Tonight I feel vulnerable. I have not let my guard down like this in quite some time and I do not like feeling this way. Nate talked to one of our doctors today. She said the same thing she did last time. She did not think there was a lot of improvement in the tumor overall since radiation but she said that there are good signs or improvement in his face and in other parts of his body. This got me down. I do not know if it was just the anxiety of not being able to hear her myself, and sense her overall body language, or if it was Nate's anxiety not quite picking up all of the optimism, but it makes me feel vulnerable and I really do not like feeling this way. I started to have those thoughts again, the thoughts of losing my son, of a life without him. I was sitting on the couch with Belle and Gavs thinking, "is this it?" Is this how it is going to be? My two children. I think, could I have any more children? It is not like I could ever replace my first born child, and would I up my risk of repeating this horrible illness to my family by bringing another baby into this world? I do not like to be a downer but this is me, raw and this is what I am bringing right now. On a more positive note this is the awesome email I got from Gina, our wonderful friend in California who heads up Team Spencer L.A. and who is in charge of all of the shirt orders. Let me tell you, this woman is going to be getting some big old blessings in the next life. This is what the email said and the pictures to go along with it:
Thanks to Farmers Insurance and one awesome super hero 62 envelopes and 13 boxes went out to 25 different states today to 85 different locations!!! All in the name of Superspence!!!! How awesome!!
We also want to thank Farmer's Insurance (Nate's employer) for all of the support given to us by the staff nationwide. We are overwhelmed by the all of the t-shirt orders and the donations that still keep coming to us. You are all such wonderful people with fabulous hearts and we appreciate all of the love and support we continue to receive from you. Nate is lucky to be employed by such a great company and surrounded by good people.
That is wonderful for them to help so much..Nice to hear when somebody is doing so much good...May God Bless you and wrap his arms around you all at this Time
ReplyDeleteSometimes when I read your posts it is as if I have written it. Written down those feelings that I have but wish somehow I could wake up and say it was just a bad dream. You are always impressing me. I love how open you are. Your kids are blessed to have you as thier mother.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to drop you a line and let you know that i am thinking about you! I know i haven't seen you in forever, but its nice to see that you are so strong!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Holly ! This post hit sooo close to home for me. I have felt so much of these feelings ! It is incrediably hard to have the desires of your heart be completely out of your control. To rely completely on the Lord to help you achieve your hearts greatest desires can make for such a tough waiting game. There are so many times that I have thought if I only had a crystal ball to comfort me in times of strife ! You are an AWESOME mother. Although I have not seen you in YEARS I can sense the Love and dedication you have for your family. I love your honesty. I think being vulnerable is the hardest state to be in and it is in those times that we can truly see who we are and who we want to become. Big HUGS ! Hang in there sweet mama !:0)
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it feels like to be in your situation, but I want to say that you are a source of great power when I read your posts. You are stronger than you realize and I thank you for sharing a small glimpse into your lives with us.
ReplyDeleteWe proudly wear our Spence wrist bands! Your friend that heads that up is amazing!
We are always thinking and praying for you guys! Spence, you and your family are truly Super Heros in our eyes!
My dear Holly, I umderstand yout post so much on s many levels. I just want to ket you know that even if the unthinkable does happen Spence will ALWAYS be there when you need him. The wonderful thing about the
ReplyDeleteGospel is that we know how an eternal fanly works. I know it's hard to think about the worst that can happen, but I GUARANTEE, ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE, that our loved ones are NEVER "lost" to s. James is always there with an arm around me when I need it. I pray daily that this will not happen to your family. I love you, kiddo!!!