Contradictions

I am about to contradict all of your comments to me about staying positive and strong. Well maybe I am still strong but I am now going to focus that energy on being negative and aggressive. I am angry. I am sick of this stupid cancer. I am sick of having to watch my baby suffer EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am sick of the thought that we could be here for another week or maybe even two, just to prepare to come back to get more chemo that could have the same effects on his fragile little body. I am sick of the fact that we do not know what is wrong with him. I am sick of the "oh he could have this, or maybe this or maybe this" and then getting results that say it is not one single one of those things. How can we save his little life? How can we get him better? How come nobody can figure it out? Why? Why do I have to spend so much time away from my kids? I loathe all of this. I am angry. What kind of refiners fire do I have to go through? I don't know if I can take any more of this heartache. It just makes me mad. And then it makes me mad to be feeling angry. This is not me. I want my family back. I want my healthy son back. I do not know how much more of this Everest I can climb.
Rant over. Now I will just give you the facts. Last night was ANOTHER rough night. Abdomen xrays show that Typhlitis is not the case. There are no signs of it. Chest xray shows "possible" pneumonia. He is on oxygen with a bubbler, which provides moisture so that his poor little nose does not dry out. His temp continues to fluctuate between mid grade to high grade. Diarrhea all over the bed in his sleep three times last night. This entails, stripping his poor, frail, shivering body down, scrubbing him down as he stands there exposed. How embarrassing for him. How exposed he must feel. C-diff testing which takes 24 hours, and toxin testing which could take 48 hours. Barfing all night. Mucousy, black vomit in larger than normal amounts. Rapid breathing. Normal respirations are between 18-20 a minute, his are 45 a minute. His pH are higher than safe. His CO2 levels low. He has become basic because he is breathing so fast. CO2 is acidic and since he is breathing out so much he is losing acidity causing his body to become basic. Still waiting for docs to decide what to do about that. I DO NOT want to go back down to PICU. If it means making him better or saving his life then of course it is the only option, but we feel protected down here with our "family". It is so exposed and open and germy down there for him. Blood pressures, heart rate and oxygen levels were all stable last night. Potassium is low so he is receiving more. Blood transfusion last night helped with his overall stability. I am now feeling nauseated. This is almost more than I can handle. Obviously the Lord feels like I can. Sometimes I wish we could rescind. "We decided that we don't like this trial so we are checking out, is there something better we can try to endure?" I don't think Heaven works that way. I am begging for your sincere fasting and prayers. I NEED him to get better. Please plead with us for a diagnosis of some sort so that we can get him better. I haven't seen my husband in over a week and it looks like it will be another week atleast. We NEED to be together. We NEED Spence better.