Back In The Saddle

I am sincerely trying to begin my regular blogging again. There are too many things to be thankful for to not blog everyday. Today marks three full weeks in boot camp, with one missed day. This week has been a struggle for me. Besides my horrendous shin splints and sore muscles, I have been lacking the spirit and enthusiasm that has been pushing me through the past couple of weeks. I decided to step back and analyze the reason behind this. Fatigue? Lack of calories? Not enough protein or vitamins? I have been so disciplined and getting myself into bed by nine every night. My calories are definitely lower than normal, but I have upped my protein and have been taking my vitamins daily like a good girl. And then, as I was doing my Frankenstein stretches this morning, I realized, it is chemo week. Something inside of me, deep below the smiles and hope, wears on me, eats at me, makes me bite my finger nails. All week I have been tossing and turning, not sleeping. It's chemo week. We have had many chemo weeks. Some worse than others but I think I still get sad. I do not think it is a sadness that has to do with doom, or with a feeling of unfairness, just plain sadness. It makes me sad for my baby boy to have to do this so often. A sadness of the necessity of poison running through his veins. A sadness of telling him he cannot enjoy the weekend the way he wants to because his numbers are too low. So many things to make me sad. We will get through this big chemo week. We will get through this year. Luckily the disappointment in our lives gives us a different perspective on true happiness, on true love, on true hope. It gives us the opportunity to realize the enjoyment of the company of our families and our friends who love us so much. Chemo week, you may have worn me down just a little, but life is too happy, and filled with too many blessings, and we will conquer you...until the next time.