The Journey of a Superhero

Christmas Project Year #2

2011-11-13T12:04:00.002-08:00

Okay people, my computer has been struggling and I have not been able to post pictures. I am trying to get the kinks worked out. I really want you all to share the wonderful moments we had as a family wrapping this Cancer story all up, at Disneyworld. This post, however, is not about me or my family. It is now the season for another service project and I have the perfect one this year. We have been so blessed throughout our trial and it is now time to PAY IT FORWARD. We have talked before about our dear sweet Lizzie Lu. She has been so sick, had long hospital stays, test after test, trying to find out what is wrong with her frail little body. To check out her story go to WWW.GRATEFULME-ALLY.BLOGSPOT.COM . Elizabeth Noel is one of the most beautiful, witty, fashionista-istic, people I know. She has a smile that can light up a room. She is an identical twin and has been pretty sick since she was born. Her sister Katie is no less wonderful than she is. She is an amazing, beautiful, scientist. She misses the time away from her sister during hospital stays and she is so loyal and takes great care of their spunky, hockey loving brother Jacks. SO...with incredibly high medical bills, and little sleep things can be stressful. Our family knows this quite well. We would love for the Noel family to be able to enjoy their Christmas. I would love to get some monetary donations along with some other fun items. Liz loves France, and fashion, she loves zebra print, and accessories. Katie loves peace signs, and science. Jacksy loves hockey and baseball, and cars. The family loves Disneyland. Ally, their mom, is like Supermom. She gives to so many people. Donates her time and her love to children in the hospital and needs some pampering. She loves accessories and feeling beautiful. It is hard for me to watch other moms going through what I did. It is so hard to give all of yourself to everyone and watch your child suffer for so long. This family deserves some love and some true Christmas spirit and love. Please go to the Paypal button for the Elizabeth Noel Fund on the sidebar and donate what you can. If you would like to send gifts, cards, treats, etc contact me at GOOCHYMOMMA@GMAIL.COM for address. I appreciate all of your love and support.

Preface to Orlando

2011-11-01T20:02:00.001-07:00

HELLO!

weird to see me blogging isn't it!?! I am trying to get all of our pictures of Orlando together and my laptop is just too slow so i will have to do it on our home computer. I will post our first and second day of Orlando tomorrow. We had such a fabulous time. We were well taken care of and had such a great time with our whole Gooch family. Life is crazy for us right now (what's new!). We are hoping to be moving soon, we may have some career changes, and i start nursing school in January! And this is all on top of the holidays fast approaching. Spencer recently had his six month scans.

There were no spots anywhere! Scar tissue is even to small to pick up on CT. I am trying to embrace winter this year and today was the first test! I enjoyed watching the snow as i stayed warm and comfortable in my home. The end of the year is always a little scary because benefits are done for the year. Although we do not have the same expenses as we have the last two years we will still continue to have pricey scans and tests done, including physical therapy for the next 4 years! Yikes!

See you tomorrow!

Golf Tournament Benefit

2011-09-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot emphasize enough how wonderful our friends are. I have been blessed with many many quality friends. Nate too, has the same quality in his friends. One of his mission companions (from way back in the day, lol) lives in Idaho and has put a lot of work into organizing this fundraiser for our family. It is going to be in Eagle, Idaho right next to Boise and Meridian. If you live nearby or are heading up that way or would like to be a part of it we would love to see you there. Here is the info:

SUPER SPENCE CHARITY GOLF TOURNAMENT

Eagle Hills Golf Course
605 North Edgewood Lane
Eagle, Idaho 83616
SEPTEMBER 30, 2011 @ 2:00 P.M.

Shotgun start - 4 man best ball
$65 per person or $260 per team Includes 18 holes of golf, a cart and food provided after the tournament!
Mulligan tickets $5 each at registration - will double as raffle tickets. (Raffle will be at the conclusion of the tournament)
Prizes - Closest to the Pin and Longest Drive for both men and women

PAY VIA PAYPAL THROUGH THIS BLOG
OR CONTACT JARED JACOBS
jaredjacobs@live.com

Healing

2011-09-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt wonderfully grateful yet feel bits of sadness lingering near your soul? Last week a woman contacted me via email. She is the aunt of a beautiful 8 year old girl who was just recently diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma. She has tumors in her groin, under her knee, and on her foot. It seems to have metastasized to her lungs. This aunt has been asking me some questions about it all. It seems that the doctors have been vague in their explanations. They do not live in Utah and are not going to PCMC. I have grown an attachment to this sweet little girl that I have never seen or met. My heart has so much sorry for her mother, who is a cancer survivor herself, colon cancer, nonetheless. How terrifying to watch you child bare the pains that you know so well yourself. That to me is pure hell. Talking with this family I feel so grateful. So grateful for our experiences. So grateful for our miracles. So grateful for our hospital. So grateful to all of you and for all of the prayers we have received. This is the first time since our clean bill of health that I have been really able to stand face to face with our experience, without anguish and anxiety. Today is a beautiful overcast, rainy day. The kind of day that brings tranquility to my existence. I have a lot of happiness in my life. I am a changed woman. I will never be who I was before this and I am thankful for our trials and this journey. I feel that it is now my calling in life to be a nurse and to work again with these beautiful children and families. I have so much to offer them. Next to the soon gained skills, I have the compassion, the love and the optimism that these children and families need. It warms my heart to think that I can touch the lives of others in their fight, through life and through death. I love my life.

I Have Returned

2011-09-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

I took a much needed emotional break from this blog but it is calling me back again. There are still so many things during this journey that I have not posted and I would love to share all of the great things in our lives currently. We have been searching for a home and have a couples of offers in and are hoping to be moving by the beginning of next year. I also got an email from SLCC saying that I had been chosen to start the nursing program Spring semester 2012 which starts Jan. 9th! I have played this event in my mind over and over. I have gone back and forth in the decision that would be best for me and my family. After Spencer was diagnosed and things got so emotional and I felt so guilty for neglecting Belle and Gavin I thought that there was no going back. How could I leave my kids again for 2 full years to go back to school? Well here I was faced with this major decision. It was now or never. I felt distressed all day. I prayed about it. I talked with Nate. I talked with friends who are nurses. I decided that evening that I was going to go back. The moment I made this decision I was at peace. I knew that this was the best thing for my family. Spence was not super thrilled at first but I told him that I was interested in working in pediatric oncology. That made him excited. So here we are in September. We leave for Disneyworld in about 3 weeks. If things go as planned with the home we want we will be moving shortly after we get back from our trip, the holiday will then be upon us and the start of school. Craziness in the Gooch home. I mentioned to a friend that the next 2 years will be crazy for us and she responded with "because the last 2 weren't enough for you". Well played Kerilyn. Well played. I have been packing up the things that we don't absolutely need now. I was going through a box and I found a letter from Nate one day short of 4 months that we had been dating. It made my day. I love my husband. I am so thankful that I get to spend eternity with some one like him. I thought I would share the letter with you. I am so lucky to have a sweet hunk-a-hunk of burning love! Click on the pictures to read the letter.

Samantha's Fundraiser

2011-08-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have not posted for quite some time. I have had a lot of thoughts but I have been so busy. I thought that this would be a good post for my first post back in a while. This is for a girl in our community. I would encourage all who can make it to please do. I find it interesting that a lot of these kids are 7 years old.

Other Life

2011-07-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I decided I was strong enough to read some of my older posts. I don't know why I have let myself push these memories down, down down. I don't know why my soul aches. I don't know why other moms have to go through this. I don't know why. It seems like another life time ago but the wounds are still a little raw. Healing scabs being pulled off, creating scars. Scars are meant to help us remember. Why don't I want to remember. Why is this part as painful as the injury? Things, life, seems so normal now but moments of anxiety ache in my heart. Don't forget who you are and where you came from. Do not forget the obstacles and the road blocks, they are meant to create a stronger person of who you once were. I had memories tonight of spending what seemed like endless nights in a hospital room. Cold, lonely, and scared. I am thankful for warmth and faith and love. Did we really live this other life? This other life filled with pain and agony, growth and strength? Did we really live out of suitcases and hospital cafeterias for over a year? Did I really have to leave my children to save the life of the other? Are these real things that happened to us? I desperately pray that I never have to live this other life again. My heart cries for the mothers who are living it now. Miracles happen. Death happens. Love happens. Faith happens. Life happens. God lives. He holds our hand, He carries us through the storm and through the calm. Never forget these things.

Family Vacation Day: Seven

2011-07-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

We started the day off going to an Angels game in the EXTREME HEAT! It was so hot and humid. The usher told us to go into some empty shaded seats because ours were in the sun and it was "too damn hot" he said. He was like an 80 year old man and it was funny to hear him say that. I usually love a good baseball game but it was just so hot. We only ended up staying until the 8th inning but we had a fun time eating sunflower seeds and watching the game. It was a good thing we left early because we made it just in time to Valencia right when we were expected and we didn't want to be late for TEAM SPENCER L.A.

First off I need to try to explain how incredibly wonderful the Stevens family is. Gina is the one who distributed the Super Spence shirts and bracelets and had them designed. She spent a whole bunch of her own time doing this for our family. I knew Gina many years ago when she was a young single mom going to school. She had one daughter , Mckayla, who I used to babysit and I have many fun memories of these girls. I had not been in contact with Gina until maybe three months before Spencer had been diagnosed. I was so happy that she had found me on Facebook, and little did I know that she would continue to be such a huge part of my life and my family's lives. She lent a listening ear and an open heart throughout this trial and I can truly say that I love this woman and her family. She organized "TEAM SPENCER L.A." who sent us several huge care packages and walked relays in our name. Gina is one of my angels. She has touched our family more deeply than she will ever know. It was so great to be reunited with her and to have Nate and the kids meet her and the family for the first time. We had a bbq, the kids swam in the pool all day and night, and we had great conversation with several other Team Spencer L.A. supporters! It was a wonderful night and we are so excited to be able to see them again!

We pulled up to the house to have these awesome banners on the garage. The love never ends!
Swimming.

This is just such an awesome bunch of people. Strangers who supported and loved us.

The most awesome Stevens family!

Family Vacation Day: Six. Montage Beach

2011-07-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

Almost paradise. Have you ever been to an absolutely perfect place that exudes only beauty and happiness? Montage in Laguna is that place for me. For any of you who thinks that California is overrated (and don't live in Hawaii or another tropical place) I will have to say you are totally wrong. This is happiness for me. The best part of this day for me was spending it with my two best friends and their families. I hope you are all lucky enough to have friends that you can share moments like these with. I love the kids like my own and I love these girls more than I can even explain. This day was the perfect day for me. I will warn you there are many pictures to follow but they are beautiful.

Family Vacation Day: Four. The Noels

2011-07-07T23:16:00.001-07:00

There is so much to say about the Noel family but at the same time there are no words. Ally and I became long distance friends with so many connections while Spencer was going through treatments. Her daughter Lizzy has a lot of health issues that are trying to be figured out. Though she has struggled over the years it seems like immediately after Spence was given a clear bill of health Lizzy's health declined. It has been our turn to take care of their family after all the love and care we received from them. This visit has been much anticipated especially for the kids who have never met in person. They all have this special little bond and we had been soooo looking forward to seeing them. The original plan was to spend all of Sunday with them but as we know, life gives you lemons. Liz got really sick and was admitted to the hospital. Oh how well we understand these moments and disappointments. We didn't get the quality time we would have loved to spend with the Noels but we got to hug, squeeze and love the Noels. We are sooooo bummed that we did not get a visit with Jackson but cannot wait to see him soon! We love you soooooooo much and we are thankful for any bits of time we get to spend with you. Please keep Liz in your prayers as the doctors search for a diagnosis. It was really hard to leave Ally. I was really hard to leave the girls, but we will see them all soon! I try not to get emotional and keep a positive outlook and look forward to the near future!

I don't even remember what day this was but the kids conked out! And yes Spencer is sleeping with one eye open! His eye muscles are still not fully healed.

He is just so goofy.
We headed to Long Beach and walked down 2nd street in Belmont Shore to shop and eat lunch. We found this fun "old fashioned" like candy store. They had the weirdest flavors of things.

Isabelle was in awe over this HUMONGOUS Blow Pop.
Really?

They had cool drinks too.
Out of all of the cool places to eat there the kids chose JACK IN THE BOX. Seriously guys! They all sat there playing their new game on the iPod.
And Gavs was out.
We then headed to an awesome bakery down the street called Sweet Jill's. We got a couple of cinnamon crisps, a couple of delicious macaroons, a butterfly cookie for Lizzy and Katie, and a big snickers brownie for Ally. Belle chose to have 2 gumballs from the 25 cent gumball machine.
Weirdo.

Our last stop before we made it to the hospital to see the Noel family was the Queen Mary. WE just quickly walked around the outside and took pictures. The kids loved it. Gavin kept saying "I want boat."

AND FINALLY...The Noel family.

I love these pictures of the kids. They are so strong and brave and full of hope.

I made the girls headbands and necklaces. Lizzy loves butterflies and Katie loves peace signs.

Family Vacation Day: Five HAPPY FOURTH!

2011-07-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

We were lucky enough to spend the 4th with family. It is so great to see family and so sad to say goodbye. I wish we all lived close to each other. In my family on my mom's side there are 26 grandchildren including myself and my siblings. I am close to all of them. We grew up together. And even though some of them were states away they still made regular visits and we have remained the best of friends even into our adult years. I am so thankful to our parents for giving us the opportunity to be close to my cousins.

We got ready for the morning in our festive attire and set out for the Spectrum in Irvine, to do some window shopping. When we had had enough we headed for Buffalo Wild Wings, one of Spencer's most favorite restaurants, which we do not have in Utah. We ordered a whole bunch of wonderful wings and filled ourselves to the brim. We then met up with my cousins at Kim's house and enjoyed the rest of the evening together. We grilled and ate DELICIOUS brats, "man pasta" and many other wonderful foods. My grandma Richards, in Utah, sent us money to buy a cheesecake and we all devoured it! We watched the fireworks in Ladera and had an enjoyable time.

