signature" is his hair. That boy has some wild and crazy hair. When I get home I will post pics of his cool hair throughout the years. Anyway, as I am holding him he says "I wish I was in my bed asleep and that I never threw up." Followed by a whisper "I wish i didn't have rhabdomyosarcoma". I just held him tighter and closer to me and told him "Oh honey, you have no idea how much I wish you didn't either." I was informed this morning that he has Stage 3 Group 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma. Once again, do not look it up online. Each case is so different and the online descriptions of stages and groups differ so much from cancer to cancer and from person to person. Stage 3 in his case means it has disrupted the Central Nervous System. The nurse practioner, Dayna, who told me this, said she would give me literature on it and describe more in detail what puts him into group 3, later today. For a moment I panicked, but my state of instability became more dense. I feel the peace and hope that my son will be filled with healing and comfort.