Heightened

Today I am having another one of those "dang I forgot we have cancer days". Fortunately, Spencer has been feeling normal and acting normal, and so sometimes we forget I think. And it's kind of a bummer when I remember. I just keep trying to think of the future, to healthy times, to hair and eyelashes and eyebrows, to no feeding tubes. Eventually.Soon. Someday. We are lucky to have eachother though. We are lucky to have a faith, a hope, a deep love for one another. I have no doubt that you all feel the same way about your children but when a life threatening situation comes upon your family things change. Feelings are taken to a new level. I do not only feel these new heightened emotions for Spencer but for the whole lot of them. Isabelle is experiencing things, along with emotions that she has never had to deal with, Gavin is just trucking along being so loving and patient while we have to leave him for days at a time. Nate is having to deal with some emotions (sorry I keep repeating this word) that he has never had to face before. This is a trial for all of us in some way or another and I am so pleased at my family. I am so pleased at the love and the endurance each one of them has. We have had our moments of breakdown and division but when we take a deep breath and stand face to face with our challenges we are strong in unity. This is but a little time.

Grandpa

DISCLAIMER* THIS POST IS VERY PERSONAL, SPIRITUAL AND RELIGIOUS. IF ANY OF THESE THINGS MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE DO NOT READ

My grandpa was my very best friend on this earth. He was happy, and kind and he gave the very best hugs and kisses. He protected me and loved me and I did not have a better person in my life. When he was diagnosed with malignant melanoma about five years ago, his health changed drastically. He was quickly deteriorating, and began to not even know who I was, and who the people around him who loved him were. His melanoma had metastasized to his brain. This diagnosis was made the same week as Christmas and he passed away that January 11th. It did not take long. The whole family came that Christmas and we all got to spend one last holiday with him. I feel lucky to have been able to spend some of his last moments with him. He had been under hospice home care in a coma the last few days of his life. I was able to sit with him one night while he was in between worlds. He was not to aware of this life but was conversing with family who had already passed. As I left him, the last night I would see him alive, I hugged him. Although seemingly unaware of this world his hand tightened on my back and he whispered ever so quietly that he loved me. I am so blessed to have had this experience. After his passing, many family members have had visits by him, dreams, and so forth. I had always been disappointed that I never even had a dream. My cousin who passed away from a brain tumor had many visits by him. He knew it was his time to go. I have to say that through this experience with Spencer I have been relieved to not have had any visits! Last night was the first dream. In the dream I was at a friends house. She had a long, huge basement. I walked down with Gavin in my arms and saw both my grandma, who is still living, and my grandpa sitting at a card table playing Go Fish. I walked passed them thinking this was a normal picture until I realized it was really Grandpa. As I was running to him he said "be careful, I go through things" like a ghost would. He was showing me that he really was not alive. I approached him anyway and gave him a hug. As I touched him he became a physical person. I could feel his warmth and his strength. It was a long time missed, good old grandpa hug. A hug that I have needed and longed for over the past six months. I looked at him and said "but grandpa, I thought that you would go right through me?" and he replied "it was a blessing and a promise I was given when I was a Stake President, that if I upheld my position righteously, I would have the opportunity to do this". The next second I was awake. It was about 3:50 a.m. I was so happy for the first few moments and then a little freaked out. Why was he visiting me? Spencer's health is improving, what does this mean, his visit? I then just had a feeling that I had visited him. He was peacefully playing his card game with my grandma and I approached him. I needed this hug. I needed to see him and feel him again. I am overcome with emotion and thankful for this experience. I am thankful for the experiences with Spencer to bring me closer to my Heavenly Father and to be able to feel the powers of heaven open up onto our family. I love you grandpa. I miss you so much.

All In the Family

I am always trying to catch up. Always. So many blogs, so many pictures, not enough energy. I am trying though! Three weeks ago, our last 5 day clinic/home chemo, my cousin Becky and her husband Roger met us at the hospital after our treatment. Becky, one of my closest cousins, is battling cancer herself. Her brother passed away a few years ago from a brain tumor, shortly after my grandpa had died of the same thing. My uncle is in remission from a nasty incurable blood cancer and our poor family is just so done with cancer. ANYWAY! Becky was at Huntsman right next door to PCMC getting a chemo treatment so they stopped by right as we were leaving. It was so great to see them and to catch up for a minute. Of course they came bearing gifts! Roger and Spence have always had this Star Wars connection, a bond, if you will. It started when Spence was just a little guy. Roger was so excited to present him with this awesome Clone helmet, which he loves! Isabelle got these awesome 3D butterfly bubbles. It is so sad to have this little bond between them, but Spencer feels close to Beck, and I am just heartbroken for the both of them. Roger is so great and so supportive, taking care of Becky and their little girl Aida. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Beck still has her hair, barely, but is beautiful either way! We love you guys! I love the picture of the sickos with their masks on!