Getting ready for the day.

The fountain at the Spectrum

A little too close! He chucked his binky in and then said "I trew my binky in da water"
Buffalo Wild Wings!
Belle and "Heavy Evy"

Isabelle and Jameson
My cousin Hillary is EVERYONES favorite!
Spence and Jake. Best First cousins once removed!
Oh my Kaney Kanes! I miss you already!
Are you kidding me? Cutest baby nephews ever!
I honestly think that I am the luckiest aunt ever! I have the cutest nephews! I even have more in Utah and Alaska! AND two beautiful nieces. I am so freaking lucky! Look at how handsome these guys are!

This cheesecakes for you Grandma!

Waiting for the fireworks in the back of Nicks truck. Cute kids.

Family Vacation Day: TWO AND THREE

2011-07-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to update this post for a couple of days but my computer has been acting up. So here it is finally. On Friday Nate worked a half day in Cedar City. I took the kids to this awesome park called "Park Discovery". It had so many fun things things to play on. Gavs loved it.

I love watching him run
Here we are headed to California. Gavs checked out for half the ride (hallelujah!).

My cute husband driving.
Silly kids eating cookies. Gavin always wants to join in on the silliness!

I know this picture is blurry but Belle road a two wheeler for the first time here at Sara's the first night we got there. She did an awesome job.
Our silly Lukey and Belle. Oh how I love the Gibson's.

ORANGE COUNTY SWAP MEET! For me this is a mandatory stop and Nate is so patient to endure it every time we go. The kids love the cheap crap they sell too! We met Uncle Dustin and Aunt Whitney and the boys. The kids were holding Jason's hand all throughout the market place. They were so dang cute.
UM HELLO! Can you not just help but munch on this chubby bubby?! I am so in love. I love this Heavy Evy!
Belle found a wig. I love it! She is so funny.
Oh the Blessed Beach. For those of you who really know me, know that this is my sanctuary, my little piece of heaven on earth. We headed to Newport after the Swap Meet on Saturday not thinking that it was a holiday weekend. It took over an hour to find a parking spot! But it was well worth it!

Is he not just so beautiful? Even with the darn Binky. He looks like my little surfer boy.
Cousin Time! this is really the first time Gavin has had quality time, being old enough, to play with his cousin, Jason. They had a great time playing in the sand.

Got to love the Luke Man.

Ruby's on the pier!
Is he not just so precious. We love our Grant man.

Gavs sat next to me the whole time, since he does not like the water, and built sand castles all day long.

Isabelle and Jakey were inseparable at the beach. They played in the waves together and then Belle and Luke had fun burying Jake.

Later that evening we headed out to Monrovia to meet some awesome people. The Meyers family has been a big support of Spencer's throughout his treatments and recovery. It was so nice to finally meet them. Nate works with Scott but was the first time for the rest of us to meet the family. Scott, Trish, David, Orion, and Aiden took us to this FANTASTIC Mexican restaurant in West Covina called Broncos. It was seriously delicious. We had a fun night talking and eating.

Family Vacation Day: ONE

2011-06-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today we headed to Cedar City. Nate is working a couple of half days out there on our way to California. The kids and I just hung out at the hotel until Nate got back. We went to dinner at a local hamburger joint, stopped at an antique store, and drove up Kolob Canyon in Zions National Park. It is only day one and I feel like this vacation is so much more fun with my kids being older, at least with the older two. They are enjoying and appreciating things a little more. They are learning to stop and smell the roses. Gavin loved Kolob. He kept pointing around and saying "mountain" "trees". Nate was kind enough to stop at an old antique store. It looked totally run down, which in my opinion, is the best kind! Belle wanted to join me, so she and I perused the store and the grounds. It was a proud moment for me. I love that she enjoyed the antiques as much as I did. Nate did not see my antique furniture visions but she totally did! We had an enjoyable day. Tomorrow we will continue on to Irvine when Nate is finished with work. It will be a longer drive in one shot than we are used to but it will be fun. I love my family. I tried some different editing techniques so some of the pictures look funky. Enjoy!

A Little Moment

2011-06-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

I saw this today as I was looking through my pictures. I had forgotten (already) how bald and sick Spencer was. It makes me hold my breath for a minute as my heart drops into my stomach. After my moment I let out a big sigh and thank God for our blessings and health and strength. We are leaving tomorrow for our 10 day vacation to California. It has been since before Spence was diagnosed that we have been able to go as a family. We are so excited to sit on the beach and relax!

The Birthday Bash

2011-06-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Spencer's birthday this year was nothing short of a miracle. We all fought hard to have him here to celebrate this year! We started the weekend with a trip ALL THE WAY TO PROVO (lol) to stay in an hotel and surprise Spence with lunch the next day at Tucanos. He has been waiting and waiting to eat there since he was not able to during treatments. We had Red Robin for dinner that night and then surprised him the following day with his "surprise birthday/cancer free party". It turned out amazing! My wonderful friend Megan, the owner of Sweet Tooth Fairy made him an awesome Halo cake. We are so lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people!

Business Endeavors

2011-06-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

I know you are wanting pictures and I am not delivering to you! I am sorry! They will come. I just need some time. I am trying to start up a couple of business opportunities for myself and thought maybe I could use your help. I would like to start up a house cleaning/spring cleaning business. I have over 4 years of hospital grade cleaning experience and love to scrub and detail. Normal charges will be $20/hr for house cleaning and $25/hr for spring cleaning. I am going to start with a Summer Special of $18/hr and $20/hr. If you are interested or have friends and family who are interested please contact me goochymomma@gmail.com. I have yet to come up with a fun, catchy name. I would love to get ideas for names and if your idea is chosen I will give you 2 hours FREE of house cleaning. Also I am trying to launch an Etsy store. I refinish furniture and have such a love and passion for it. I have a great eye to turn junk into treasures and have a fun, unique style. I need a name for this store too. I need your help. If your name is chosen then I will give you a $50 gift certificate towards furniture. For my furniture restoration I would like maybe something with the ocean or the beach in the name, maybe an alliteration of some sort (not a requirement), and maybe something to do with "seconds" or "reruns" or something to that effect. I am hoping to start up the Etsy site soon and have some furniture to post after we get back from Calfornia the second week of July. Thank you for all of your help! You can either comment or email me at goochymomma@gmail.com

Convincing

2011-06-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am having some weird emotions as I am trying to collect myself to blog again. SO MANY PICTURES! I need to journal this part of our lives, especially the happy parts, even if it just means posting pictures but my mind just screams "CANCER" when I come to this place. These are things that I do not want to push from my mind. These experiences made us strong, full of faith, humble. I cannot fear coming to this blog. Although cancer may creep into our lives again someday, I need to be thankful for these, the happy, healthy times. I need those who seek support to see the normalcy and happiness of life. I need to provide hope to those who come here to seek it. With these words of mine I try to convince myself of them. There are so many unimportant things in our lives. I have come to love and appreciate my family even more than before. I have so much love and gratitude in my life. Don't sweat the small stuff. I have an amazing husband. Our relationship is different. Renewed and bound tight. I am thankful for all of these things. It may be hard for me to journal as much as I have because of the emotions that I am trying to push aside but I am working on posting pictures. I am so thankful to you all for listening to me and feeling our pain throughout this journey. Spencer has his first post treatment scan in July. I am not feeling nervous but we always appreciate your prayers. We have all seen what your prayers have done for our family!

I'm A Survivor

2011-05-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

My uncle Kevin and family came to visit from central Calfornia this week. My uncle has battle Multiple Myeloma and beat it (it is an incurable cancer but he is now in remission). My beautiful cousin Becky was diagnosed after Spencer with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and beat it. And then there is my brave tough boy. Three generations of cancer survivors all within two years! My Grandpa died of a brain tumor that was metastatic disease from his malignant Melanoma, and Becky's brother Stephen died of an unidentified type of brain tumor, a few years ago. There was no cancer in our family until my Grandpa 6 years ago and now it has unleashed it evil doings on our family. All from the same side. How lucky we are to be in the presence of these three super heroes!

Uncle Kevin took the kids to lunch at Weinerschnitzel and they pigged out. Both of my children, this includes my teeny tiny daughter, ate a bacon wrapped chili dog, a corn dog and an ice cream cone! Wow. Gross. They decided it would be a great idea to take a walk afterwards to burn off an 1/8th of the calories! My Grandma lives in a beautiful suburban neighborhood surrounded by farms on the outskirts. Her home rests at the bottom of the mountain and I took the opportunity to photo the beautiful day.

Gavs and Evelyn looking cool in their "rides"
The kids held uncle Kevin's hands for almost the whole walk!

We found this beautiful old bridge.

She knows how to pose! I love this girl!

She picked wildflowers along the way.
You know the show Everybody Loves Raymond? It really should be Everybody Loves Hillary. She is EVERYONE'S favorite!

Geez! This marshmallow is almost as big as his face!
Oh my little rockstar.
Cousin Roger captured Aida and Gavs.
Belle found this leaf and tried to sneak it into my purse along with her rocks and sticks she collected. I told her no leaves in my purse but that I would take a picture of it. She like the designs that were eaten out of it.
We had such a fabulous day with our family. It was so nice to enjoy the beautiful day and such great company.

Physical Therapy (PT)

2011-05-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the quality of these pictures. They did not turn out great at all. Spence has been going to physical therapy. Vincristine, one of his chemos, can cause the muscles in your feet to tighten causing foot drop and weakness in his leg and foot muscles. He flops his feet when he walks and does not have a complete dorsiflexion. His toes curl up because the muscles are so tight. He was on Vincristine the whole time, full dose, from week one to week 54, so we could only expect some type of side effect. Megan, who is the best PT ever, has been helping Spence meet all of his PT "goals". His dorsiflexion is greater, his gait is a little better, and his muscles are becoming stronger. Spencer is so happy when he gets to go to physical therapy. I have to say the first time since diagnosis that I saw real happiness on his face was here. We were originally going 3 times a week and are now down to our last weekly visits.

The Final Chemo

2011-05-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

I feel so guilty for not getting this post done long ago. March 24, 2011 marked the day of Spencer's last chemo in his road map of 54 long weeks of chemo treatment. I am not going to do a lot of journaling in this post. I will mostly let the pictures do the talking. These pictures were taken by the wonderful Amelia of Brightsides Photography.

Waiting (a long while) for the final chemo, Spence spent his time on his iPod Touch.

They know he loves cereal and ALWAYS give him a big huge box when he comes. He loves it.
He ALWAYS makes sure he hits up the snack room and loads up on treats.
His cool shark Vans.

We {heart} Dr. Fluchel (pronounced flu-shell)

BEST. NURSE. EVER.

My beautiful Ally necklace.

Tough as nails this one!

They brought in a huge load of presents for his last chemo.

Our beloved oncologists, Dr. Fluchel and Dr. Verma.

Caitlyn was one of our favorite nurses.

Enjoying the last rootbeer popsicle.
THE END.

Boys

2011-05-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

It is so hard to sit back and watch your kids experience growing up. The heartache and rejection is hard. Spence has been struggling with his best friend. Shortly after he was back to school for good a new dynamic set in. I don't know if it is competition, or jealousy but they just have not been getting along the same. Sometimes friends say things they don't mean, and kids are kids. But it is so hard to watch Spencer have his feelings hurt. It is hard to watch him be brave as he fights back the tears. It is hard to watch these little people learn how to deal with losing friends, and trying to maintain friendships. It was painful to sit and watch my son almost lifeless in the hospital, but there is something heart wrenching about the sorrow they go through when their feelings are hurt by someone the trust. You have to let them figure things out. This evening I found out that Spence and his friend had a talk with their teacher. Spencer was already in bed but I decided to have a little chat with him anyway. I asked him what happened. You could see the defeat on his little face. The corners of his lips turned down and started to quiver and he tried to talk to me without crying. Sigh. His friend was saying hurtful, teasing things to him and so he finally broke down and retaliated with more hurtful words, which I do not condone at all. The friend then went and told on Spencer for saying those things. Spencer is very non-confrontational, it almost makes me giggle that he got so upset, because it is not like him. We have all had those frustrated moments when we don't know what else to say besides "well you don't have a brain." I asked Spencer if he is sad to be losing this friend. And with tears held back he nodded. I just told him to pray about it, to try to be a nice person and to try to work it out. I guess the boys have a "meeting" with their teacher tomorrow to try to work things out between them. It was hard enough to go through these experiences for my own, but to watch your child do it is horribly painful, especially after all he has been through. Life is life. We all have these experiences to help us grow and develop into our own person. I hope these boys can work things out. They are both good boys just going through some issues. I just wish this didn't have to happen so shortly after this past years events and treatments. I just wish I could protect my babies from pain. I would gladly take it all for them.

Celebration Reminder!

2011-05-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

i haven't disappeared. i do want to remind everyone about spencer's birthday/cancer free party on may 28th (which is his birthday). It is at our church building 12830 s. 4570 w. in Riverton. I know it is Memorial Day weekend but for all those in town we would love for you to come celebrate with us. We just ask that everyone brings a treat or snack of some sort. It will begin at 3 pm. We are so thankful for all who have supported us through this trial and would love for you all to come and celebrate with us. We would love to meet those of you we do not know personally.

