Bare Fisted

I don't cry over cancer very much anymore. I don't know if it because Spencer is looking good and getting better, or because I have cried so many agonizing tears. Tonight we are watching Stand up to Cancer. I was not planning on watching it. I think I try to still put up these barriers, ignoring the big "C" word. I know the bad and the ugly of all of it I have lived it, we ARE living it, but putting a label on it makes me sick to my stomach. Cancer is a daily word for us but when other people use it for us I get tense. When I see pictures of others, especially those babies, I cannot hold the emotion in anymore. I feel the pain of the parents. Especially those who have lost their little ones. I think when people talk openly about cancer and those they have lost, I feel like I am standing face to face with it, bare fisted. I cannot let it have control of me. I think the hardest thing about it all is that it does not go away. Spencer may beat it now but doesn't mean he won't get it again. It's not like chicken pox. Isabelle may get it. Gavin, Nate, myself. We can't hide from it. It is so terrifying. We cannot be afraid everyday though. So tonight I shed a few tears, I thank God for my son and his progressing health, and I fight bare fisted next to my son as he beats the crap out of this monster.