Monday, June 13, 2011
Convincing
I am having some weird emotions as I am trying to collect myself to blog again. SO MANY PICTURES! I need to journal this part of our lives, especially the happy parts, even if it just means posting pictures but my mind just screams "CANCER" when I come to this place. These are things that I do not want to push from my mind. These experiences made us strong, full of faith, humble. I cannot fear coming to this blog. Although cancer may creep into our lives again someday, I need to be thankful for these, the happy, healthy times. I need those who seek support to see the normalcy and happiness of life. I need to provide hope to those who come here to seek it. With these words of mine I try to convince myself of them. There are so many unimportant things in our lives. I have come to love and appreciate my family even more than before. I have so much love and gratitude in my life. Don't sweat the small stuff. I have an amazing husband. Our relationship is different. Renewed and bound tight. I am thankful for all of these things. It may be hard for me to journal as much as I have because of the emotions that I am trying to push aside but I am working on posting pictures. I am so thankful to you all for listening to me and feeling our pain throughout this journey. Spencer has his first post treatment scan in July. I am not feeling nervous but we always appreciate your prayers. We have all seen what your prayers have done for our family!
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Don't worry about the weird emotions--they are part of the process. We are a "cancer survivor" family and after the treatments were finished, I didn't want to think about it, talk about it or even look at the pictures for some time. I truly felt that looking back would "jinx" the good outcome--it was so fresh and new and delicate. But, time heals--all of us--not just the patient. Slowly, you'll gather your courage and take a small peek at the past. You'll realize its okay and the next peek will be a little easier. And, so it goes.
ReplyDeleteIt has been five years since my son's diagnosis. I decided to write a paper for one of my classes that required me to relive those trying times over and over and over. I was sure that as soon as I finished that journey, I would get a call telling me my son's cancer was back. Guess what, it didn't happen and all of the tears and fears made a little stronger. Take your time--this is your journey and no one else's. Set your own pace and be very kind and gentle with yourself. Each day will get easier. I promise.