Lonely

2011-05-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am feeling lonely. I feel set apart from the World. I feel heart ache. I feel wounds. New and open. I feel healing. I feel conflicts. Have you ever lost a friend? Gone separate ways? This is a first for me and it cuts like a knife. I have so many friends it seems that losing one would not be a huge loss, but for me, a part of me feels like it is missing. I think we all have times in our lives that we think we are doing the right thing but the right thing backfires on us. My life is filled with good intentions. I never mean to offend or hurt or push anyone aside. I have anxieties about not making everyone feel apart of the group. My friends are family. Tonight I feel lonely. Sad. Part of me missing. I love you friend. I miss you. I wish you understood that. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could take away all your pain, your heart ache, your medical bills. I wish I could shake you and tell you that I love you. I wish you knew you are first front in my mind and my heart and that I read your blog and your Facebook and that you know I know how you are doing. Life can be sad. Tonight I am sad.

WIRELESS!

2011-04-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

Now you see it...Now you don't!

Spence had his line taken out a week ago yesterday, on April 18, 2011. His central line went up through his subclavian vein, which empties right into the heart to administer quick and efficient chemotherapy. He had this line put in on February 12, 2010. He actually has also had it replaced once last April.

The Final Plunge! Or flush should we say. To make certain that the line does not clot or become infected we have to flush it every day. Sometimes multiple times a day depending on the unit of Heparin we are using. It is just a normal daily routine that we are so happy about dismissing! Dad got to do the final flush!

We needed to be at the hospital at 8:45 in the morning. Here in the first waiting room you can tell he is nervous for surgery.
He wanted to hold my hand all morning.
Vitals and such. Getting ready for the OR waiting room.

We are so lucky that Aunt Chelsey works in the OR. She takes good care of us. She definitely helped calm his nerves. She has that impact on people!
Lizzie-do you get to make hospital buddies?
Chelsey brought my camera back to the OR with her and snapped some pics of prep and putting him to sleep! It is so fun to have connections! He chose to go to sleep with the Rootbeer flavored gas. The "surgery" was so simple they did not even intubate or i.v. him. Just a little bit of sassafras dreams did the job.

A little woozy out of surgery but woke up much faster without major anesthesia in his system.
They take care of him there. He was able to have a rootbeer slushy as soon as he was ready for one. Which was only a matter of minutes!
We had a sign a waiver of release of bio hazardous material but they let us keep his line.
Wireless!

We have been waiting for this moment for sooooooo long! We never thought it would come but here we are.

Trying To Fit It All In

2011-04-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

So many posts. So many pictures. I am going to try to fit a bunch into one. A few weeks before Spencer's final chemo he was not feeling so well. His teacher called me from school and said Spence felt like he needed blood. I took him straight to the chemo clinic and low and behold, he was right. It is amazing how well he knows his body. He not only got hooked up with blood, but slushies and Benedryl. He was out before we left.

Gavin is obsessed with Toy Story. It is a rare thing to get him calm and still. He is in the Toy Story zone.

Our last Pack Meeting Spence earned his Bobcat badge from Cub Scouts. It was a cowboy themed party. Spence made the banner for it.
Handsome boys. I love this picture of Gavs. He is so photogenic.

After one of Spencer's treatments we went out for hot chocolate and to the delicious Sweet Tooth Fairy.

Not sure if licorice was the best idea.
A visit to Grandma Greats.
Best buds. Brock and Gavs.
Some people may see a skinny, pale sick, child. To me I see beauty, strength and faith.

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

2011-04-24T12:14:00.001-07:00

I know I apologize constantly about not blogging sooner, especially when I have so much to post. I have had a horrible case of food poisoning the last 2.5 days and have literally been in bed or the bathroom. I have never been this sick. It makes me empathetic to my sweet little boy. It is no coincidence, I feel, that I have been able to feel the pains of my son, during this time of celebration of the Resurrection. I could not let this day pass without expressing my testimony of gratitude and sanctity to my Savior Jesus Christ. There are a few things that I have come across this day or that I have been thinking about that will best describe my testimony. First, one of my most favorite scriptures has always been Isaiah 53:3-5

3He is ^adespised and rejected of men; a man of ^bsorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we ^cesteemed him not.

4¶Surely he hath ^aborne our ^bgriefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

5But he was ^awounded for our ^btransgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his ^cstripes we are ^dhealed. I don't know if you realize that when the bruised him with leather it was not just a normal "Indiana Jones" type of whip. They were big thick piece of leather, lots of them, laced with bone. They ripped his back open. He did not speak an unkind word. He did not complain. With his stripes we are healed.

Here is a talk I came across by Joseph B. Wirthlin title SUNDAY WILL COME. I have taken bits and pieces of it for you to read. It is a little long but worth your time.

"In the lonely hours I have spent a great deal of time thinking about eternal things. I have contemplated the comforting doctrines of eternal life. We know what the Resurrection is—the reuniting of the spirit and body in its perfect form.Spencer W. Kimball amplified this when he said, “I am sure that if we can imagine ourselves at our very best, physically, mentally, spiritually, that is the way we will come back.”

When we are resurrected, “this mortal body is raised to an immortal body. … [We] can die no more.”

Can you imagine that? Life at our prime? Never sick, never in pain, never burdened by the ills that so often beset us in mortality?

The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs as Christians. Without it, our faith is meaningless. The Apostle Paul said, “If Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and [our] faith is also vain.”

In all the history of the world there have been many great and wise souls, many of whom claimed special knowledge of God. But when the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived—the just and the unjust.⁶

When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones.

I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

I testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him.

After the Resurrection, the disciples became renewed. They traveled throughout the world proclaiming the glorious news of the gospel.

Had they chosen, they could have disappeared and returned to their former lives and occupations. In time, their association with Him would have been forgotten.

They could have denied the divinity of Christ. Yet they did not. In the face of danger, ridicule, and threat of death, they entered palaces, temples, and synagogues boldly proclaiming Jesus the Christ, the resurrected Son of the living God.

Many of them offered as a final testimony their own precious lives. They died as martyrs, the testimony of the risen Christ on their lips as they perished.

The Resurrection transformed the lives of those who witnessed it. Should it not transform ours?

We will all rise from the grave. And on that day my father will embrace my mother. On that day I will once again hold in my arms my beloved Elisa.

Because of the life and eternal sacrifice of the Savior of the world, we will be reunited with those we have cherished.

On that day we will know the love of our Heavenly Father. On that day we will rejoice that the Messiah overcame all that we could live forever.

It is my solemn testimony that death is not the end of existence. “If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.” Because of the risen Christ, “death is swallowed up in victory.”

Because of our beloved Redeemer, we can lift up our voices, even in the midst of our darkest Fridays, and proclaim, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”⁹

May we understand and live in thanksgiving for the priceless gifts that come to us as sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and for the promise of that bright day when we shall all rise triumphant from the grave.

That we may always know that no matter how dark our Friday, Sunday will come is my prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I know I have shared the lyrics with I know That My Redeemer Lives once before but the words speak to me. The power in the song is how I feel about my Savior.

I Know That My Redeemer Lives Hymn

I know that my Redeemer lives;
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living Head.

He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to help in time of need.

He lives triumphant from the grave,
He lives eternally to save,
He lives all glorious in the sky,
He lives exalted there on high.

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend,
He lives and loves me to the end;
He lives, and while He lives, I’ll sing;
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
He lives, and I shall conquer death:
He lives my mansion to prepare;
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to His Name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same.
Oh, the sweet joy this sentence gives,
I know that my Redeemer lives!

I am so thankful for my Savior and for his sacrifice and love for me. I am thankful that I am never alone. The Savior bore my pains, my sorrows, my sins. Through my times of darkness, and grief I know because of Jesus Christ Sunday WILL come.

COME CELEBRATE!

2011-04-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Okay. I have two requests today. First thing, Spencer's birthday is the end of May. All he wants for his birthday is a room make over. I am trying to get a "Utah Utes" room done for him but I have so much to do and I cannot imagine trying to get it done on my own. I need some helpers to assist me in painting his room. It is a big room and I need help. If I could get maybe four friends to help out that would be FABULOUS! I also need some help making some Utes curtains. I do not sew well. It would take me forever to get them done and I would like them done before his birthday. I can get some fabric to you if you can help me. I think that is all for now with his room. Painters and a seamstress is what I need most. I am refinishing furniture in his room and if any one with a sander would at least like to help me sand down some stuff that would be great too. OKAY. NOW TO THE GOOD STUFF. On SATURDAY MAY, 28TH (which is his actual birthday) at 3 p.m. I am throwing a huge "HAPPY BIRTHDAY/CANCER FREE" celebration. I want everyone who is able and who has had the opportunity to get to know Spence through our blog to be able to meet him and celebrate with our family. Because we have sooooooo many wonderful friends I will have to ask that everyone brings some kind of treat. We will be holding the party at our church building 12830 south 4570 west Riverton, Ut 84065. This celebration is a surprise. He has no idea! I want him to be able to see all of his supporters! Especially since he missed his fundraiser last year. If you are able to make it please leave a comment or email me at goochymomma@gmail.com. I would like to have an idea of who can make it. Also, if you are a "stranger" and have not met our family but are part of our blog family we would love to have you there. We would love to meet you! I have been so looking forward to getting to this point and having a reason for celebration!

CANCER FREE BABY!

2011-04-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

I do not even have words enough to express how I feel. I woke up this morning thinking "what is different about today?" MY SON IS CANCER FREE! The knowledge of this can get me through any day. Bad days will never be the same. A bad day is when you have to rush your immuno-compromised child to the ER, or when his blood pressure drops so low that they rush him to the PICU. A bad day is watching your child cry as their hair falls out in chunks, or when they are so sick they cannot even open their eyes and have to be fed through a tube. A bad day is when your little girl cries and cries because you have to go to the hospital again with your other sick child and she doesn't know when she will see you next. A bad day is when you aren't quite sure that your child is going to make it through the day. I have many new perspectives and this is one of them. Yesterday was our scan result appointment. It was a super busy day and we waited for probably an hour and a half before any nurse or doctor was able to meet with us. I was surprisingly calm. I guess you could call it Faith. I have been trying to determine is that is what it was. My Sara reminded me the day before that the opposite of faith is fear, and since I had no fear or anxiety (which is soooo not me) that I must have had faith of good results. Nate was a little full of anticipation and Spence ate 3 Otter Pops and a bag of pretzels as we waited. The clinic has a ton of treats so he kept going back and forth. Love him. When our doctor finally came in she was pretty straightforward. She said "the scans look great, there is no malignant activity anywhere in his body" {and big fat breath out}. Before I continue I have to say that I prayed for a miracle this time. I begged the Lord to let the mass of scar tissue be gone. This has been the ultimate test of my faith. I prayed that if the mass did not have to play a roll in his life again to let it be gone. I let Him know that I know he has performed miracles, healing the sick, raising the dead, and begged to let this mass be gone. I told Him that I did not ask for any humongous miracles during this trial. I never asked for the cancer to just be gone right away, knowing that he needed us to go through this, but that now I was asking for this miracle. SOOOO....when our doctor handed us the report she then said "oh and the report says nothing about the mass of scare tissue." The reports are usually pretty thorough, explaining each detail and each fraction of an inch of scanned surface. She told me she would have to look into it more and that we will check up on it but I knew why they didn't mention the mass. Spencer and I prayed and fasted for this miracle. She then told us she would schedule his surgery for his line to come out for next week and we asked if it could come out the next day (which is today). She said "sure!". Unfortunately, the OR did not have any room for him today but Monday will be the day! He is on the schedule. What a day! I also know what good days are! Good days are when after a year of tears and trial and your child's life hanging in the balance, someone comes and takes that all away. A good day is when your faith is confirmed. A good day is feeling the peace of God. Please do not stop following us, as we have so many fun things to go through yet, especially our Make a Wish Disneyworld trip this Fall. Plus I am still trying to catch up on this year! Thank you for all of your prayers and fasting. They are powerful and have gotten us through this trial. We are all different people because of this tribulation, and it will be interesting to learn to use these new life lessons. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for all of the blessings and trial in my life.

First Post Treatment Scan

2011-04-13T18:56:00.001-07:00

I am working on a "mega post" and it may take me awhile so I will at least, prelude it with a smaller, more informational post. Today was Spencer's first post treatment PET scan. The first of many. He will have scans regularly for the next five years before he is considered "cured" or a "survivor". He usually is able to get a contrast injection through his line but because this one was a super duper scan they used a power injector and that has too much pressure to go through his central line, so he had to get an I.V. It totally sucks when this has to happen. He has the dang line so he does not have to be poked so much. He cried and is still complaining of it hurting and I cannot blame him, I really dislike I.V.'s myself. The scan only took about an hour but the whole procedure from I.V. to oral contrast, to end of scan was about 2.5 hours. We have done a PET scan before several times so it was nothing new. I know he will not love me telling this story and if your kids read this blog have them be sensitive. You have to be totally and completely still in the PET scan. The poor kid drank like 500 ml's of contrast before the scan, and even went to the bathroom but had to go so bad during the scan. I could hear him yelling to the techs but they cannot stop the scan and he has anxieties about moving around. He ended up wetting his pants because he didn't want to have to wiggle at all during the scan. He felt so bad. Sweet kid. When he was done they got him a pair of scrubs to wear and put his wet clothes in a plastic bag. It never ends for him. We had a bunch of errands to run so we went by Target to get him some new underwear and pants. I made it up to him by taking him to Cafe Rio for lunch. He kept saying "This is so good I cannot even explain how good it is." I love him. He told me all about his favorite names that he wants to name his children. For boys he loves Nathan (go figure) and Joseph (which is Nate's middle name) and Matthew, and John. He told my dad that he will name one of his son's middles names after him, which is OK (capital O capital K no periods). Don't ask his dad was a drunk and in the military. Named him OK Joe. Better than the alternative, GI Joe. He told me he loves the names Emma, Emily, Ally and Becky for girls. I don't know where he came up with any of these but I love that he thinks about it. He even said "I hope my wife lets me name our son after grandpa." He makes me giggle. He told me over and over that he loves me and thank you for our lunch date. How lucky I am to be his mom. Tomorrow is our meeting with the oncologist to go over his scan results (trying to have ultimate faith but mostly borrowing Spencer's). He keeps saying he is excited for tomorrow because he knows the results will be great. After clear scans then we will make an appointment next week for his central line to come out. This is something I cannot even imagine because it has been in so long and will be the final step to being able to breath again. I will continue to work on the mega blog post and keep you informed on our results tomorrow.

