A Moment of Panic

It was midnight on May 28, 2002 when my water broke. I got up to go to the bathroom and I just stood there staring at myself in the mirror thinking "I am going to be a mom." It was like time stopped for me in my little bubble but Nate was a whirlwind around me, bags in both hands a big smile on his face, "are you ready?" he said with more excitement then I have ever heard from him. I was still standing there staring. Finally when I had caught up with reality, i took a quick shower and we were off to the hospital. NINETEEN hours later my 8lb 7oz baby boy was born. It is a surreal moment to hold your baby for the first time, especially the one who makes you a mother. In those first few days and weeks of sleepless nights and adjustments to parenthood you have a lot of time to reflect on who these beautiful gifts from God are going to be. Throughout these 7, almost 8 years of his life, Spencer, has determined who is going to be. Since he was about2.5 he has wanted to be "a chef and a daddy". He has refined his goals in the last year to a brain surgeon (so that he has enough money to open up his own restaurant where he is the chef,) and still a daddy. My little boy has such an amazing feel for who he is and who he wants to be. He has always had a connection to Heavenly Father, like no other little boy I have seen before. Yesterday he and Belle were watching cartoons and he tells me that we need to change the show because it is "not appropriate". I have been blessed with prayers and thoughts by everyone and have had the strength to get through most days, but last night for just a few minutes i had a moment of panic. In that moment the thoughts of his future of medical school training, culinary arts training, his missionary farewell and homecoming, his wedding, his first child, caved in. For a moment those thoughts became very foggy and I gasped for breath, and cried my eyes out while pleading to the Lord and watching my baby sleep and dreading the moment we get biopsy results back. I am only human. I have much faith, but I am still a mother who has so many dreams for her son. Luckily this moment was only that. My sweet husband consoled me and brought me back to my faith. I love him. I love my babies.