Skip A Beat

I know I posted a picture like this at the end of June but these "before/after" pictures make my heart skip a beat, for a couple of different reasons. First of all, it makes me happier than words can describe, to see these awesome improvements in my baby's face. Second, I just rewind to the beginning and think about the anxiety. I think to myself, what if we didn't catch it in time. The before pictures show me how bad it really was. When you are living in the moment and trying to survive sometimes you don't realize the potential danger you were working with. How happy I am to have so many people praying for us and how wonderful that the Lord answers prayers! Does he not look so good right now! I love it!

My New Favorite Quote

This goes out to everyone I know and love:

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones
and when you have laboriously accomplished your task GO TO SLEEP IN PEACE.

GOD IS AWAKE."
~ Victor Hugo~

I don't even know how to respond to this quote. With no resistance the the tears know the strength of these words. God is awake. He is aware of you. He will give you peace. He gives me peace. I will have courage, I will have patience, and I will laboriously accomplish the tasks given to me.

SIX MONTHS!

Yesterday marked six months since diagnosis. I informed Spencer of this landmark and he nonchalantly looked up from his computer game and said, with eyebrows raised, "really? It doesn't seem like that long." What an awesome kid. This has by far been THE LONGEST six months of my life and he was amazed at how fast it has gone by. Maybe all of the drugs he has been on have helped him get through a little better and a little faster! So be it. Six months ago today I was on the phone with doctors, hospital registration, surgery registration, preparing for his biopsy the following day. Six months ago tomorrow we started this blog and we are now so thankful to all of you who so supportively follow us and have acted in service to us. Six months. Half of a year. We are ALMOST at our half way point. We have had a few set backs pushing our treatment time back, but we are just so thankful for his progressing health. We are in week 22 of 54 of treatment. We have four more weeks of clinic chemo, then eight weeks of inpatient chemo every other week, followed by eight more weeks of a new inpatient chemo every two weeks, and then it is clinic chemoes from there on out. I am hopeful in a more successful school year, with a lot more attendance. I am really hoping to keep up on homework and projects and would love for him to be able to do the science fair. I don't want to miss out on anything. Before I know it he will be going to junior high! This has been a hell of a year and we definitely started this new decade off on a crazy foot but nothing will knock us down and we are prepared to begin this next year with strength and optimism. I cannot wait to blog six months from now, approaching our last chemoes! On an ending note I realized I never blogged the latest updates on his progression! We made such a big deal about it on Facebook and I neglected you, so sorry! The bone scan results showed no more lesions on his skull, meaning that the tumor has rescinded from the base of his skull, it is continuing to shrink in size and our oncologist was more than happy to give us this news! Prayers are being answered!

Goodness

I am looking at the banner on my blog and thinking "who is this little boy?" I don't even recognize him. I am hoping to change the pictures soon because he has grown up so much and these pictures have no resemblance to my strong, bald, fighter. Today I am thankful for the goodness in people. I do not watch the news any longer, I live in a nice community and we are blessed with so much service in our lives. We have been able to soak up the goodness in people, in friends, in family, and in complete strangers. It is nice for once to mostly see good. At church on Sunday a friend of mine spoke in front of everyone and said how thankful she is for her trials at this moment to help her become perfected and strong. She mentioned how her calling in our church (she is the president over all of the children) is strengthening her. All that I could think about was how amazing she is, to call this a trial, when more than half of the people in the congregation have no idea that a few years ago her four year old daughter, her only child at the time, also had cancer, and as her chemo was ending she found out she was pregnant with twins. This friend of mine is the epitome of strength, of faith, and of calmness. She and her family have served our family incredibly in the last 6 months and I am thankful for her.
This weekend was full of fun. We were able to do so many great things as a family. It felt good to have fun with everyone! We are trying to enjoy every moment as the summer wraps up and school begins, and big chemoes begin again. Isabelle will be starting kindergarten. Because she has a Fall birthday I have been able to keep her home an extra year, and though she is such a drama queen, I will miss having her here with me. She is a wonderful helper. It makes me sad to think she is now a school girl, no more days with me. It is a weird thing to have your children grow up. There are many days where I cannot wait to get them out of here but many days were I would love time to SLOW DOWN! Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I am so thankful to have such fun, beautiful children.