Fire

2011-04-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am struggling with my blog. I have so many words to write and so many pictures to post and catch up on and I am just tired. I am lagging. I think the emotion I express takes so much energy that I have to prepare myself for it. I have been trying to understand why life is not feeling normal. Things have slowed down significantly and I am not the same. We are not the same. Then I realized, isn't that what this is all about? Trials are a refiners fire, right? I am not supposed to be the same. I have tried to jump into some of the same things I did before and have not felt the same desire for them. I think that my priorities are just much different. I used to rearrange my schedule to go out with friends, and although i love my friends, i love being home with my husband and kids even more. I have become more of a home body. I have become more of a snuggler with my kids. I am learning to pray. I have learned to lean on the Lord. I need to not be discouraged that I don't feel the same. I should be thankful that this experience was not all for naught. So here we are 14 months later, fresh out of the fire, trying to understand this new form that is taking shape. We are rediscovering our new selves as the ashes are blown away. There are so many more lessons to learn in this life but how lucky we are to be able to understand the beauty in trials. How lucky I am to have a fabulous family, immediate and extended. My friend today said something so beautiful that made me realize how lucky I am. She said she was thinking about her dreams in life and what more she would want. She thought to herself that she IS living her dream. She is mom to great kids, a wife to a great husband, she gets to stay home with her kids and there is not anymore she could want, she is living her dream. How perfect is that? I love that even though there are crappy trials that is even so much more happiness in this life. How beautiful. How lucky.

Catching Up...Halloween

2011-03-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Halloween is a big event in our home. It is safe to say that it is our most favorite holiday. Growing up my dad always made a big deal over it and made sure we had the coolest "special effects". He is no different with my kids. We spent Halloween weekend in the hospital for an inpatient chemo stay and were discharged the night before Halloween. We decorated his room, dressed up and went trick or treating down the halls. Isabelle opted to stay home from her very first school Halloween parade so that she could be with her brother. It was a special Halloween. The kids both got prizes for dressing up and we enjoyed watching the other costumers and the hospital party. We also had a community party the week before and the kids had a night time candy hunt. They both scored big pumpkins! Nate had a date with his friends that evening so I took the kids to Village Inn for some pie. It was only days after Spencer's feeding tube had come out and him eating was so exciting for me. He ordered two kids meals and a big piece of pie! On Halloween night it was raining and Spence had barely been home from the hospital so Nate took the kids to a few homes in the neighborhood to trick or treat and then we spent the evening at my dads. My stepmom made an awesome mummy meatloaf, eyeballs, and witches brew. It was a fun night. This year was definitely different than most but it was so much fun. The hospital did a great job of getting the kids excited and playing up the holiday. Everyone was so impressed with Spencer's costume.

Our community Halloween party. The candy hunt.
On Halloween morning I made Jack-o-Lantern pancakes.

Belle and Raynee made this elaborate haunted house that she wanted to keep forever but I told her I would take pictures instead.
Village Inn. Pie-ing it up!
Mummy Meatloaf, eyeballs, witches brew, zombies, grim reapers, and lots of candy. The recipe for a perfect Halloween.
Trick-or-Treating at the hospital. Showing their loot. They also had fun crafts for them to do. I am so glad Isabelle had time with her brother.
Games at our community party.
Even Grim Reapers love their stuffed animals.

and so do zombies.

My gross children.
Donuts at the PCMC party.

Spence decorating his room.
BRAINS!
Death, knocking at your door!

Beautiful

2011-03-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

How beautiful is life? How lucky we are to experience so much in our short lives. The pain, the tears, the laughter, the happiness, beauty, birth, death, fun, sorrow. There is so much for us to feel. We are so lucky to have the capacity to feel it all without bursting. We all have a journey. We all have thorns. We all have skeletons. We all have laughter in our souls. We all have moments where we wonder how we got here, in this moment. We all wish we could walk away at times in our lives. We all have felt loneliness. We all know how to plead to a God. We all have a song. We have all held our heads up in confidence and also walked with our heads low in shame. We all know how is to love with every fiber of our being. How lucky are we? I was talking to another friend of mine who has experienced a child with cancer and other trials in her life. She said has realized that she cannot live without help from the Lord. It is one of the lessons she has learned. We talked about how so many people experience trials, horrible trials, all for naught. They do not understand why. It makes for a pretty sad life. I feel so grateful to know that my trials are a refiner's fire. That there are lessons to be learned, muscles to be built and Faith to increase. I have true happiness in my life. I have a super handsome husband who loves me. He is loyal, he is kind, he is helpful and he works so hard for our family. I have three incredibly beautiful children. They are miracles, each freckle, dimple, eyelash. They are proof that there is a God. Their souls bring warmth and light and inspiration in my life. To all the lives they touch. I had an epiphany recently. I have always thought that I had been putting on this show that I had the perfect life. That things are as great as they could be. I grew up in a not so perfect home and have wanted that perfect home so badly for myself. My clothes may not always be folded and my bathrooms cleaned weekly but my life is pretty dang perfect. There is no "show". I have a fabulous husband, a good marriage that is constantly worked on, great children and a happy relationship with them. I am a fun mom. I make dinner and pack lunches and I give lots of kisses. What else do I need in my life. I have God, I have my family, and I have an understanding of beauty and of pain and I have a beautiful life.

Please Hold...

2011-03-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know you are all waiting for a post. For pictures. For stories. I am fighting an horrible cold right now and I am completely exhausted. Like 415 days of hell exhausted. I will get to you very shortly. Spence had his last chemo yesterday and there are pictures to come soon.

The Price is Right!

2011-03-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Our beloved Price family!
Cutest cousins! (Spence was in the hospital)
Me and Belle and delicious little Rigsy Bigs!

One of the best parts of having a "split" family is more family! When my dad got remarried 6 years ago I was the lucky winner of 3 extra sisters and 2 more brothers and now two beautiful nephews, oh and two awesome brothers in law. I still fall as the oldest between both of our families. I think it took a little while to get accustomed to having a "new" family especially that I was older and had kids of my own, but now I just absolutely love it. Casy, Lindsay, Logan, Raynee, and Arza and definitely my awesome little brothers and sisters and I love each of them unconditionally. It is always the dream of a little girl to have a sister to play with. I was lucky enough to have 2 biological sister but they are 7 and 12 years younger than I am . Brittany and I are now old enough to be friends, but our lives are different. CASY is my little sis who is old enough to be my peer. She is married and has two ADORABLE little boys and she is my shopping buddy. The unfortunate part of it all is that she lives in FREAKING ALASKA! She is much too far away for my liking and we miss her terribly until we are able to see her again. This year we are so lucky to have some regular visits from their family. They were here in October and will be here at the end of this week! Gavin thought that his cousin Morgan was the coolest guy ever and talks about him almost everyday and deliciously chubby Rigs makes us hungry for kisses! We are soooo excited to have the Price family come and visit and I wish that we could kidnap them and keep them here with us! Then maybe life would be complete!

Light Keeper

2011-03-13T21:29:00.001-07:00

So many more things to say as I cry tonight. First thing, there is a God. He knows me. He knows what I need. A Facebook friend posted this much needed quote tonight "When he says to the poor in spirit 'come unto me' He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way." {Jeffrey R. Holland} He knows that I needed this tonight. Second thing, I have amazing friends. Calls, texts, chats helped me through the night. Friends going through their own trials reminding me that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. And the third thing is uplifting music. I love "gospel" music or churchy music. I guess that can make me a total nerd but I love it, and today I received the peace and the words I needed today. Katherine Nelsons SOMETIMES HE LETS IT RAIN "When her heart surrenders to the master in control her heart learns the lessons and the tempest in her soul when it's not longer raging she can see how far she's come through the wisdom and the mercy of the son. Sometimes he lets it rain, he lets the fierce winds blow. Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow. He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain, but sometimes He lets it rain. He lets it rain. Sometimes it rains. Just let it rain. There is no joy without the pain. Sometimes He has to let it rain."
and her YOU SURROUND ME "I stand in between the rush of the day and you and me. I am trying to catch my breath and feeling for that peace that only you can bring. I close my eyes and feel a catching breeze I feel the sunlight washing over me. You surround me. Your every breath i breathe, and though you are never far from my reach, you surround me. Lost and swept away and cradled in your arms is where I want to be. A moment in your sweet sweet love, what I would give to see what you can see. I stop to feel you all around me. I see your presence in everything. You surround me. You're in the sun and in the rain and in the waves upon the sea youre in the wind and in teh sand and in the grass beneath my feet. your'e in the rocks and in the leaves and every branch on every tree you are the joy you are the pain you are the hope that carries me. Youre every breath i breathe. and though you are never far from my reach. you surround me. you surround me. "
And then today Jenny Phillips LIGHTKEEPER inspired me. These words were super powerful to me and were meant for a good friend I had time to spend with this weekend. You know who you are.
"He knows its hard to hold to his light sometimes. The world is so far from the right. So just close your eyes, He will help you shine. LIGHT KEEPER BE STRONG. LIGHT KEEPER WALK ON THROUGH THE NIGHT. WHEN ALL THE WORLD IS TELLING YOU THAT IT'S NOT WORTH THE FIGHT HOLD ON TO YOUR LIGHT, HOLD IT TIGHT, LIGHT KEEPER. You might feel left behind when others leave the light. Oh how the Father loves you. He will never leave your side, He will help you shine. Oh how you shine. You are full of the Father's love. You are worthy of his trust. Oh what beautiful light."
We have been reading in the scriptures about shining our lights on a hill and not hiding it under a bushel. And I have been thinking about all of the trials that I have gone through and how I feel obligated to be a light, even when it is hard. If you cannot be a light in your family and friends lives then who will?

Drowning...again.

2011-03-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin today. In my last post, I spoke too soon. The next day we headed to the hospital for a fever. Spence started the day at school and ended up coming home early, saying that he felt like he needed a blood transfusion. Low and behold, what do ya know? The kid was right. His hematocrit (red blood cell count) was really low. We spent the day there getting antibiotics and blood but were lucky enough to go home since all of the other blood counts were great. Since then he has had terrible headaches every day. The start in the late afternoon and debilitate him for the rest of the night. We had a fun filled weekend and he did not get a chance to enjoy much of it because of his headaches. On top of the headaches he is having anxiety attacks over them. He was sobbing in the car the other day and I asked him what was wrong and he said "I do not want to go through this all over again". Right before Spence was first diagnosed he was having horrendous migraines. He would scream and cry until he received comfort by falling asleep. I assume this is a repercussion of the pressure of his tumor. Now that the headaches are back he is so worried. It makes me heart sad. I on the other hand do not feel worried about it. Usually I would but I just don't. Nate started to worry as well and I told him I felt peaceful about it and he told me he trusted my intuition. Let's just hope it's right! I feel that after a LONG year of chemo and going back to school full time has worn the kid out. So now I am in this dilemma. Do I cut out some school time? Do I just let him go part time? I am a wreck. I don't know why I am such a wreck but I am. Today I am sick of it all. Today I just feel like crying myself to sleep and kicking and screaming. Today I want a normal kid. Why does he have to go through this stuff? Why can't he have a normal life? Why can't I get my house in order? Why do I feel like I am drowning again? I can't get it together. Today I just don't know how to do it all.

Press Forward?

2011-03-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

Trying to blog and the words are not flowing. I am starting to feel more normal. Spencer is back at school full time, piano lessons are started back up and life has not been so hectic. I am able to stay home during the day without frantically running from appointment to appointment. In fact I have "missed" my chiropractic appointment TWO times! I just totally forgot about it. It is kind of nice to stay in my comfy clothes all day and not have to do my makeup because I am not going out. I wear hats and sunglasses to drop off and pick up the kids from school, just in case anyone "sees" me. I decided to stay off Facebook for two weeks. I am so addicted to the computer that I just do not get things done. It is pretty pathetic. Today was my first day and I did pretty well. I just kept thinking to myself that no body needs to get a hold of me this week. I am trying to tell myself it is like when I am on vacation and I am not around. It is actually kind of fun to stay in my little bubble, at home and get things done. I still have my cell phone so there is some communication with the outside world but life will still go on without FB and emails. I got everything and then some done that I needed to get done. I feel accomplished. I feel in control. So far no withdrawals, no shakes or headaches. LOL. Spencer is doing really well in school. I tested him on his new set of spelling words for the week and he only missed three. We always start out by testing him on the words the first day and then making him write out the words he missed 10-15 times. Then on day two i retest him on his words and repeat the same exercises from the day before. On day four I have him write them out again and then we begin spelling them out loud. On the morning of the test I have him spell them out loud again on the way to school. I think he gets about 25 words but is only tested on 10 of them. It has been kind of fun for us. He is starting multiplication and I have been so impressed on how well his is doing. His hair is really starting to come in now. It is definitely more than a five o'clock shadow. His taste is starting to come back completely. Tomato sauce used to bother him. The acidity tasted like metal to him. Just a side effect from the chemos he was taking. He is now enjoy his favorite food, pizza, again. We prayed so long and hard for these normal days to come to us and now that they are here I feel a little melancholy. I WOULD NOT FOR THE WORLD GO BACK TO CANCER OR ABNORMALITY, but I miss the everyday miracles that we have been experiencing in our lives. Pretty soon his hair will grow back in and he will just be a tall, skinny kid to those who do not know him. No body will know where he came from and how long and hard he walked to get to where he is now. No special treatment, no leniency, just a normal boy. Some day people he comes in contact may never know this war he fought. Battle scars never go away on a moms heart. I hope that for him they do, however, I hope he never forgets the faith and power that healed him. I hope he never takes for granted the life he has been given. The ending is just all so surreal. Who knew that it would be this hard to leave it all behind. Press forward, always thanking God.

