Last night was a hard night. There was a lot of sobbing and I had to determine if it was from my sweet boy or from my heart. "Mom, I want this tumor to shrink more than anything in the world" came the gasps from my weeping son. "I know honey, I promise you that is what I want more than anything too." Finally at 2:30 this morning it was calm. I am alone with Spencer today at the hospital. We are waiting to see the ENT in regards to his drooping face. I talked with him on the phone this morning and he said that the original MRI showed that the tumor was also pressing against his facial nerves and that he is not surprised with this outcome. I am anxious to kill this thing. I miss Nate. I have been tough so far but without him I am bearing all of the emotions we have kept balanced between us. He will join us today before we start chemo but he has to work until then. After the ENT we will get a bone scan and an Echo of his heart, both prerequisites before starting chemo later today. One of my oldest, dearest friends, Keri, who, herself has experienced major heartache in her life as well, reminded me of a song that has always come to the front of my mind during hard times. For those of you who do not share the same faith, or who are not familiar with the song, I urge you to appreciate the power of the lyrics. The music for the song is #11 on our blog playlist. It is a beautiful rendition.
Be Still, My Soul
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
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You are one of the strongest women I know Holly, and a great mom! Keep up the good work and know that you guys are loved by so many people.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite scriptures that has become somewhat of a mantra in my life is Joshua 1:9;
Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest!
It warms my heart to read it, even in the darkest of hours.
I love you guys!
becky
Holly..my heart is aching with you and our prayers are reaching out to you. I can't wait for our little surprise for Spencer this weekend. Holly...you know so many that are praying for Spencer. Now you need to know that there are now literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people you DON'T know that are also praying for little Spencer. I am so overwhelmed by the support I have seen in this little project. You know also that my heart has been aching for other reasons and little did I know, but this project would lift my heart and start some serious healing for me as well. These expressions of love for your sweet little one will stir your soul and comfort your aching heart when you see.... I love you so much!
ReplyDeleteanother tear jerker! holly, your posts are beautiful! thank you for your amazing example of strength, faith and family!
ReplyDeletexo
I second Joshua 1:9. That was a big help for me when Livs was in the NICU and they had no idea what to do for her...
ReplyDeleteSo many people are praying for Spencer and your family and we are ALL praying for that ol' tumor to shrink, shrink, shrink.
I think of your family often and send my love and prayers multiple times daily---- ~P
ReplyDeleteHi Holly,
ReplyDeletenot sure if you know me. I am Dan and Dave Nishs little sister. My husband Matt and Nate were in the same ward in high school. We love you guys and are praying so hard for your little family. I promise we will pray for you every night that the savior will wrap his arms around you and give you strength and power beyond your own and that your sweet spencer will be well again. Give our love to Nate. There are so many people rooting for you.
Crying with you again...
ReplyDeleteLOVE that hymn. And I too hold Joshua 1:9 close to my heart like the other gal mentioned.
Still praying for you. Much love to you and your family.
Add more to the "praying for you" list!! Let us know how we can help!!
ReplyDeleteI finally had a chance to listen to the Be Still My Soul song on your play list. Interestingly I discovered that I know the artist who wrote this version. I went to college with him. I'm so glad that you have been able to find some comfort in this song and this version of it. May you continue to feel that peace.
ReplyDelete