Auntie Holly

2011-03-02T22:19:00.001-08:00

It is amazing to give birth. I literally get jealous when friend or family member is in labor because I crave it. I must be crazy. To me it is the most exciting, miraculous thing on this earth and I feel so lucky to be a part of it. I love being a mom. The love I have for these kids is indescribable. I never thought that I could love any other children the way I love mine, until I became an aunt. The love may not be exactly the same but it is strong and true. I have been blessed with 3 nephews and 2 nieces, and my sisters boyfriends little boy (whom I just love so much also), Easton, Kanan, Jason, Marley, Carley and Miles. My sister in law, Whitney, is currently in the hospital having their second little boy and my other sister in law, Theresa, is due in May with their first little boy together, and her second. WAIT! my brother just texted me as I am writing this announcing the birth of Evan Joseph 8lbs 12oz 22 inches. The whole point of this post is to express my deep love for these babies. For my family. I am so lucky to be an aunt and to love these children like they are my own. Even though both of my brothers live out of state and I do not get to see their kiddies often, I love them! I would do anything for them. I just want to smooch their faces and eat their cheeks! I am fortunate enough to have Easton, Marley, Carley, and Miles close enough to love, love, love. These kids make me happy. I cannot wait to meet little Evan and baby Jameson. Sometimes life is hard, and crappy but Heavenly Father puts beautiful children and babies on this earth so spread his love and innocence. What a wonderful thing.

Reason #107.....

2011-03-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

to not let your husband dress the kids....denim pants, denim jacket. Totally cute separate but not together. Love you babe! Smooch.

All In a Days Work

2011-02-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

Friday the 18th started off as a normal day. It was even a little better than normal. I received this pretty box in the mail with this beautiful necklace from my Ally. The kids had piano lessons after school so I dropped them off and decided to do some exploring. I was not very familiar with the surrounding town so I thought I would take a drive. The view of the mountains was amazing and I thought I would stop to briefly take some pictures of them. I especially wanted my friends in California to see how beautiful they were. I saw an apartment complex with a large empty field that I could park in and take some pictures. Gavin was asleep in his car seat. I began driving into the field and then all of the sudden my car just stopped. I had no idea what had happened so I opened the door to get out and as soon as I put my feet on the ground, I found out...

an organic mud pedicure! I lost my shoes, literally in the mess. I ended up finding them but they were unsavable. My car had sunk into the mud. I tried to get out but to no avail. I started to panic because my kids were at piano lessons, I didn't have the phone number where they were and I had no idea what I was going to do. I called Saunie. I asked her if she would pick the kids up for me and luckily she was able to. Now to figure out how to get myself out of this sinking mud hole. I said a prayer, begging to get me out. I knew I would eventually get out but I had a feeling it was going to take more than asking this time. The second thing I thought to do was call my dad. He is always good at saving me.

My awesomely incredible dad, who just had knee surgery put broken down boxes all around my tires, found a sharp stick got on his hands and knees, and tried to dig me out. He worked for over an hour, in the freezing mud, with a sore knee. He did not have a chain but he had a rope and tied it to my car. I was just too stuck.
Because I had lost my shoes and was barefoot I was not able to help him dig. My feet were freezing and my car was covered in mud. Mud chunks went flying all around every time I tried to get out. 2 and a half hours later the tow truck showed up. I was so stuck he had bring his jeep and chain to "recover" my car.
All the while Gavs slept peacefully in the back. He woke up about the last half hour and giggled when I told him we were "stuck", and he clapped when we were "free".
So Ally, Lizzie, Katie and Jackson, here are the dang beautiful mountains! Please enjoy them or all was in vain. I was not even able to capture the mountain view I wanted because it was obstructed.

This is the mess left behind.

As soon as we got home we had to get ready to go to the Monster Jam. This was just all too much mud for me, for one day. Hopekids does the Monster Jam event every year. I am so glad that Dylan our home health nurse told us to bring ear plugs for the kids. It was so loud. The kids had an enjoyable time.

It was a long eventful day, but we made it alive and together, and that is what matters most.

....is my middle name.

2011-02-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

Spencer was working on his spelling word sort last week. I was busy taping the backs of each word so he could stick them under the right ending category. He says "mom". I look up to this face and the word "danger" sticking to his forehead. He continues "danger is my middle name." Oh I love him. He makes me giggle.

BIC for Good!

2011-02-25T13:42:00.000-08:00

As a lot of you know we have been able to be apart of the Make A Wish Foundation. Each wish is granted by donations raised. It is an incredible foundation bringing smiles to many children, some children who will not live much longer after the wish is granted. www.bic4good.com is sponsoring a fundraiser for Make A Wish. Come help raise $400 next Thursday, March 3rd, at Tangles Hair Salon {7076 S. Highland Dr. in Salt Lake City} from 5:30-7:30 pm to have your head shaved. There will be a video camera ready and the video will be uploaded to the BIC website for you, you just need to show up! There are also donation options for those who want to keep their hair! If you know you will be attending please RSVP to cclifford@utah.wish.org. So many of you showed your support for us before, come do it again and help raise money for Make A Wish!

Gasping.

2011-02-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

Gasping. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, visions and pangs of new anxiety would shoot through me. You know when you are just about to fall asleep and you dream you are falling off of a cliff and it wakes you suddenly, almost painfully? This is what was happening but instead of a cliff, it was a new diagnosis of cancer, then sitting with my super sick son in the hospital. It made me almost vomit. My heart was racing and had to sit up to breathe because I was gasping. I feel fortunate to not have had these feelings when these events were in the present. I had moments of sadness and anger, but never of despair or complete loss. I had to keep going. But now as we wrap this treatment up I gasp as those memories play in my mind like a horror film. I had visions of this incredibly sick little boy, with almost no hair, unable to talk or open his eyes and he was wheeled into a van to be transported from one hospital to another to receive radiation.
I have these flashes of his tears shed when we had to shave his head. He cried and sobbed and there was nothing I could do to make him feel better.I remember watching him worry, as he waiting for his biopsy, just days after his diagnosis. I remember thinking that he should have been in school with the other kids, playing, laughing, learning. Other moms and dads were in the surgery waiting room talking about their childs knee surgery, or tonsils being taken out, wishing that was our story. One mom turned to us and asked what kind of surgery he was having and when I told them he was just diagnosed with cancer, the conversation turned quiet, mournful.

These things that seem like ages ago begin to wake me in the night. I am understanding the emotionally scarred soldier who wakes to disturbing battle scenes many months and many years later. Our battle scenes awake me. I feel fortunate to not be overtaken by these anxieties but I am sure they will leave a scar on my heart for the rest of my life. I think these war wounds and battle scars offer us a lifetime gift of gratitude. Gratitude to God for his healing powers, for the strength and peace that He has surrounded us with. Gratitude to friends and strangers for embracing Charity, the pure love of Christ and surrounding our family in love.

I may have nights where visions of this sick little boy pop in to my head causing a moment of gasping. I may have moments of tears thinking of our fatiguing journey. I may have heartache for the lost time of childhood in my babies lives. But even with these things, I wake up kiss my children and thank God that the are alive, that I get to take care of them and that I have become a new woman, a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, and stronger in my faith.

Don't Stop the Prayers Yet!

2011-02-22T06:56:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to give you a rundown of what we have left in our treatment. I think some people may have had the impression that we are completely done because of our last inpatient chemo. We still have four outpatient chemos left, 2 of which last 5 days but can be done at home. This one causes major diarrhea for the poor kid. When we finish our outpatient chemos then we have a 3-4 week waiting period until his final scans. This is where we will need lots of prayers. The scans will tell us if this long year plus of treatment has done its job and has killed the cancer completely. His last scans showed no signs of malignancy so we are hoping for the same results, but because the cancer was so aggressive this waiting period will show us if it truly is dead. After his scans the surgeons will determine if the mass that is still there is small enough to take out without any damage to nerves (sooo hoping and praying for this) and if not then they may biopsy it just to make sure. Once all of this is done then his central line will come out! yay! This is when I will start breathing again. This will hopefully be in April, early April. Once all of these procedures are done then he can start living a mostly normal life again. Taking showers, instead of me sponge bathing him, swimming, running, playing, etc, etc. For the first couple of years we have regular scans every 3 months to make sure there is no reoccuring cancer. Then after a couple of years it will be every 6 months until the last year when it will be yearly. It is crazy. I am so thankful to all of you who have been so wonderful to our family and have kept us in your prayers, but please do not take us out of your prayers yet! lol! We are so close and need the faith you bring to our family!

The Last Inpatient. The Bell Ringing.

2011-02-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of pictures in this post. I am not going to do a lot of journaling because Jen's pictures are so powerful. We were lucky to have Jenn as our "last inpatient" nurse. She is one of our favorites that we have had quite often throughout this year. We first started when she was newly pregnant, and now she has a sweet little girl. It has been a long year but we are so blessed to have had these wonderful people in our lives.

Ericka has the same birthday as Spence. Even though we don't know her well she always comes to say hi. They have a birthday bond.
Wonderful Jenn.

One last chance to "room service it up."

This is Irish. He is the units practical joker.
This is Spencer. He is the practical joker patient. He decided to beat Irish at his own game by doing one of those Idiot Tests where a scary person pops up and yells in the middle of it.
This is Irish covering his mouth from the expletives he just released. Apparently it scared the {bleep} out of him. I love this picture. I love the laughter.

Spencer loves Mike, the Child Life Specialist. He drew him a picture and painted the frame himself.
This is our super duper housekeeper Sharon. She brought so much love, happiness and cleanliness to the unit and to our lives!
Spence drew a poster for the unit and put it on his door.
This is the bell. We heard this bell ring many times before, only dreaming of the day that we got to be the ones ringing it.
The unit all cheering Spencer on and saying goodbyes.

Mike thought he was funny and made one of the signs backwards. Spence loved this.

Mike.
Our beloved Julia.

One last raid of the snack room.

I hope these pictures made you cry as much as they did me. I am so thankful to Jen who has graciously captured our journey and created such power. I am so grateful for these images and the emotion they capture for our family.

IT'S TIME! PROJECT SUPER QUILT!

2011-02-17T08:42:00.000-08:00

Design my Jena Marston

OKAY PEOPLE ITS TIME TO DELIVER THESE BLANKETS! If you have any blankets, supplies, quilts, etc that you would like to have donated to the hospital please let me know. My awesome friend Jena designed a TEAM SUPER QUILT tag that we are going to tie each of the fleece blankets with. I am hoping to get these delivered by our next clinic chemo on February 24th. I could definitely use some more supplies to donate, shampoos, conditioners, soaps, nice lotions, etc. I am so thrilled at the outrageous response I got from all of you wonderful people. I had blankets even shipped to me from both coasts! You are all so wonderful and are going to make these kids so happy! We, ourselves, have received so many blankets this past year that have provided love, comfort and companionship to Spence during some of his sickest and darkest times and I am so thankful that we are able to do this for the other children. Of course, if you are not able to get blankets or supplies to me before I deliver these you can give them to me whenever you can and we can do another blanket run! I am thankful for you guys! Email me with any questions goochymomma@gmail.com

A New Light and a Super Cute Guy

2011-02-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

There is a different kind of happy light in Spencer's eyes. Since he has gone back to school, he has this unexplained aura of lightheartedness. It is amazing how refreshing normalcy can be. I find it funny that my whole teenagers years, and into my young adulthood I did everything I could to not be normal, to be different than everyone else, and now I long for normalcy, for tranquility, for a boring life. I was so happy to drop him off early today for his first day of choir. Something normal. Boring life. Happy life. It is my goal to get a new post blogged everyday. I have so much to catch up on and so much to report and so many fun pictures to put up. Today I will start with a bunch of random pictures. I am going to blog my Gavy Goos. I love this kid so much. I feel like I have lost out on his first parts of life while I have been focusing so much on getting Spence better and I just try to snuggle this guy every chance I get. He is just so funny. His favorite words are "stuck" "copa" (cup in spanish), "bakey" for binky, "blanket", "Belle" and "uh ah" for no. He sings "we will we will...rock you" all day long, and "ginkle ginkle star". He loves kisses and snuggles, and shoes. He loves his sister. She is his favorite person. He loves our friend Neil "Meemel" Saunie, and Parker. He is obsessed with cars, helicopters ("pocters'), and any kind of vehicle. He adores his Gramma Suzi and Grampa OK. He does not eat a lot but he loves cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, candy canes he calls them "ice", and bread. He is afraid of bubble baths, dogs (this is new, he used to love dogs), and just learned today he is afraid of snakes. Other than these few things he has no fear. He will climb up and jump off of almost anything. He loves "Go Utes" and "let's go Jazz". He loves to read books and play with his "broder and sissy" He is so handsome and so lovey and so Gavies.

He loves to play in boxes. Here he is reading in a box. Just the perfect Gavin sized box!
Nothing comes between a boy, his binky, blanket and pillow pet!
He love Grampa. He loves to read with him.
He is super silly and likes for Belle to spin him around on a chair at my dad's house. He enjoys being dizzy! Weirdo!

He loves popcorn and sometimes asks for it for breakfast. He is snuggling with dad here and enjoying "popcker".
He is so silly. He came up to me one afternoon with two binkies in his mouth and just laughed hysterically!
His favorite toy right now is "Bopit". He plays with it all day long and says "potty (for party), and "nonis" for novice. These are Bopit settings. It is so funny.

He enjoys a good soda like the rest of us. He will either call it "water" or "sooda". He does not get it very often but when he does he holds it for ransom.

happy HAPPY {heart} day!

2011-02-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

Oh my heart. What a day it has been. Not only is is Valentine's Day, but today was Spencer's first day back to school for good (for now.) We had Dylan, our home health nurse come over early this morning to check Spencer's blood counts so that we could determine if he would be able to go to his Vday party at school. I was not quite sure that he would make the cut, especially since it took him a little longer to recover from the chemo before last. I prayed and hoped that they would be high enough. I was ecstatic when I called for them and they were so phenomenal. His ANC was 5.7 Platelets 173 his hematocrit was a little low at 27.something percent but everything else was great. Because he has recovered from the last chemo he is now able to go to school for good. The last four chemos do not effect his blood counts so he is hopefully going to get some normalcy back in this life. If I sit and think about it all I think that I would break down, but I am too busy for that now and am just so thankful to be here, right now.
I made the kids cranberry heart scones for breakfast and gave them each a little book for a gift.

Last year I was the room mom in Spencer's second grade class. Well I was supposed to be. Once Spence was diagnosed I had to ditch that. I was originally in charge of the class party and my wonderful friend (who was not quite my friend back then, but a friendship just beginning) Kristine, also Spencer's BFF, Braden's, mom, took over for me. I remember not really wanting him to go to the party because he was still recovering from his biopsy and would be starting chemo in 4 days from then. This picture here is a side by side comparison. This picture is exactly one year ago from today. Those pictures during Vday last year were the first where I noticed his face drooping. SIGH. What a year. Besides the ears he does not even look like the same kid.

MY CRAZY VALENTINES

My friend Kyrsten posted on her Facebook this super cute heart hairdo so we attempted it. It was super windy so it was already a little messed up by this point but she looked so cute.
Spence and his best buddy Braden were so happy to be back together! I love that Braden shaves his head still! Today Spence said "my hair is longer than his right now". Love it. These guys are so silly.
I was feeling lonely today without my Spence with me. It was kind of hard for me. But then I turned around and saw this cute little monkey and it made my day. I just love him. He is so freaking cute!
My friend Candace and I decided to make a fancy surprise dinner for our husbands. They are one of our best friends so it was fun to celebrate together. We made bacon wrapped filet Mignon, which was supposed to have a smoked paprika butter on it and I totally forgot to put it on! I even made it, it's in the freezer, dangit! Alaskan Crab legs, shrimp and bacon deviled eggs (so delish), homemade "Red Lobster" cheese biscuits and red velvet cake for dessert. It was a fun night with delicious food!
These are my loves, my happiness, my purpose of life. Happy Valentines Day!

Baby Cheeks

2011-02-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

I think this might be my all time favorite picture of the two kids together. We were in Arizona for my brothers wedding several years ago. Look at Belle's baby cheeks, and Spence, he is such a babe! These kids have always been pretty good friends. They have their moments of sibling rivalry, but for the most part they are silly together. Today Spence let Belle play video games with him and she was ecstatic. They laughed and giggled and played and it made me long for normal days. I love these handsome kids. I love that they are mine and that I have my Gavs thrown into the mix. Being a mom is the most wonderful thing to be!

ANOTHER FAVOR PLEASE!

2011-02-09T07:46:00.000-08:00

My friend Paige needs you to vote for her kids for Jen Fausets cutest kids contest! As you know Jen Fauset is our most amazing, most fantastic photographer ever. She has been documenting our journey gratis because she is so wonderful. Paige is the reason we know Jen. She and Jen were friends before and she got a hold of Jen for our fundraiser and the rest is history! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for Paige to win a free photo session with Fauset Photography so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to CUTEST BABY CONTEST HERE and vote for this cutey HERE and this cutey HERE! To vote you just need to "Like" the picture. You may need to go to JEN FAUSET PHOTOGRAPHY HERE first and Like her page then go to the other links! PLEASE HELP HER OUT!

Just a Little Shout Out

2011-02-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how many wonderful people there are in this world. I think sometimes we forget that not everyone is bad and scary and selfish. One of the many lessons we have been taught throughout this year is that people are good. Someone who had gone through some similar circumstances told us not to expect much from people the further into our journey we go. We were told that there is this overwhelming sympathy and service given at first and then it dies down. I really do not feel this is so for us. There was definitely a huge surge of attention in the beginning, but even after a year into this someone does something fantastic. Some of these things are small and some are huge but nonetheless, they brighten my soul and give me happiness and hope. I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by good people, and fabulous friends.

Short and Sweet

2011-02-08T11:53:00.001-08:00

Last night Spencer's ear really started hurting. He didn't eat dinner and was kind of lethargic. I just knew his temperature was going to rise. I checked it before I went to bed and it was low grade. Technically I am supposed to bring him in to the Emergency Department after hours, after an hour of a fever BUT with Nate being in Denver last night and his counts being normal, I decided I would wait until the morning. All night his temperature fluctuated between 100.5 and 101.2 and was the same this morning so I called the clinic and we are here now. Most likely he has an ear infection. Because of all of the buildup from his tumor it is hard to see into his ear so they were not able to tell that way. He is finishing up his dose of Rocephin and we will be able to go home. His counts have dropped a bunch just since yesterday afternoon but they are still normal enough for us to go home. It takes 24 hours to get blood cultures back, so if for some reason they come back positive we will be making a trip back here for a visit. Praying, praying, praying we do not have to come back. This visit was short and thankfully sweet.

Once in a Lifetime

2011-02-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I had to take a little break. The whole idea and concept of not going back to the hospital {crossing my fingers} has had me a little overwhelmed. I have so many things to blog. To catch up on. I am supposed to be getting MY laptop back next week and then it will be easier to blog on the spot. Jen Fauset took some incredibly beautiful pictures of our last chemo stay and bell ringing ceremony but she is out of town and I hope to get those pictures posted in the next few days. I do not have anything fabulous, inspiring or life changing to say. I have been feeling a whole lot of gratitude lately though. On Friday morning, and this morning, it was so FABULOUS to lay in my bed full of my kids and my Natey and just snuggle, and giggle. I remember watching the movie Practical Magic, with Sandra Bullock when I was first in college. There is a scene in the beginning where she is with her children and her husband in bed and she then realizes that life if perfect. This same scene had always been my vision of perfection as well. It was nice to live that moment. Once in a lifetime moments do not just happen once in a lifetime. I feel lucky to be able to recognize these moments, fleeting, but real, and in those moments I can breathe, and all the happiness that can fit in one soul and in one heart, fits in mine.

Flashbacks

2011-02-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

I started this blog one year ago on the 4th of February. I never documented the first couple of days until yesterdays blog. Some friends of ours gave us a journal to write in during this experience and this is my first entry on the whole experience. Yesterdays blog was me trying to conjure up all the thoughts and emotions that happened one year ago but this post is raw. It was written when wounds were new and open. I apologize for any repeat information from yesterdays blog. Bear with this long entry.
FEBRUARY 4, 2010
Biopsy Day
Before I forget and before I backtrack to the last couple of days I want to share the feelings I had this morning and describe this day thus far. I woke up this morning around 6:45. Gavin was singing and I had this intense "burning in my bosom" it is utterly amazing to feel the prayers everyone has for us. They are tangible. Instead of beginning the day with expected anxiety I was filled with peace and love and a very strong "calm". Thayne (Nate's dad) came over around 8 am and gave Spence a very sweet and emotional priesthood blessing. He told him that he has a special purpose on this earth and that these experiences are going to help him with that purpose and that he will be able to help others because of these experiences. He blessed him with peace and with health. Any anxiety I previously had ceased. I cleaned bathrooms did laundry and packed bags for us all for the next couple of days. Cleaning the house was therapeutic. WE dropped Belle and Gavin off with Suzi and she had an awesome green shark rag quilt all made for him. She had to have done it with in the last few days. She is amazing. We checked in and are now sitting here in the pre-op waiting room to talk with Dr Grimmer, the ENT who will be doing the biopsy. So I will have more to write about later, about the biopsy. Now I will start from the beginning. Sat. Jan. 30th in the evening I noticed Spencer's eye. His right pupil was considerably smaller than the left and his right eye lid droopy. It made me really nervous but I didn't feel the urgency to take him in that night, which I am glad about, because it would have been a lot of unnecessary waiting over the weekend. He had a dr.'s appt set up already for Mon. for a headache check up. That day was crazy. It was an hour before we were even able to get in after our scheduled appt. She saw his eye and told us to go right ot Primary Children's ER for a CT scan. I dropped a ver hungry and tired Gavin and Belle off with Nate and took off with Spence. We stopped at Carls Jr. and got Bacon Western Cheeseburgers and onion rings. Once we got to the ER things moved pretty fast. Just a couple hours of meeting with nurses, doctors and doing a CT scan we were told my the ER doctor that he had a tumor. In all the years , 7.5 years of being a mom, I have envisioned and stopped breathing over a possible moment like this. I have said many times to others that if this exact scenario ever happened to me, I would become non functional. I suppose this moment is when the first miracle took place. I was functioning. I asked questions and gathered information on what we needed to do the following morning. When I called Nate he broke down, but I was still functioning. Spence needed to see me strong and not afraid. I let him sleep with us that night and just cuddled with my baby boy. the next day we called the ENT and had our first appointment with Dr. Grimmer. I felt really good about him. I liked his bedside manner. He determined by the CT scan of symptoms with his eye (Horner's Syndrome) that he had a malignant tumor called Rhabdomyosarcoma. It is rare cancer in Children around Spencer's age. Because the doctor in the ER had preliminarily made the same diagnosis we weren't in shock. We had about 3 hours before his MRI to kill so we went to the cafeteria to waste time. After texts and phone calls I became pretty emotional thinking of this horrible obstacle in front of my baby boy. I still felt peace, however, I don't know if this peace is an "everything will be okay" peace or just a gift from Heavenly Father . I feel that a lot of this peace I feel is from all of the prayers. When we went into his MRI I let my emotions overtake me. Running the scary scenarios of the months to come panicked me. The MRI would show the extent of the attachment of the tumor, and if it had spread. He got a Bakugan Trap for being so good during the MRI. He said it was horrible and he never wanted to do it again. Back tracking a little, the placement of his IV was my first breakdown. He was on my lap, straddling me as they placed it and he started to cry. He was so scared and all I could think about was the procedures that were to come for my little guy; how he would go to hell and back and I had to watch. Melissa had Gavin and Belle was spending the night at Melanie. When we were done we went to Melissa's to pick up Gavs. She has also been very emotional. Melissa made dinner and Cindy came over. Thayne stopped by in the morning before we had left for all of this. It was nice to spend the evening with family. Our ward, our absolutely wonderful ward had already assigned dinners to our family. When we got home Saunie and Jodi were waiting with dinner, cookies from Kneaders, and presents. I have such wonderful friends! Candace showed up with a signed card from the Young Women. When they all left there were two big bags on our doorstep from the Dumas'. Marti and Nic's little girl, Haley, had kidney cancera couple of years prior. they bought Spencer a rolling backpack and filled it with games, toys, snacks, a blanket, and money for the cafeteria. They gave us journals and inspirational books. We were overwhelmed by their love. Nate went to their house to thank them and had a nice moment with Nic. The next day Marti offered to do my hair. I was filled with peace the whole day. Dr. Grimmer called confirming that the MRI showed rhabdomyosarcoma but that it seemed localized. Good news for what it was. I felt great the whole day until I went to Target. I think being alone peaked my imaginative anxieties and I prayed in the car, I pleaded to the Lord to heal "our" son. When I got home Jason Zundel was there and I broke down again. It took me a moment to catch my breath but I have been fine until now. Candace and Brad came for a visit and after they left Spence and I had a little talk about what is to come. He most likely is going to go through major chemo and possibly radiation. Katie Reng brought dinner over and she and Saunie presented Spence with an awesome Utes blanket they made for him. Katie gave me a beautiful bag she had been knitting and my own knitting needles and yarn. My friends are incredible. Someone is praying for my sleep because the last couple of nights have been decent. So here we are now waiting for him to go into his biopsy. I will post later tonight. . Holly
6:52 pm about 5 hours later.
The biopsy took a little over two hours. Dr. Grimmer, who is so great, said everything went well. There was no damage to any cranial nerves! Yay! The cells seem bluish (not necessarily good) but he seemed hopeful to any outcome. He said Spence is his third patient to have Rhabdo and the other patients are well, healthy now.

It is amazing that we are getting close to the end of this journey. I am not going to jinx us by saying we are done but we now know that WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. I am excited that after today we only have four clinic chemos left and then maybe we can enjoy a 'normal' life again. We have spent so many hours in this unit. It is like home. I feel comfortable here. It is crazy that (cross your fingers) we never have to come back. We still have a 2 week period after this chemo that he could possibly get sick and neutropenic, but we are hoping for the best! This is the best way we could possibly ever celebrate our anniversary of this crappy diagnosis!

ONE YEAR!

2011-02-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

One year ago today. One year. Wow. I can remember this day last year so vividly. There was a pit in my stomach all day long. I had no idea why. I remember doing some shopping, and I had left my wallet at home. I was on a time schedule and I felt rushed having to go back and forth, and that pit just wouldn't go away. The few days before I had already noticed Spencer's googly eyes and I knew we had a doctors appointment that day and maybe that is why I was feeling anxious. I picked Spence up from school that day and we had straight over to the doctors appointment. I cannot remember what was going on in my mind. I honestly do not think I was terrified, but I just knew something was not right. We usually do not have to wait long before seeing our doctor, but today was different. I think we waited over an hour. I remember feeling anxious, like I could not catch my breath. This doctors appointment had been set up week before as a follow up on the headaches he had been having. In the weeks up to this appointment they had gotten worse. He had these migraines that made him scream. Totally not normal. I am feeling sick just writing this. As soon as we got into the room and our doctor saw his eyes, she looked at me seriously and said "you need to go to Primary Children's Emergency Department as soon as possible." I took a deep breath and I think my life never stopped moving. I called Nate and told him and he was just getting home. I dropped the other kids off and Spence and I took off to Primary Childrens. I had only been there one other time before and so the moment felt so ominous. I stopped at Carls Jr. on our way there because it is one of Spencer's favorite places to eat. I had no idea how long we would be at the hospital. We sat in the waiting room and so many thoughts were going through my head but I was not freaking out. It was kind of a weird feeling, and so not like me. I freak out about everything related to my children, but there was an underlying peace that night. When they finally called us back things got more real. It was not too hard to wait for the CT scan but it was hard to wait for the results after the CT scan. I kept going over scenarios in my head. What would I do if they told me has a tumor? but then I would tell myself, that I was overreacting. I don't remember what I thought they were going to tell me but our lives changed that night. The ER doctor came in and showed me the film from the scans. I had never been taught to read a scan film but that tumor was obvious. That is when my mind started to spin. I did not realize that there were "layers" to the scans and I thought, "is this in his brain?" She then told us that it was not in his brain but looked like it was his parapharangeal space, and it looked possibly like what they call rhabdomyosarcoma. When I heard this word it all kind of slurred into nonsense. I was not quite sure how to pronounce it or what it meant. I didn't really process it. I just heard tumor. I told Spence that he had a big ball of poison and we had to get it out. Funny because at that point, cancer had not entered my mind. I kept thinking maybe we could just remove this tumor. I called Nate and that is when the emotions began. He was not able to speak, he was crying and questioning and I just kept going. From those first moments I did not break down. I went into survival mode. All I could focus on was fixing this problem, getting him better. I remember walking out the doors calling family and friends and letting them know. Little did I know how much I was going to need these great people in my life over this next year. I went home to my sobbing husband. I don't think I had broken down yet. Survival. Survival. I called our Bishop from our church and he came and gave Spencer a blessing (a special priesthood prayer). He blessed him with healing. At that moment I was filled with peace. I knew that I would make it to the next day. The ER doctors had set up appointments with the ENT (Ear Nose Throat) doctor, and the Oncologist. I have to say that even though she referred us to the Oncologist the whole cancer thing had still not settled in my mind. When we met Dr. Grimmer our life really changed. He had not seen the scans from the night before and said he would look at them. Spence had been having bloody noses so he cauterized his nose. He told us he would be right back. The whole atmosphere changed when he walked back into the room. He, and two other doctor came in and the room was "grim". He said he looked at the scan and even without biopsy he was able to diagnose him with RHABDOMYOSARCOMA. So scary. He said he would have to biopsy to diagnose the type of rhabdo. I don't know why but even at that moment I kept thinking, maybe it is benign. There is no such thing as benign rhabdo, but what did I know back then. We headed straight to scans. That is where my breakdown began. As we sat there for hours waiting for our sweet little boy to have all of these scary scans I put my head on my Nate and just cried. I think this may have been the first cry for me. This was real. Cancer? Cancer. I had a 5 year old daughter and a 9 month old baby at home. How was I supposed to do this? I was Spencer's 2nd grade class room mom. I had the Valentine's Day party in a couple of weeks. I was hosting Bunco at my house, I had a million other things I was obligated to. In those first moments I canceled everything else in my life. It was kind of an exhilerating moment. These are all things that were never blogged because I started the blog on February 4th during his biopsy. I have the first journal entry that I will share with you tomorrow. I cannot believe that we are here. That our last inpatient chemo coincidentally lands on our one year mark. I cannot believe that we are here. There have been many times along the way that I was not quite sure that Spencer would make it through. Many, many, many hours have been spent at this hospital, in this unit. Many friends have been made, many tears have been shed. Many prayers, many blessings. One full year. One year of hell. One year of priority changes. One year of blessings. One year that will change our lives forever. Thank you for being a part of our crazy year.

Endure to the End

2011-01-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

I recently came in contact with a mom whose son also had rhabdo. Tonight she emailed me asking me a few questions about the differences in our sons diagnoses and I rambled on about some things. It hit me. Now that we are approaching the end things do not seem as bad, however, giving her the details of the "beginning" hit me pretty hard. I cannot even believe the things we have been through. It is just crazy to venture back and realize what Spencer has weathered, fought and battled. Nobody should ever have to go through these things. After I emailed her I went back to read the first few posts of mine. {DEEP BREATH OUT}. Blah. What a long and winding road. We are now at a place that I could not even begin to imagine eleven and a half months ago. I do not feel that I have anything eloquent to say tonight, but I am thankful that time is moving on and that memories fade. Even horrific ones. Spence and I were talking about some experiences we have had this past year and he did not remember a lot of things. Such a blessing. There were a lot of experiences that are better left in the past. One of my very favorite people, let alone, friends, Ally, is having some of these moments. Her sweet little four year old has been in the hospital the last few days with an undiagnosed colon infection. Let me tell you. There have been many, many nights that her words have comforted me and have kept me company as I sat up late in the hospital worrying about my baby boy. It is really hard for me now knowing exactly how she is feeling, to literally be able to close my eyes and think of specific nights I sat there, crying, as she gave me her sincere prayers and friendship. My heart hurts tonight for her. I hope that I can give her the same comfort, and peace that she was able to provide to me. This life is so hard. There is so much heartache, so much sorrow, so much hatred. How wonderful that the Lord has given us His peace in this dreary world. How wonderful that he provides us with lifesaving friends, and loyal family to wrap their arms around us in our darkest hours. How wonderful to be filled with such light, in such darkness. Life is hard, but worth the rewards that await us as we endure it well. Please endure it. As this trial hopefully comes to an end for us, I pray that I can be the friend that you all have been for me. Hug your babies, smooch your lover, thank your God.

Christmas

2011-01-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

Oh heavens, how the the week slips by. I was trying to make a goal to post every day but obviously that did not work! I still have so many pictures and events to catch up on, while continuing to blog the present happenings. I will start with Christmas today. We decided to keep our Christmas pretty low key since we have received so many wonderful things from people this past year.

The kids enjoyed opening their fully stuffed stockings! My grandma crochets stockings for everyone in the family I have had mine since I was a baby and now we all have one. We love our stockings.

Stocking stuffers! Santa seems to always go overboard with stockings.
Christmas day, after Santa presents are opened at home, are spent at Gramma Cindy and Papas (Nate's parents). It is fun day. We spend hours watching everyone, individually, open presents, then a big huge brunch, followed my napping, snacking, playing and watching football. In the evening, after dinner, we play games all night. This year, 92 year old Grandpa Gooch, joined the festivities.
My beautiful baby boys.

Because of all of the gifts we have received this year from so many wonderful people we decided that Santa was only going to leave stockings. We adopted a family through a sub for Santa program and provided Christmas for them to "pay it forward" from the love we have received. Sneaky Santa left a present, the last present, behind the tree at Grammas house. A Kinect for our family. Needless to say, the kids were ecstatic.
Belley Boo. She is so much fun, and so beautiful.
Brunch!
I love these pictures. They are soooo Grandpa Gooch. It is nice to have these beautiful pictures.

Cousins! We are blessed with the best cousins ever. Not only are they the best, they are the most beautiful! We have so much fun with them! It is amazing how much you can love other children that aren't your own. I love these kiddos.
Oh my silly Spencer and his pranks, and gags!
Is there anything better than a Nakey Baby! Oh I love him. He is so delicious!
We have such a great family. I am so lucky to have married a man with such a wonderful family. We all have so much fun when we are together. It is nice to have best friends who you get to see often, and forever!
I love my lazy husband. Playing and sleeping all day. I don't think he moved from his spot except to eat! SMOOCH! Gotta love lazy Christmas mornings! I love my boys!

Mercy

2011-01-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't have time today to put together a fancy blog with pictures, but I had a couple of thoughts I wanted to record. I realized that if all goes well, Spencer's last chemo will be two months from tomorrow. TWO MONTHS! Is that even a real statement? It makes me nervous to say it out loud, but I am thinking it may be really, real. Regular school and church attendance may be in our near future. Bike rides and playing at the park, SWIMMING, among many other activities may really be in our near future. Really real. Was there life before this cancer? I don't even remember. If there was, it feels like lifetimes ago. I also realized today that in four months Gavin will be two. This thought made me feel guilty. He was nine months old when Spencer was first diagnosed and I feel like I have not had the time or the opportunity to watch him grow up. In fact, he is 20 months today. I had another "take your breath away" moments this evening. It was more like "knock the wind out of you" but nonetheless, not enough air. I found a big stack of pics from over the past year, mostly at the beginning of treatment. There were a few different elements causing this lack of oxygen. The first being the severity of the physical damage from the tumor. Second, his sweet little baby face. He doesn't even look like the same kid. He is so much older now. And third, the pain you can see on his face, translates the pain I was feeling in the very depths of my soul. It is like opening old wounds. Old wounds that really aren't that old. And for a few moments I realized there was no air. I had to gasp for a breath, and be thankful for the present moments I have right now, with my son close by. Tonight Spencer had a break down. I am not going to go into the details of his bad choices, but I will say that he was unhappy with the consequences and decided he was going to leave. He put on his boots and his coat and headed out the door. I sat and watched him as he contemplated how far he would go. After about 15 minutes he decided to go farther than I could watch him from the window. A few minutes later I decided I would go and find him. As I walked out of the front door he came walking up the driveway sobbing. I walked to him and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and he said "mom, I made the wrong choice" referring to the mistakes he made to get him into this predicament. I gave him a big huge hug and knelt down to his level I told him "sometimes we make the wrong choices, but I will always come for you". I wanted him to know that I will ALWAYS be here for him no matter his decisions. Isn't that how our Father in heaven works? How awful would it be if we were abandoned during our darkest times, in times of shame and guilt? When we walked back into the house, we were cuddling for a little bit and he looked at me with quivering lips trying to hold back the tears. "Mom, I am sorry that I kicked your car". Oh my Spencer. It took everything I had not to burst into laughter. I love this kid. I love his deepest understanding of true repentance, and his rational thinking and lack of pride that enables him to apologize. Life is too short and too precious to not apologize. Do not wait for the other person to make the first move. Show love, character, and mercy, just as our Savior does for you.

BEAUTIFUL

2011-01-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

The wonderful, incredible, uber talented, Jen Fauset has done it again. She is just purely amazing. Here are a handful of my favorite pictures from our last photo shoot.

Chemo Day

2011-01-12T21:49:00.001-08:00

Remember how I used to blog the same day as treatments and stuff? and with pictures?! Well I am trying it out again. My laptop is still out getting fixed but my wonderful husband got me a new camera last week so I am back in action! Today was a fast and easy clinic chemo. We spent more time chatting to all of our friends then getting actually treatment done! OKAY SO FOR THE GOOD NEWS...I talked again to our doctor about the PET scan results and what we will expect at the end of supposed treatment. She said the the final results of the scan were NEGATIVE! The spots of energy were so small that the tumor cannot be considered active! The areas of energy were most like energy from the body lighting up on the scan. The group of doctors all sat down to discuss it and are all pretty sure it is a small mass of scar tissue left. SO...we will continue with treatment as planned and at the end of our road map, we will re-evaluate and then they may decide to biopsy it again OR after talking to surgeons they may be able to REMOVE IT! It is not embedded in the nerves any longer and may be small enough to take out! Today is a good day. Happy, happy day! I cannot begin to thank you to the degree deserved for all of your fasting and prayers. Almost a year ago we found out our sweet little boy had stage 4 high risk cancer, and today we hear that from a macro view there is no cancer. Chemo goes on as planned because we cannot see it on a molecular level and we don't want to take any chances! We are so grateful to the Lord for all of our blessings!

Spencer's favorite snow hat is this "ninja" mask he has. He loves it and when we first got to clinic he would NOT take it off! Silly guy! I just took pics of his normal routine there, weight, height, blood pressure. Pam does his vitals. We love her.

Someone donated a couple of Kinect systems to the clinic. Spence tried to play it in our tiny little room and almost broke his toe!
Tiffy Lou, we love you. Is she not the hottest nurse ever! WE L.O.V.E. her!
First thing he did when we got to clinic was raid the snack room! Eating, eating, and more eating. Yay!
Can you see the outline of peach fuzz on his head? It is even longer than it looks!
Lindsay giving Spence his Vincristine. He is a pro!

Kinect

2011-01-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

Spence was able to spend some fun quality time with one of his bff's Moab, today. They played Kinect, and giggled and chowed down on candy. Then Spence spent the rest of the evening at her house playing more video games. One of the overheard conversations today:
Mo: So Spence what did you get for Christmas? Spencer: Kinect and a pocket knife. Mo: cool! Spencer: yeah it has a flashlight and can opener too. Mo: Well then you will always be prepared.
I just love kids and their cute brains! It has been awhile since I added any pictures to this blog so I through in one of Gavs and Belle too, because they are just so darn cute! More picture blogs to come! Oh and today Spencer is wearing his "BRAVE" shirt given to him by cute little Lizzie Lou.

Punching Bag

2011-01-11T21:26:00.001-08:00

I do not have anything profound to say tonight. I just have a whole bunch of feelings in my heart that I cannot really get out. I do not even think I really know what they are. I think I feel something. I think I feel too much, but then I wonder if I am feeling numb. Is it possible to feel too much? So much that you start to not feel at all? I have had some new life changing experiences with this trial come about in the last week or so. I want to say that I have new priorities but that is not the right thing to say. My priority has always been my family but it seems now, nothing else matters. I have this "refound" deep love and appreciation for me husband. I miss him when he is gone and I get excited to see him when he gets home. My heart flutters when my baby girl signs she loves me while walking into class, and as she blows a million kisses my way. I get so excited to see my babies first thing in the morning. I love to smile at them and show them how happy I am to see them. I just love to be with my family.
Spencer's hair is growing back. His eyelashes are almost fully grown, along with his eyebrows. His head is fuzzier than ever! It is fun, but makes me a little nervous. I don't know why. I feel like when his hair grows back, he will just look like a normal, skinny kid. Strangers will not be able to see him and know the trials he is facing, the strength he has, the war wounds. It was hard for me at first to get all of the stares when we would go out but now I feel honored to have people be touched, if only by a glance, by this giant. This hard year of ours has been so emotional that our lives are forever branded and I feel like it is so hard to move on, I feel attached to this bald guy. I think I am afraid of falling back into the comfort of normalcy only to have to go through this again. I almost feel as emotional about the "end" of this as I was when we were first diagnosed. The difference is experience. There is much more experience on this end. In the beginning the emotions stemmed for the unknown. The end of this ride is just so much more than I thought it would be. It is not a smooth transition. My friend said that it is like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we got through the crisis but its the aftermath that brings so many emotions and acceptance of how we have been changed. I think she is soooo right. I am so exhausted and sometimes wish I could just sleep for days at a time. I think I am hoping to catch up to reality, or wake up from a very long dream. But for now I will continue to do some major damage on a very unlucky punching bag.

Have I Told You Lately...

2011-01-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

I do a lot of reflecting in the shower. Not sure why. It is one of the only times of the day that I am COMPLETELY ALONE without any children. It is quiet, and I can actually hear all of the thoughts in my head. These are the moments that I think about all that people have done for me and I come up with all of these elaborate plans to thank them. For those of you who know me personally, know that I am not a simply kind of folk. I like to make things bigger than life. I like to take my "could be" quiet life and fill with all kinds of projects, service, excitement, etc, etc. It's like I am afraid of simplifying. Well...one of the things that the Lord has been trying to teach me through this trial is to SIMPLIFY my life. I would love to do so many wonderful things for all of you who have done so much for me but I a) have no energy after all we have been through b) do not have enough time in my day to thank all of you the way I would love to and c) NEED TO LEARN TO CALM DOWN. This is my blog of gratitude to all of you. There are hundreds of you who have personally done specifically wonderful things for us. And although I would love to throw a big huge party for you all or create a fancy present, I just cannot at this time. I hope that you will take this blog and know that I think of you all individually. Not one act of kindness has gone unnoticed. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU. FOR THINKING OF US. FOR DOING WHAT YOU DO. Please know that this is my eternal gesture of gratitude (I am using this word too much) for you and that you are wonderful.

So Many Things

2011-01-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's been a little while since I have written a truly heart felt blog. Tonight just might be the night. There are a lot of factors going in to this post but I am not quite sure how to cultivate it so bare with me. Spencer is inpatient for chemo tonight. He has finished it. He has one more left. I do not even know where to begin with these feelings. Almost a year ago we started this outrageously terrifying journey. I try to think of all of the experiences we have had and there are too many to intelligently conceive. Many months ago I was faced with losing my son. Losing my oldest child. Losing the one who made me a mother. Little did I know that the door of overflowing blessings would fill our home. Little did I know that eternal friendships would be made, that priorities would shift, that perspectives would completely change. Eleven months. Eleven months of hell. Eleven months of immense peace. Eleven months of holding, touching my children and loving them with a completely different kind of love. I imagine it is close to the love that our Savior, that our Heavenly Father has for us, but I do not know if that is even possible. As I hold my children, weeping, hoping, praying to have them for years and years on this earth, I feel my Saviors love, holding me, holding my griefs, my sorrows, my pains, my sins, whispering peace throughout my soul. How should I be so lucky to feel so close to heaven on this earth? My dad has knee surgery today. Isabelle, Gavin and I visited him and he made a reference to me knowing "everyone." I feel blessed to have so many friends. To know so many people. To have so many people close to me. I love making friends and I love keeping friends and I am just so lucky. Life has seemed so fragile to me lately. There have been many deaths lately. Am I afraid of death? Am I ready? Can I stand before my God and say that I did the very best that I was able? I am trying. Is that a good enough answer?I have had some heart changing experiences. For those of you who personally know me, you know that I am always busy. I have a hard time saying no, and a hard time just stopping to breathe. I had some obligations today and I decided to say no so that I could visit my dad in the hospital. I am glad I did. I love my family. I did not grow up in a fairy tale family, or even a functional family and I feel so blessed to have that now, even in my adult years. My stepmom is one of the best people I know. She is filled with so much love and service for everyone around her. She is constantly doing things for her children, including me. The Lord has blessed me with her. I am also so lucky to have awesome stepbrothers and sisters. I have a deep, true, sincere love for them. My dad and I have had many trials in our relationship throughout our lives, but I am so thankful to have him in my life. He would do anything for me. I have been dealt some pretty hard trials in this life, but more than that I have been blessed beyond measure, literally. My heart is full. I told you a couple of posts ago about the headboard story. I was able to pick it up today and meet the family. We were able to exchange email addresses and blogs. It is amazing how much I relate to this mother. I read one of her recent posts and I hope she doesn't mind but I am going to share it with it because I knew exactly the feelings. I thought for a moment that they were my words. Her son Spencer has been cancer free for six years now and it gave me hope and excitement. Her are her words:
"When Spencer was diagnosed with cancer, the surgeon told us that a cancer diagnosis was like getting hit by a Mack truck. You might survive, but from that moment on, life will never be the same. I think of that often and am amazed at how true it is. This week we're celebrating Spencer being 6 years off-treatment. Six amazing years. And tomorrow, our cute boy turns 9 years old. I told Mike tonight, I feel like we're in positive integers now. For years after Spencer's cancer diagnosis, I was counting down the years to when he turned 8 and reached the 5-years-in-remission mark. We made it, and now we are counting up the years from it.

Life really is pretty normal for us. Crazy busy, but normal. And so I sometimes forget. And then I walked into Spencer's room tonight to shut off his light, because he left it on and fell asleep. As my hand reached for the switch, I looked at Spencer and realized that it's the last time I'll see this 8-year-old version of him. And I felt a wave of sadness, followed almost immediately by a bigger wave of gratitude. A wave of realization once again that so many moms that I knew during treatment are counting the years without their children. And we're celebrating 9 years of living tomorrow. He's such a sweet boy. I softly walked across the room, bent down, and kissed his cheek. He sighed in his sleep. Man, I love that kid.

I forget sometimes that we are enjoying a "delay en route." I heard Neal A. Maxwell refer to his life that way when he was treated successfully for cancer the first time, and it's stuck with me ever since. We're all headed to the same destination. Some of us get there sooner than others, and some of us have longer journeys, but we're all heading to the same place. We were afraid, once upon a time, that Spencer's trip here on Earth would be really short. But he was granted a delay en route. We all have been, really, but I think about Spencer's most often. I think about all of the cute things he has said and done in the last 9 years and how I could have missed so many of them, but didn't.

I really still don't pretend to understand it--how one child is spared and another taken. I feel a mix of guilt and gratitude every time I go visit the blogs of our little friends who have lost their battles with cancer. But I do realize that our lives are in God's hands, and He will help us through our journeys, however long or short they may be. I'm just feeling especially grateful tonight that we get to celebrate another year with our Spencer boy tomorrow. He's a miracle of gigantic proportions in our book, and we are thankful for his part in our lives."

I am thankful that through "random" routes I have been blessed to meet this family. We are all just people on this earth trying to get back, trying to live, trying to love. Take joy in being touched by all those you cross. Everyone has something to give you. I think one of the things that makes me the most emotional is saying goodbye to the people who have saved my son's life, who have saved his spirits, who have held his hand throughout most of this journey. Spence was emotional when he realized that he would not be seeing Mike, the child life specialist, after his next visit, and Dylan, our beloved home health nurse. He loves them. He looks forward to their visits. He is this sweet eight year old boy who has come to understand the importance of relationships. He conceives the depth of true friendship. He is beyond this level of mortality. He has held the hand of God on this earth. He knows things. I am so blessed to be his mom. I am so sorry this post is so long but I have so many thoughts, and so many tears tonight. I am overwhelmed that we are so close to the end of this long journey but also so sad to be saying goodbye to routine visits from people we have grown to love. I think by now you all know that I am moved by music and by lyrics. I want to leave this, one of my favorite hymns with you. The song should be playing now. A little side note for those who do not know, ebenezer, means "stone of help".

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Psalms 30:5

2011-01-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5. Maybe I am premature in having these feelings and relating this scripture to our situation, but I am feeling more joy than sorrow and weeping right now. I am sorry that I did not write this post earlier. I have had many people ask me about Spencer's PET scan results and I have been slow to blog. I have been so busy around the house and with the kids. We were able to do the PET scan at PCMC this time and not at IMC. I love IMC but they are just not as "kid friendly" as Primary. He did not have to be sedated, he did not have to have an I.V., he did not have to get cathed. It was just a much better situation. Plus the tech was one of our favorite guys who also does his bone scans. Spence did a pretty good job at drinking most of the contrast. Scott, the tech, said he makes a little for himself to make sure it tastes good enough for the kids. Love him. After about 30 minutes of laying still in the scan we were done, and had no other testing so we were out of there. Nate was super anxious for results and asked me to call them at 8:30 the next morning. I had to let him know that they don't even open until 9! When I finally called, they told me that both of our doctors were out of town. Our lovely chemo coordinator, however, called us back shortly to inform us that our dr. was indeed there that day, that she knew we were anxious, and would call us as soon as she saw the results. Melly and I took the kids to a movie (Tron), and I just knew I would get a call during it. Low and behold and the very end, and very loud credits our doctor was calling. I threw Gavs to Mel and ran down the theatre as fast as I could. She told me that the scan results were significantly better than the last one in June. She said that there is still a little bit of malignant activity but that it was really hard to find. She said they had to search hard to find it. She hopes and anticipates that the next bit of chemo will resolve any last bits of malignancy and HOPEFULLY we will be done at the end of March! I asked her what he thoughts were about having to continue treatment if the cancer was still there. She said if that has to happen we would most likely look into more radiation (blah). THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all of your prayers, faith, and fasting! They are working. I ask you to please continue to pray for us so that we can get rid of this once and for all and that Spence can go on to living a normal life again. A long, healthy, normal life!

Super Cool Story

2010-12-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

I love to refinish furniture. My garage is full of "projects" presently. I was looking on a local classifieds site for a headboard for Isabelle. Last week as I was searching I found one that I liked and I texted the girl to ask if it was still available. She responded back that it was and I told her I was interested and would try to pick it up early this week. I forgot about it and about my busy schedule this week. She texted me this morning asking if I was still interested. I told her that I had an 8 year old son with cancer and that we had testing and chemo and I just did not think I would be able to get it in a short enough time period and told her to go ahead and sell it to someone else. I had a playdate with some friends today and I got a phone call from a number I did not recognize. I did not answer it and did not realize that there was a message. I found it a few hours later. It was the girl selling the headboard. Her message said that her son had had cancer and she wanted to give me the headboard, no charge, and she would keep as long as I needed her to hold it. I called her back and she asked me what type of cancer Spencer has. I told her. Before I could finish saying Rhabdomyosarcoma she was like "no way! my son had rhabdo too". Rhabdo is rare and so this was amazing to hear. I went on about Spence, mentioning him by name and she said "wait, your son is named Spencer? My son is named Spencer." Seriously people. What are the odds that we both have Spencer's who have had Rhabdo. She said another family whose son had Rhabdo had given her the headboard and she felt like she needed to pay it forward to us. Seriously crazy! You know sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to go through horrific times in our lives but he always lightens it up with some act of kindness, crazy connection, or fun coincidences. Her Spencer had Rhabdo when he was two and three and is now nine years old. Healthy and strong. I love this crazy train called life.

Be Still

2010-12-26T10:08:00.000-08:00

My last post was on my husbands friend who passed away early Thursday morning. He had the highly contagious Influenza A and it quickly took him from his sweet wife of ten years and his three and five year old sons. What a horrible beginning to the holiday season. Thankfully, for the hearts of the family, they have a firm belief in God and I am sure will be filled with overflowing peace. One of my first posts ever, almost a year ago I blogged the words to the hymn "Be Still My Soul". The lyrics, and the music has helped me through some of the toughest times and I am hope they can give comfort to this poor family in their grief. Here is there blog: http://teachingtuckandty.blogspot.com/

The music playing is to this hymn.

Be Still, My Soul:

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

LIfe.

2010-12-23T09:24:00.001-08:00

Life is so short. We have no idea what it will bring to us on a second to second basis. Live your life in happiness, in gratitude and in service to the Lord. Nate is a loyal friend. He has a lot of really good friends and he treats them like gold. It is a good thing to have Nate as your friend. This morning he called me in tears. I started to freak out a little. Then he said that his good buddy, a work friend that he has talked about for years, a friend he spent all last week with during a business trip, had passed away this morning. My heart dropped into my stomach. He had been having some breathing problems, the doctors thought maybe sleep apnea and this morning his wife was not able to revive him. Two days before Christmas. He has two little boys. These are moments that you sit and think "Why Heavenly Father? Why?" It brings a deep sadness into your soul. It makes me thankful for the moments I have with my family, with Spencer. It makes me thankful to be able to appreciate the precious time I have with Spence, knowing that his life has been hanging in the balance. It would be devastating to have a child, a spouse, family die so quickly, without time to say goodbye, without time to say I love you. We are all human. We make mistakes. We get angry, we yell at our loved ones. We go to bed, to work, to school mad. What if we never had the chance to say "I am sorry" or "I love you" again. How devastating. Those little boys are so young they most likely will not remember their daddy the way they should. Life is so short. Please, please, please, be thankful for every moment, every relationship, every ounce of love you are able to feel in this life. We are so very lucky to have these things in our lives. Who cares if your husband forgot to take out the overflowing trash, or that your wife didn't hang up her towels, or that your kids didn't make their beds. Be anxious for the time they walk into the door and you can snuggle, rub footsies, give Eskimo kisses and say "i love you sooooo much". Please keep your prayers with the Williford family this Christmas holiday.